Debt-Free in 2013

I have a problem.

I've gotten addicted to saving money and paying off loans.

Now, I wouldn't say I've adjusted my habits of spending quite yet, I still do a lot of impulse shopping (probably because I browse so much online), but I am doing a good thing by making the money disappear before it has time to burn a hole in my pocket.

See, I started a spreadsheet that calculates my take-home income as well as (most of) my expenses. The most exciting part of it is where I show my progress towards paying off my loans. If I adjust my monthly payment even a tiny bit, I see my balance go down and down. The first month I had this spreadsheet...I paid off an entire loan. It was a small one, of course, but I paid it off. Having it on my spreadsheet was just a liability, something hanging over me. When the balance gets down to around $1,000, I can't stand it. I have to pay it off.

I think I'm crazy. I'm doing the same thing with my savings. I think about how pathetic my savings account has been compared to how much I make, how I'm allowing it to hover at this low balance. I mean, I used to be pretty poor growing up (not that bad, of course). Then, I was a poor college student. Then I was a poor AmeriCorps volunteer. But now, I have a grown-up job and I need to do grown-up things with my paycheck. Like save more money. Have an emergency fund. Have a fun fund. So I move a chunk of my paycheck over to my savings account as soon as it comes in. Obviously I could transfer it back to my checking account in a bind, but for now, it's safe since it's not in my checking account (out of sight out of mind).

About two months in to using this spreadsheet, I've started to notice the effects of squirreling away my income. My checking account is lower than it usually is (it's closer to this month's credit card balance than it usually is). But that seems good to me. Now that I'm putting my money where it matters, I can pretend like I'm a poor college kid with only $300 in my checking account. As long as it's in the bank, rather than in my closet, I'm good. I'm even going to start contributing to a retirement fund. More on that later.

So my dilemma, now, is what to do with my tax return. I got very excited, thinking about how many plane tickets it could buy, or how I could invest in some nice new bike commuting gear, and then...I compared it to my loans. Turns out, my refund this year is almost identical to the balance on my loan with the highest interest rate. I've been whittling away at that one since I paid off my other loan, and it is SO tempting to just make that one go away. And it kind of seems like a sign.

The point is, I like having money, and I like spending it. I especially like spending it on experiences, like visiting my fabulous friends in their fabulous cities around the globe. But if I were to pay off ALL of my loans by the end of this year, then ALL of my money...would be mine. And 2013 could be all mine, too.

One small issue is that 2 of my loans have ridiculously low interest rates (0! and 2.3%). I *could* hold off on paying them down since they won't be accruing very much interest, but again, I just want to be done with debt. So we'll see how this year turns out. But for now, it's full steam ahead. Here's to being debt-free in 2013. I like the way that sounds!

wanderlusting

i opened the fire door 

to four lips 

none of which 

were mine kissing 

tightened my belt 

around my hips where 

your hands were missing 

and stepped out 

into the cold 

collar high 

under the slate gray sky 

the air was smoking 

and the streets were dry 

and i wasn't joking 

when i said good bye

[ani difranco]

having a pensive night, thinking about issues that i care about, thinking about ways to live more authentically, mulling my thoughts over the brilliant sounds of ani difranco. remembering this song and how i turned it on my mp3 player as i first stepped into an overcast madrid morning to catch the train to the university, years ago now. tightening my clothes around the loneliness i felt and how it was somehow exhilarating. having the world at my fingertips and yet feeling lost and alone and small. so very small in such a big world.

the thing about great artists is that, if you catch them at the right time, they provide a soundtrack to your life, a backdrop to the memories of both painful and passionate moments. ani comforted me in a time when the world seemed to be falling apart. she always does.

"i guess everything is timing, i guess everything's been said, so i'm coming home to an empty head."

it surprises me that there is still closure to be found in my experiences abroad. in a lot of ways, i recognize that i was not ready for what i was to encounter there. that i was not primed to take advantage of all the experiences that were available to me. and yet i don't know that i ever would have been ready. it truly turned my life upside down, and i think that is the strange nature of travel. it unearths an unsettling feeling that may never get resolved, even after years of returning to "normalcy." i am forever changed, in the proverbial cliche way. 

"how can i go home with nothing to say 

i know you're going to look at me that way 

and say what did you do out there and 

what did you decide 

you said you needed time and 

you had time"

i spoke to a very respected co-worker today about my love of travel, and how she despises it. she refuses to go somewhere where should could get a parasite, or worse, abducted. i suppose we are mad to take those risks for the intoxicating feeling of that first espresso in a cafe where everyone is foreign. that rush of adrenaline when the immigration officer slams his fist into a stamp which makes real and tangible the fact that you are a stranger in a new place.

i like just about everything about traveling. i like packing black & neutral clothes and colorful scarves, phone chargers and travel-size toiletries. i like that nervous feeling in my gut when i wake up too early to catch a train or flight. i like that soy latte in the airport, even if it's awful. i like remembering, every time i take off in an airplane, the puerto rican boy who shouted with glee "we are going to the planets! to the sky!" as we took off from detroit and then landed in the middle of the caribbean.

i like getting my bearings in a new airport and then a city. i like the smells and the change in faces. i even like the lonelines. i never feel more like the protagonist of my own story than when i travