a long december day...

It's been a roller coaster ride kind of day.

Things started out pretty normal, but we had a holiday party with our research group, so that was fun and nice to not have to work for a couple hours. People liked my lentil walnut pate and there was plenty of vegan food for me to eat. 

After the party, I went with 2 other people to the cancer center to drop off gifts we had collected for a family whose father is dying of cancer. The social worker said he won't be around next year. He has two little girls, one- and four-years old. Gift cards and mittens seem so insufficient compared to the burden they bear. 

Actually, before I even dropped off the gifts, I stopped to read a blog entry our friend, Annie, wrote about the loss of their daughter, Piper, and how she's been handling it. It was good to hear an update but it is just as heartbreaking as I imagined it would be dealing with the loss of a child 6 months into a pregnancy. She said she has this constant urge to break coffee mugs on the pavement in anger, but that their mugs have been carefully collected through travels over many years. So what do you break?

On my way home, I was feeling really sleepy, and although I try not to do this, I allowed myself to doze a little. I noticed towards the end of my ride that the boy behind me seemed to be leaning in pretty close to me. At one point I looked back and he asked me if he could use my phone. I asked him why and he said he needed to call his mom. I asked him for the number and dialed it for him. At this point I knew I had to be careful that he wasn't trying to steal it, so I made sure I was situated in way I could grab it back instantly. He said I dialed the wrong number and gave it back. It was too late already, he said, it was almost his stop. 

Whew.

Minutes later, as he's getting off the bus, he reaches back and grabs at my phone! I thankfully had a good grip on it and he was out the door in a flash, sans phone, but not before I could yell "YOU F*CKING A**HOLE!!!" as he looked back at me, bewildered.

I told the people around me that he had tried to take my phone, and immediately apologized for my language. People gave me sympathetic looks, and the woman in front of me said she had heard that phone snatching was becoming more common. 

I'm pretty shaken up, and a little paranoid at home alone (Adam's bus broke down...so random). But what gets me the most is that this kid is heading down the wrong path, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm tempted to try calling the number (he said it was the wrong number but told me what it should be) and ask them if a teenage boy lives with them, and let them know he tried stealing a phone from someone. I want his mother to know what happened. Or a teacher. Someone. I want someone who cares about him to help him see what a slippery slope it is between petty theft and armed robbery. I want him to never do that again. For him. 

I am trying to think about what I could say if I see him again. It reminds me of this scene from a silly movie called "Ira and Abby" where Jennifer Westfeldt's eternally optimistic character is on a subway and a kid pulls out a gun and tells everyone to give him their money. She immediately starts talking to him and asks him how much money he needs, and then goes around politely to all of the passengers collecting the amount he asks for. He is shocked and even lowers his price, and then gets off at the next stop. I think you see the kid again later and his life is somehow changed because of Abby. 

I guess I could try to contact the bus company and ask them to review the tapes from the bus and maybe talk to him. That doesn't seem right, but neither does leaving everything as it is. 

All this on top of the enormous grief I feel for the families of Newtown and the victims of gun violence everywhere, and for the innocent targets of drone strikes, and for the babies who die before being born and for the billions of animals stuffed into tiny cages and crates, standing and sleeping in their own feces and waiting to die a cruel death to end up on someone's plate. I guess I'm saying that the world is cruel and some days it is more clear to me. But as Annie wrote in her post, the injustice of the world only makes me want to take a stronger stand, to be powerful instead of powerless, to be a force for good instead of a silent bystander. 

But for now, I'm ordering pizza. 

Healthy Potluck Ideas -- Halloween

Well, the holiday season is upon us and at work we are starting to get inundated with requests for potluck contributions. Today is Halloween and the Epidemiology division is sponsoring an all day eating extravaganza. I am always shocked at how little regard our Public Health Sciences department has for healthy potluck options. Here we are promoting healthy lifestyles and then there is a 20 foot long spread of different kinds of homemade cupcakes. The future of public health, my friends.

I thought I'd share some healthy ideas for potlucks that attempt to accommodate different diets and promote well being, instead of gluttonous excess.

For a Fall/Winter potluck:
1. Chai tea
    I brought in a box of nice chai tea along with a container of coconut creamer and jar of cinnamon for sprinkling. This is vegan, gluten free and suitable-ish for those crazy paleos out there. If you're not avoiding soy, I like Wild Wood soy creamer, as it's not as sweet as Silk.
     My original plan was to use Annie's great chai recipe (from the Betty Crocker Project) whereby you heat up almond milk and steep the chai together with the spices. You could then put it in a thermos pump pot. I didn't have the ingredients at home, so I opted for the DIY version. What I like best about bringing chai to a potluck is that it provides a different beverage option for those who don't necessarily want to drink soda, but who will if it's the only thing available (myself included).

2. Coconut squash
    I just thought this up this morning, but I think a really yummy side dish would be twice-baked winter squash. Cut a couple of acorn squashes in half, remove the seeds, roast cut-side down for an hour in a 350-degree oven (or until VERY soft), let cool, then scoop out the flesh from the halves. You can do this days in advance.
     The day of the event, mash up your squash in an oven safe dish, mix in coconut oil (or vegan margarine or olive oil) and maybe some non-dairy milk or creamer (depending on your crowd/dietary needs) and bake until slightly brown on top, or at least hot all the way through. Sprinkle with warm spices like nutmeg, cinnamon, or garam masala. If you have a microwave-save dish, you can warm it up for a lunch-time affair. Optional additions: chopped fresh herbs (sage, rosemary, thyme), toasted coconut (unsweetened) sprinkled on top, toasted nuts or seeds (sliced almonds, toasted pumpkin seeds), etc.

3. Pumpkin streusel loaf
    I tried this recipe from Peas & Thank You this weekend, and it was quite good. I used the glutinous options, using the 1 Cup of whole wheat flour, and it was dense but moist. I also used xylitol instead of the sucanat. I like this recipe because there are a lot of options for modifications, based on the needs of your crowd. You can use a variety of oils and flours, and it would likely turn out the same. Just be aware that paleo folks don't usually eat oats, but it is a small amount and they may be open to trying it regardless. Not sure how you could replace them...maybe sliced almonds?

That's all I have for now--I do plan on adding ideas for future events. Until then, enjoy Halloween!

autumn

today i heard the leaves rustle the way they only do when it's fall.

funny how such a small change can make such a big difference.

new york city

Friends, it's been about 3 months since I embarked on a trip, and I'm thrilled that tomorrow I'll be taking a train with my love to New York City. I can't describe the excitement I feel for this nostalgic and romantic trip to a city that is still so new to me.

We are taking a train to New York.

Imagine the multitudes who have said those same words, brimming with anticipation and joy at the prospect of seeing the famous Statue of Liberty, Central Park, the Empire State Building, etc. Thousands who packed huge trunks or simply caught hold of a railing on a whistling train headed east.

And oh, the food.The first time I was in New York I was still a new vegan and was worried I wouldn't find anything to eat.

I'm going to let that sink in for a sec.

I was worried I couldn't find vegan food. In New York.

Yeah. Newbie vegan. I can't even count the number of vegan restaurants that have been recommended. And then there's bakeries, diners, etc. We happen to be staying with a vegan power-couple whose life work is food. So, I know we'll be taken care of.

Adam and I really love traveling by train together. We enjoy the time to relax, without the hassle of 3 oz liquid restrictions and body scanners, without the stress of hurtling ourselves in metal shell at a mile a minute on hazardous highways for hours on end. We bring movies, snacks, reading, knitting, games, and pillows, and just let the trip include a leisurely 8 hour start on the train.

While I finish packing, I'm going to listen to Joni Mitchell's blue album. I discovered that her song, My Old Man, is a great picture of my old man, my love, my travel companion.

Can't wait to embark on the next adventure with him.

equinox

Today is the first day of Autumn. Somehow the day the seasons change seems to slip by me every time. I always plan on doing something symbolic at the moment of the equinox or spending my day intentionally, but then life happens and it's 1:00 PM and the equinox was 3 hours ago.

Nevertheless, I've made today worthy of the first day of fall. I woke up and had a nice little breakfast with Adam and then started cooking right away. I made tourlou (a middle eastern style ratatouille), baba ganoush and acorn squash lasagna with fresh sage and tofu ricotta. While I cooked, I cleaned, and my regular weekend chores are off to a good start. 

I'm nursing a headache today, unsure of its origin. Either it is a small hangover from the cocktails I had last night at a coworker's birthday celebration, or it is a caffeine headache. Whatever it is, I'm using mint tea and ibuprofen to stave it off. Later today I'll skype with my sister and hopefully get a bunch of knitting done. Then around dinner time we're taking K and N for the night, the first time babysitting all night at our house. I'm looking forward to it, but I know it will probably be quite an ordeal. As long as my headache goes away, I'll be ready for anything. 

So here's to the turning of the seasons, the start of a new stage of slowing down, turning inward, and being present, if only for a few moments every day. 

Moro de guandules (Rice with pigeon peas)

I am getting the hang of Dominican food, let me tell you. After 7(?) trips to the Dominican Republic in two years, I've tried a lot of dishes, and I think I know where they're going with their cuisine. Unlike "typical" Mexican food, Dominican food has very subtle and simple flavors. Nothing too hot or spicy, but still a lot of flavor. Very comfortable, and also very plant-based. At least, the food I eat seems to be mostly the staples, the side dishes that are easily made vegan.

A "moro" is a dish made with beans and rice where they have been cooked together. Typical "beans and rice" means, generally, that the white rice has been cooked separately from the soupy beans, and you pour the beans and their sauce over the white rice to eat. Still working on that recipe. A moro, though, is quite simple and I happen to like the one with guandules, although they make it with almost any kind of bean.

Anyway, here is my recipe for Moro de Guandules:

First, the sofrito. I've heard everyone has their own recipe for this, so I've made up my own, and you can make up yours, too, based on what you've got on hand. You want to have these basic ingredients, and the amounts can vary, and you could add other things too, like hot peppers, parsley, tomatoes, etc. I kept a jar in the freezer for at least 3 months and it was still great.

SOFRITO:
1 red or green bell pepper (or half of each)
2 cloves garlic, peeled
1 medium to large onion
1 bunch cilantro
2 tbsp lemon or lime juice

2 cups brown short grain rice
1/2 large can crushed tomatoes (optional)
3 - 4 C water
2 packets sazon (I buy this at the hispanic grocery store, with no MSG; there are probably recipes online)
1-2 cans pigeon peas/guandules (again, use any beans you have on hand)

Starting with the garlic, pulse in food processor until minced. Add the rest of the ingredients and blend until well-integrated. I don't worry about blending too long, it should be soupy.

In a stockpot, add 1/2 C-1C of the sofrito and sautee on medium heat, with some canola or olive oil. Once the sofrito becomes very aromatic, add in the rice and the sazon and stir. Let the rice sautee a bit to let out some of the nuttiness and then add the beans. Stir until well coated in the sauce, then add the water and tomatoes. I tend to add too much water, so our rice is very risotto-like, so add less water if you want the rice drier, then add more water if needed.

Bring to a boil, then reduce to medium-low and cook 40-50 minutes until the rice is tender and the liquid is absorbed. Try not to stir it at all. I like to let it sit 10-15 minutes or more with the heat off, lid on, to let the moisture really set in. If you happen to burn a little on the bottom, that's totally fine! The Dominicans call the burned rice "concon" and serve it separately for those who like it.

Serve with a simple salad and fresh fruit. Serves 6-8 (depending on appetites!)

Buen provecho!

How we spend our days...

One of my favorite quotations was said by Annie Dillard, an American author, and it goes like this:
"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."

These words remind me day after day that our lives are comprised of each individual day, and how we CHOOSE to spend them determines the life that we choose.

Today has not gone exactly as I would have liked, but it is not entirely because of my choices. It's been hot. And it's hard to do anything when it is so hot. I also have been trying to finish my final for my summer class. It's not too hard but it's been difficult to hunker down.

Weekends are hard for me in general because I have a lot of expectations for what I want to get accomplished. Usually, it involves some running around, which was just not quite feasible today because of the aforementioned impediments. The final is really what's getting me down, since I feel like I should spend all of my time working on it, but when I'm not, I don't feel like I can do anything worthwhile, like reading something for fun, watching a movie or working on a house project that is enjoyable. I end up wasting time on Facebook or something else on my phone, because if I did something I wanted to do, like knit more of my sweater, I would be "distracted from writing my final." Which has happened anyway.

So, because I sometimes get down on myself when I don't do what I want on the weekends, I decided to set the table for dinner and open a bottle of wine. I'm going to relax with Adam and call it a day.

However, one important thing I can do to set myself up for success on the weekends is to list the things I want to do. And not just the "to-do" list, but the list that involves fun things, too.

Most weekends, it looks like this:
Go to the market
Process new veggies so they are ready to cook
Cook some food (for weekend and weekday meals)
Buy flowers
Pick up grocery staples at the Co-op
Eat a nice breakfast
Clean the kitchen (it makes me REALLY happy when the kitchen is clean)
Read a book or knit
Drink a glass of wine (per day)
Sleep in (till 8:30)
Go to yoga, preferably a vinyasa flow and a restorative class
Make sure the front and back yards are looking good (weeding, mowing, etc.)
Do the laundry, including fresh sheets and towels
Hang out with some friends
Bike a lot
Relax

Again, there are probably more things that I like to do, but these are the main things that make me feel either restored or prepared for the week to come. I do actually make lists like this for the weekend. I am so forgetful, I need reminders even for the things I really want to do.

It's really about intention. Knowing what we want to accomplish each day. Not just for others, but for ourselves as well. What do we need to feel like we spent our time well? What do we need to turn our days into a life? I think it's about small steps, simple goals, and starting new each day.

Cheers.

Sugar-free successes

A while back, I mentioned that I wanted to go sugar-free. Adam has gone about a year with only a few sugary treats (I know he ate one of our cupcakes from our commitment ceremony, and enjoyed a treat or two at my brother's vegan wedding reception). For me, it hasn't been so simple, and it kind of surprises me because I've never really considered myself to have a sweet tooth, but I never could resist a free treat in my college years, and now I have a hard time resisting a vegan treat!
A few things are easy for me:
1. I only eat vegan foods, so the number of tempting (and realistic) snacks are more limited.
2. I never had a practice of putting sugar in things, like coffee or tea, except for the occasional espresso.
3. I really love savory foods and generally prefer cold pizza for breakfast than muffins or other sweet breakfast foods.
But there are definite challenges. Habits are hard to break and I have a bad habit of buying a huge cookie out of a vending machine on afternoons when I'm bored at work and want to go home. I also happen to enjoy eating spoonfuls of vegan nutella straight from the jar.
But I'm here to say it can be done, and one of the best ways I have found to avoid eating sugar is to eat whole foods. I still eat plenty of fresh fruit, and sometimes it's a good alternative to eating sweets. Yesterday, for example, my co-worker mentioned she was craving something frozen, and we went over to the cafeteria to look for a snack. Instead of the strawberry Popsicle, which had 25g of sugar(!), I got grapes. Not quite as cold or satisfying, but they did the trick. The nice thing about that is I increased my servings of fruits and veggies for the day and I didn't get a stomach ache from too much sugar. Here's what I ate yesterday, for an idea of a sugar-free lifestyle:
Breakfast: half English muffin with margarine, Americano with unsweetened soy creamer
Snack: banana, unsweetened ice tea
Lunch: beet and potato hash, whole wheat penne pasta with unsweetened pasta sauce and tofu sausage, zevia soda
Snack: grapes
Dinner: tofu sandwich on sourdough with watercress, potato salad with green beans
Snack: fresh blueberries

Some days are better than others (I had a sweetened iced chai today) but but when I focus on how something will make me feel, rather than how badly I'm craving it, I usually make the right decision.

Now if I could only break my NCIS habit...

bastille day

Today is the French independence day and I am wondering how they celebrate...do they use fireworks like we do? Or are they more demure and refined, and just picnic on the Eiffel Tower lawn...?
We share a somewhat similar history with France and yet we are so, so, so different. I read yesterday that France is #1 in healthcare worldwide, though they are #4 in spending. Guess who is #1 in spending? The U.S. of A. But what number are we in healthcare? 37.

Screw Obamacare. And Canada. Vive la France!

This weekend is unique in that Adam is away with his family at their camp and I am home with the cats. It's funny the way that life changes when a person is away for a weekend. For example, our cats, who normally think EVERY NIGHT IS A SLEEPOVER, meaning, they get to walk all over us all night long finding the perfect new spot to sleep, they, well, they ignored me. All. Night. I think Wallcat snuck in sometime in the middle of the night to catch a few zzz's at the foot of the bed. Jilly, it appears, slept on the windowsill and on the bathmat in the bathroom. So, it's good to know they are really only here for Adam. 

I made a smoothie this morning that was quite delicious, so I thought I'd share the recipe:

1-2 frozen bananas
1 C almond milk
2 generous Tbsp peanut butter
2 Tbsp cocoa powder
1/2 C water or ice (if you like it thicker)
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ground flaxseed (optional)

This made about 1 1/2 to 2 glasses that I drank by myself in about 2 minutes. The nice thing about this is that it is so yummy but it's not all that bad for you. Each of the items is a serving of the food, and the only sugar is from the bananas (unless your peanut butter has sugar, which is sneaky and they shouldn't do that to perfectly good peanut butter).

I am headed to yoga in a bit so I've got to run, but I wanted to stop in and say hello.
Bonjour.

Spring Mix

I made a playlist today before I headed home from the public market on my bike, and I'm really loving it. Lots of strong female singer/songwriters, a little bit of angst and a lot of whimsy, joy and playfulness, perfect for a spring mix.

"SPRING MIX"
Wagon Wheel - Old Crow Medicine Show
Kids - MGMT
World Spins Madly On - The Weepies
Hometown Glory - Adele
Mariachi - Ani Difranco
Malo - Bebe
Home - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros
Half Acre - Hem
Not Your Year - The Weepies
Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson
Fuck Was I - Jenny Owens Young
Life Boat - Ani Difranco
Where Does the Good Go - Tegan and Sara
Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
Gotta Have You - The Weepies
Albacore - Ani Difranco
Bitter Heart - Zee Avi
Slow Pony Home - The Weepies

If you want the abridged version, listen to "Mariachi", "Fuck Was I", "Home" and "Sweet Disposition". :)

I have found a lot of joy from going to the public market alone on Saturday mornings. I used to give Adam a hard time about not going with me (he hates crowds) but I have truly enjoyed the solitude I find in being surrounded by hundreds of people but having my own agenda and being in my own head. I hop on my bike, listen to a couple songs or a quick podcast on my way to the market, lock up, and head to the coffee shop. My drink choices vary--today it was an americano, last time it was a soy cappuccino. The place I go actually has terrible espresso, so I'm considering going to the other shop next time. We'll see. Anyway, I sit with my coffee, reading some blogs or making my shopping list. Although I often enjoy walking around with a hot drink, like when I go to work on the bus, but at the market, I prefer to just sit and finish my drink before shopping. It's a good time to people-watch, relax and soak in the morning sunshine.

After I finish my coffee, I head to the Flour City Bread Company and pick up a loaf or two of their artisan bread. I'm loving their foccacia, which is drenched in oil and salt. You don't even need to dip it in olive oil--just drizzle with some balsamic and eat freshly sliced.

From the bread shop, I head to the crowds and pick up a few veggies. Today I found some great looking Asian eggplants, some dandelion greens (I know, I can pick them out of my backyard, but I have to support the little old lady selling them--more power to her). I also grabbed a 1/2 lb of decaf Guatemalan coffee, 2 portobello mushrooms and some avocados. I have a lot of produce left over from last week, so today was just a spiritual practice in marketing.

The last time I was in the Dominican Republic, my coworker's husband was driving me to the airport and asked me what I like to do for fun at home. The first thing that popped into my mind was going to the market, next was cooking. Especially when I am traveling over the weekend, I miss the routine of preparing good, wholesome and homemade food for myself and for Adam. I crave it. Lately I've been realizing I spend a ridiculous amount of money on food, but I justify it by the fact that I don't have a motor vehicle and therefore can afford to treat myself to delicious foods. And the fact that instead of driving, I bike, it makes sense that I spend my money on "fuel". Ha!

Finally, today is somewhat bittersweet, as I think about the blessings I have and some of the hardships I know some are enduring, but I take comfort knowing that the love we have for each other sustains us even when we are not in constant contact. I feel the love of my friends when they are thousands of miles away, and hope they feel my love as well.

"So it goes, so no one knows you like they used to do. Have a drink, the sky is sinking toward a deeper blue, and you're still alright. Step out in the twilight."
Living in Twilight - The Weepies

Travel tips

I'm on a plane to Houston right now and I just finished a delicious (and healthy!) snack. I'll be in Texas for the rest of the week and, although I can charge my meals to my grant, sometimes I prefer to bring what I can from home so that a) I'm never starving with no vegan food options in sight and b) I'm not tempted to go overboard on the "healthy" things I can find at airports (like a bottle of pomegranate juice with 62 grams of sugar--sorry, not healthy).
Inspired by Heidi Swanson's gourmet plane food suggestions, I decided to bring along some snacks that can pass through security and that I actually want to eat. I didn't really do a lot of planning for this, but here's what I came up with:
Two days ago, I stopped by our natural food co-op and resolved to avoid the very sugary Lara, Luna and Clif bars. I picked up some raw walnuts and Turkish figs instead. I mixed together enough for a handful (1/4 cup) of walnuts per day plus about 2 figs per day. Walnuts are high in omega-3's and I think figs have a good amount of calcium (not certain--we're in airplane mode, people!).
At home, the night before my trip, I came across an enormous Japanese sweet potato that Adam certainly would not eat, so I popped it into a 350 degree (F) oven for literally 2 hours while I packed. You want that sucker to be nice and soft. Once it cooled, I cut it in half and wrapped each piece in parchment paper and put them in a bag. I brought a spoon from home for my almond yogurt in the morning, so I kept it with me and it worked beautifully to eat the sweet potato like a parfait.
I always hear air travel experts say not to eat much while you travel and I try my best to follow that advice. For an 8:00 AM flight, I just had a small yogurt on the way to the airport, my handful of walnuts and one fig on my first flight and about a cup of the sweet potato on my second flight. I haven't had anything to drink but water. I will gain an hour in Houston so when I get in at 12:20 it will actually be 1:20 to my tummy and that's late for lunch. My co-worker, who is traveling with me, and I might stop in the airport for lunch before we head to the bus stop (the plan is to take the city bus but I'm not sure it's worth the hassle). When we check in at the hotel it might be as late as 3:00 and we may as well just get another snack before dinner. Another important tip for traveling is to try keep your meals regular. If you're flying to a different time zone, it's helpful to eat breakfast at the time you would eat it where you're traveling TO, that way your body is gearing up for a new day, even if you're headed to bed the night before your flight.
Thankfully, my travel for work just sends me south and in a generally similar time zone. But it's still important to be consistent with meals.
I will try to post some packing tips soon, as well as go over some of the key items I like to have with me while traveling.
Buen viaje!

The Lake Shore Limited

I am fortunate to live close enough to visit my hometown by train, though far enough for it to require preparation and planning. I take the overnight train from Rochester, NY, to mid-Michigan, where my two beautiful nephews live (and most of the rest of my family, of course). Trains are my style. As someone who grew up with little access to a motor vehicle and now as an adult who does not own one, I find the train more convenient than barreling across a busy interstate at 80 miles per hour, constantly focused on the road and in many cases concerned about the lake effect. On a train, I can knit, read, sleep, and think without worrying if my life is in danger. And I would say that's pretty convenient.

The Lake Shore Limited departs Rochester at 11:00 PM and arrives in Toledo, OH in the morning, where I board a bus to my hometown university train station. The best part of my ride is when, in late spring, the sun rises over Lake Erie just as we near a portion of the track that nearly touches the shore. There is nothing like waking up on the train and seeing the golden light at sunrise filtered through antique windows, sparkling across the water and turning even the most high strung among us into daydreamers.

I will always be a lover of bodies of water. Growing up among four of the Great Lakes and settling as a young adult alongside the fifth, I can't imagine what it would be like to live far from water. And, you know, I hear so many people say that, I know it must be in our humanity. Think of the great cities of the world--are any of them landlocked? The ones I think of--Paris, London, Portland, San Francisco, New York City, Toronto, Sydney, Boston...I could go on and on--all are settled along the water's edge. Even our little town, though close to Lake Ontario, straddles the Genesee river, connecting to the Erie Canal. We all long to see the water, to know that it is there and that it is waiting for us to wake up and smile as our train "choo-choos" us towards the ones we love.

Debt-Free in 2013

I have a problem.

I've gotten addicted to saving money and paying off loans.

Now, I wouldn't say I've adjusted my habits of spending quite yet, I still do a lot of impulse shopping (probably because I browse so much online), but I am doing a good thing by making the money disappear before it has time to burn a hole in my pocket.

See, I started a spreadsheet that calculates my take-home income as well as (most of) my expenses. The most exciting part of it is where I show my progress towards paying off my loans. If I adjust my monthly payment even a tiny bit, I see my balance go down and down. The first month I had this spreadsheet...I paid off an entire loan. It was a small one, of course, but I paid it off. Having it on my spreadsheet was just a liability, something hanging over me. When the balance gets down to around $1,000, I can't stand it. I have to pay it off.

I think I'm crazy. I'm doing the same thing with my savings. I think about how pathetic my savings account has been compared to how much I make, how I'm allowing it to hover at this low balance. I mean, I used to be pretty poor growing up (not that bad, of course). Then, I was a poor college student. Then I was a poor AmeriCorps volunteer. But now, I have a grown-up job and I need to do grown-up things with my paycheck. Like save more money. Have an emergency fund. Have a fun fund. So I move a chunk of my paycheck over to my savings account as soon as it comes in. Obviously I could transfer it back to my checking account in a bind, but for now, it's safe since it's not in my checking account (out of sight out of mind).

About two months in to using this spreadsheet, I've started to notice the effects of squirreling away my income. My checking account is lower than it usually is (it's closer to this month's credit card balance than it usually is). But that seems good to me. Now that I'm putting my money where it matters, I can pretend like I'm a poor college kid with only $300 in my checking account. As long as it's in the bank, rather than in my closet, I'm good. I'm even going to start contributing to a retirement fund. More on that later.

So my dilemma, now, is what to do with my tax return. I got very excited, thinking about how many plane tickets it could buy, or how I could invest in some nice new bike commuting gear, and then...I compared it to my loans. Turns out, my refund this year is almost identical to the balance on my loan with the highest interest rate. I've been whittling away at that one since I paid off my other loan, and it is SO tempting to just make that one go away. And it kind of seems like a sign.

The point is, I like having money, and I like spending it. I especially like spending it on experiences, like visiting my fabulous friends in their fabulous cities around the globe. But if I were to pay off ALL of my loans by the end of this year, then ALL of my money...would be mine. And 2013 could be all mine, too.

One small issue is that 2 of my loans have ridiculously low interest rates (0! and 2.3%). I *could* hold off on paying them down since they won't be accruing very much interest, but again, I just want to be done with debt. So we'll see how this year turns out. But for now, it's full steam ahead. Here's to being debt-free in 2013. I like the way that sounds!

wanderlusting

i opened the fire door 

to four lips 

none of which 

were mine kissing 

tightened my belt 

around my hips where 

your hands were missing 

and stepped out 

into the cold 

collar high 

under the slate gray sky 

the air was smoking 

and the streets were dry 

and i wasn't joking 

when i said good bye

[ani difranco]

having a pensive night, thinking about issues that i care about, thinking about ways to live more authentically, mulling my thoughts over the brilliant sounds of ani difranco. remembering this song and how i turned it on my mp3 player as i first stepped into an overcast madrid morning to catch the train to the university, years ago now. tightening my clothes around the loneliness i felt and how it was somehow exhilarating. having the world at my fingertips and yet feeling lost and alone and small. so very small in such a big world.

the thing about great artists is that, if you catch them at the right time, they provide a soundtrack to your life, a backdrop to the memories of both painful and passionate moments. ani comforted me in a time when the world seemed to be falling apart. she always does.

"i guess everything is timing, i guess everything's been said, so i'm coming home to an empty head."

it surprises me that there is still closure to be found in my experiences abroad. in a lot of ways, i recognize that i was not ready for what i was to encounter there. that i was not primed to take advantage of all the experiences that were available to me. and yet i don't know that i ever would have been ready. it truly turned my life upside down, and i think that is the strange nature of travel. it unearths an unsettling feeling that may never get resolved, even after years of returning to "normalcy." i am forever changed, in the proverbial cliche way. 

"how can i go home with nothing to say 

i know you're going to look at me that way 

and say what did you do out there and 

what did you decide 

you said you needed time and 

you had time"

i spoke to a very respected co-worker today about my love of travel, and how she despises it. she refuses to go somewhere where should could get a parasite, or worse, abducted. i suppose we are mad to take those risks for the intoxicating feeling of that first espresso in a cafe where everyone is foreign. that rush of adrenaline when the immigration officer slams his fist into a stamp which makes real and tangible the fact that you are a stranger in a new place.

i like just about everything about traveling. i like packing black & neutral clothes and colorful scarves, phone chargers and travel-size toiletries. i like that nervous feeling in my gut when i wake up too early to catch a train or flight. i like that soy latte in the airport, even if it's awful. i like remembering, every time i take off in an airplane, the puerto rican boy who shouted with glee "we are going to the planets! to the sky!" as we took off from detroit and then landed in the middle of the caribbean.

i like getting my bearings in a new airport and then a city. i like the smells and the change in faces. i even like the lonelines. i never feel more like the protagonist of my own story than when i travel. it's the ultimate out-of-body experience. funny that i feel more myself when i'm out of my element than when i'm in it.

there are a million other reasons why i like to throw a suitcase together and jet around the world, but mostly, i think it's because i am fulfilling a promise i made to a bewildered young girl who got a taste of the great big world out there and i couldn't bear to let her down. as a teenager wandering the streets of cuernavaca, i made a promise to myself that i would travel. that i would defy the status quo of my perceived destiny, a girl from a small town in midwestern america. i would see the world, i would be open to it, and i would embrace the parasites and the dangers and the loneliness to get a whiff of that inebriating moroccan incense while the muezzin call the faithful to prayer, the crackling pine wood of a campfire in the sierras, the eerie aroma of a spanish eucalyptus forest in the fog, the crisp, salty spray of the pacific ocean, and the circling gulls.

the sky is grey

 the sand is grey 

and the ocean is grey 

 and i feel right at home 

in this stunning monochrome 

alone in my way 

 i smoke and i drink 

and every time i blink 

i have a tiny dream 

 but as bad as i am 

i'm proud of the fact 

that i'm worse than i seem 

 what kind of paradise 

am i looking for? 

i've got everything i want 

and still i want more 

maybe some tiny 

shiny key will 

wash up on the shore

it is inevitable. at least once a year, i have an uncontrollable itch to board a plane and discover a new place. in the past 6 years, i have been to dozens of places in spain, to morocco, to paris, to california, to scotland, montana and oregon, seattle/tacoma and rochester, washington dc, san francisco, new york city, the adirondacks, chicago, toronto and all over the dominican republic. and it is nowhere near enough. around february i start packing my suitcase just to practice. i scour rei.com for gear that i might need. i search ticket prices online and flip through my passport. i think of the people i love and the wonderful places they live and watch my bank account for a direct deposit to arrive that will allow me to live the life i have imagined. the life i choose. the life that makes me feel both empty and full, happy and sad, alone and united with humanity. the life where i get to sit at a table on a sidewalk cafe, sip wine and dip bread in oil and pretend that my life is an ever-unfolding story of a girl who took a chance and braved those awful parasites to see the sun set over sacre coeur. and that mesmerizing eiffel tower.

Quick(ish) Cashew Cheese

Last night I started soaking some raw cashews to make cheese today. Supposedly the longer you soak them the creamier the cheese will be (no more than overnight). This is how I put it together:


1/2-3/4 C raw cashews, soaked
A few Tbs leftover soaking water
1 Tbs nutritional yeast
1 tsp lemon juice
1 Tbs miso
1 Tbs tahini
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/8 tsp smoked paprika (optional)
Salt & pepper to taste


Blend everything in a food processor for a few minutes until very smooth. These are very rough estimates so almost everything should be measured to taste. If it is too thin you can let it set in the fridge. I believe some of the liquid will separate so you can pour it off.


Yum! Can't wait to try some on rye toast!

Week's end

Tonight I left work early, sat in a coffee shop knitting, drinking chai and listening to my favorite podcast waiting for Adam to meet me for dinner. We ate at my favorite restaurant, barely missed the bus home and opted to walk home instead of waiting an hour for the next one. We got home before the bus would have left downtown, plus got more than our daily minimum exercise. Now I'm reading about German and Dutch bicycle and pedestrian infrastructure and policy.

Let's just say I love the weekend.

Response: Open Letter to Motorists

I sometimes forget these things can really get out there into the interwebs, and it's left for others' interpretation. I received a few comments in reaction to my "enough is enough" post regarding motorists' treatment of non-motorists, and some things were inferred that I thought I could explain a bit more. This is not to be interpreted as lashing out against criticism of my feelings, but rather a way to be better heard regarding my specific objections to being asked every day, "Did you ride your bike?"

I should have mentioned in my post, Open Letter to Motorists, that I used to work with a woman who also biked to work, but for completely different reasons than why I do. For her, it was about fitness and staying in shape for competitions. She had a car and children and I think she asked me sometimes to guilt trip herself when she didn't ride, or to make herself feel better if she rode and I didn't. I really despised the competition and having to "admit" my choice [daily] when sometimes there is a very complicated decision-making process ("Am I meeting someone after work who has a car and no bike rack? Do I need to bring in awkwardly shaped objects to work? Do I need to get groceries on the way home? Am I leaving straight from work to catch a plane or go on a roadtrip? Is it too icy to bike?") No one wants to hear about those details, they just want a simple yes or no, did you ride your bike? But I want to know, "Why do you care?"

I understand that most people are just trying to think of something to say to me, to make polite conversation, but it is very hurtful when something so important to me is reduced to a yes or no. When they use my means of transportation as a way to demean me, by assuming that my experience must be awful on some days, even if quite pleasant on others. It is even more hurtful when people put down riding the bus. It is not glamorous, of course, but it is also a statement, of equal importance to riding a bike in my mind, of my commitment to safe, environmentally-friendly and progressive transportation. But from the looks on people's faces, and the way it stops the conversation, it indicates that I am poor or lazy. And who would want to spend all that time downtown...where the black people are. I'm being sarcastic, of course.

My problem is not that people ask me questions, it's that they ask questions to demean me. You may think that I'm overreacting or misunderstanding them, but when you get questioned day after day with the same responses and comments, you begin to sense a pattern. It is the same with my veganism. People automatically default to extremely negative reactions, "Oh, sorry, you can't have that" or "I had some [insert dead animal] last night...Oh, sorry, you don't eat that." "Where do you get your protein?" "I could never give up cheese, it's just too delicious." All of these things seem harmless, but they are in fact negative evaluations of my choices, which, by the way, make me blissfully happy apart from the negativity I receive from other people. The point is, you can be lazy about making conversation with me, but pick something that doesn't bring in our diverging ethical beliefs on a wintry Friday morning. No one thinks they are being rude, because they are in the majority.

My partner also rides his bike or the bus to work, and is vegan, and experiences the same interactions, though sometimes worse (I work in a community health department, so people tend to be more accepting of my "lifestyle" than they are at my partner's corporate media company). On the day I wrote the previous post, he and I were tied for 3 comments about riding our bikes in the winter weather by 10 AM.

I actually feel this way nearly every day, and yes, I decided to just write about it because it doesn't do much good complaining to Adam night after night about the idiot things people say, mindlessly, to me about things I care very much about. I have story upon story of outrageous things people have said to me, but what gets to me is that they don't want to have a conversation. They want to say something mindlessly and not have it mean anything. And I just think that's wrong. I don't care if this is an office and we're in cubicles. Don't ask about people's lifestyle choices if you don't want to talk about them. Don't bring up my ethical values and then treat them as if they aren't ethical. Don't disrespect my choices by talking about how miserable I must be making them. As I said in the end of my post, I continue to talk to people politely, racking my brain for constructive responses to their questions, a way to dig a little deeper with them, but they don't want to think about it. They don't like it when they say "Be careful on your ride home" and I say "You too" because that puts the onus on them, and they don't want to be responsible for my safety.

Sometimes people who are endlessly nice to others who don't deserve it need a place to debrief that isn't their kitchen.

open letter to motorists

It finally has to be said.

Motorists drive me absolutely up the wall.

I can't tell you how many times I'm asked daily, "Did you ride your bike today?" And usually, no, almost always, it's because the weather is so crappy they can't imagine hopping on a bike to get to work. So that's a really nice way of saying "I bet you had a really shitty commute, huh?" The other 2% of the time they ask me because it's a gorgeous day, and if by chance I didn't ride my bike, they look disappointed.

Let me explain something. When I don't ride my bike, I take the bus. I never drive to work (maybe 3 times, when I borrowed a car from my sister, while she was out of town). People, though, for being so thoroughly enthusiastic about me riding my bike (on good days) are so thoroughly unimpressed by my taking the bus when I don't ride. It completely ends the conversation.

I would just like to say that I don't ask people if they brushed their teeth this morning, or if they got off their asses and went for a run after work. I don't ask what route they take to work or if they stopped at Dunkin' Donuts for a 700 calorie doughnut hole. I don't ask them if they speed or if they give pedestrians the right of way. I don't ask where they buy their gas or IF THEY GODDAMN DROVE TO WORK.

I get asked in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the hallway, and at my desk. I get asked when co-workers (who never actually work) stop by the window 12 times a day to look at the weather. And then they ask if I rode. And the kicker is, they truly don't care whether I rode my bike or not. Because they already know how they feel about riding. That they would never consider pairing physical activity with commuting. That it must be such a hassle for me to bike to work. I'm guessing they think taking the bus is a hassle as well, but I don't know because, like I said, it's a conversation-stopper.

Today we got our first big dumping of snow, and people ask me almost nervously if I braved the snow on my two-wheeled chariot. When I "admit" I took the bus, they look relieved and proceed to tell me how they saw an idiot cyclist on the road in this weather. As if they didn't want to say anything if they knew I had been an idiot too. "I mean, CARS are sliding all over!" The whole problem with their attitudes is that they think I am doing something dangerous, when I am actually avoiding the danger--the possibility of KILLING someone with a 2-ton high-velocity metal cage. Riding my bike is only dangerous because they are out there in their cars.

Then, if I ride my bike, I'm told to "be careful". As if being surrounded by 2-ton high-velocity metal cages during rush hour near the largest employer in the city weren't a good enough reminder of how "careful" I need to be. As if my bare body doesn't care about looking for traffic even though I could be smashed in the blink of an eye and it not be my fault.

So what do I do? I'm completely trapped because I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I ride my bike on a day when motorists find inclement weather, then I'm stupid, and if I don't ride my bike I'm unimpressive. But the whole goddamned point is that I'm not out to impress anyone. I don't ride my bike so that people will ask me about it. I wish they wouldn't! And I don't want to tell you that I rode my bike just so you can lecture me about being safe, because I know exactly how dangerous cars are--so much so, I choose not to operate them for fear I could kill someone.

I could write a novel on my annoyance with people not letting me just enjoy riding my bike, but I'll save that for another day. For now, I'm going to sit here and pat myself on the back for always making more environmentally friendly choices than driving a motor vehicle, and for being nice to people who are jerks. So there.

Resolve

So it's January 5th and I have to say that I should have gotten rid of the sugary products in my house before starting my sugar-free journey. I'm not one to let things go to waste, and since our house guests are gone I've taken to cleaning out the sugary stuff, so to speak. Agave nectar, mom's cinnamon bread (though she did go light on the sugar), coconut nog and fruit juices still tempt me at home, but I'm okay with that for now. The only way I do things is gradually.
-----------
I finally got my hands on the Kinfolk Magazine. I heard about it through two blogs that I read, and I was waiting to put iOS 5 on my iPad so I could download it.

It was SO worth the wait.

Kinfolk is a magazine dedicated to the art of small gatherings. It is a beautiful collection of stories and photographs that glorify the goodness of sharing a cup of tea with a friend or the importance of lovingly preparing food for loved ones. I am very inspired by this particular aspect of the human experience to which these talented artists and writers decided to dedicate this magazine. It makes me proud of the gatherings we hosted over the holidays for friends and family and glad that I put so much effort into making our home cozy and our food inviting. It also encourages me to let go a bit--to allow things to unfold naturally, organically, without feeling contrived.

One line from a story really stood out to me. In talking about the harshness of a Manitoba winter, one writer wrote, 


"Winter is the recognition, in the form of a season, that we need each other."

I think about the times that Adam and I make the effort to brave the cold and snow and wind to visit a friend and how it always seems worth it, and how the weather is not as bad as we thought it would be (usually).

A few weeks ago I wrote that I was embarrassed to be so enamored of fancy things like tea and cozy neighborhoods and eating at restaurants because of my deep awareness of the suffering and needs of our community, and yet I find comfort in knowing that all humans have the desire to be warm, to drink from warm mugs in the winter and to share a meal with the ones we love. It is not luxury that I seek, but rather the comforts of community and home. All I have to do is work to extend the hospitality of our home to more neighbors.

So add that to the list of intentions for 2012.

This is the New Year

I have been thinking a lot about ways to dig deeper and live better in 2012, and there are several ideas bouncing around in my head.

First, I've decided to go sugar-free. No sweet baked goods, no added sweeteners, and no sodas (not even diet). I have been getting on and off this bandwagon for the last 6 months, but it's finally time to embrace it. I simply feel awful when I eat sugary things and I feel better when I don't. More about this in a future post.

I also, after creating a spreadsheet, have figured out that I can save $6000 and pay down my student loan debt to under $3000 by year's end, so I'm going to to do that. The trick is to stop feeling like I'm rich by investing my money immediately into the areas that need it--my savings account and my debts. If I know my checking account is low, I will be less likely to spend on more frivolous items. So the plan is to invest $500 into my savings account and $500 into my loans every month. It ends up being a hefty portion of my take-home pay, but it's definitely worth it.

These two things, I think, will really help cover the rest of my goals. Which are:
1. Get serious about reducing my belongings, both personally and within our household; sell what I can, give away what I can't and reduce the amount of new things that come into the house
2. Stay focused on creating inexpensive, nourishing, home-cooked meals full of nutrients but without expensive additions
3. Stop going to Starbucks and other coffee shops and instead take 2 minutes to pour myself a tea to-go
4. Drink more water instead of snacking in the afternoon
5. Spend more time reading (news, fiction, non-fiction) on my internet devices and less time shopping or reading blogs mindlessly
6. Grow more food; preserve more too
7. Meditate, do yoga, and take lots of walks (rain or shine)
8. Seriously reduce the amount of caffeine I consume; drink mostly herbal teas and water

Those goals may, at first glance, have nothing to do with my original two intentions, but they really do. I am so sick of putting money into loans--plain and simple. I can't stand what interest rates do to the amount you end up paying, and I want to finish the repayment as soon as humanly possible. Most of my other goals have to do with living more frugally so that I can manage this ambitious repayment (by the way, most loans are set up to be paid back in 10 years--I'm hoping to be done in less than 5). Not only do some of my money pitfalls have to do with impulse-buying, they are also connected to eating sugar. Even when I get plain latte's they still have sugar and caffeine. I tend to buy lots of snacks at work that are sometimes sweet, sometimes salty, but I am less likely to snack if I know I can't have cookies!

In the end, I want my money back. I want to have something to show for the salary that I earn. I want all of my money to go towards new adventures and investments, not into a past investment (my education). Who knows, I'll probably need to take out loans for graduate school at some point. But I hope I will have completely paid off my undergraduate debt before that happens. I also hate thinking about my decent-sized salary going towards lattes, burritos and shoes and having very little to show for the rest. So it's time to be in control of the cash that flows from my credit card and put it where it belongs. In a way, what I'm doing is preventing myself from the impulse-buys by taking away my money before I can spend it. Oh, the mind games I play on myself. In the end, I want to spend as much money as I can where it counts, so that I can truly take advantage of being debt free in a little over a year...can't wait...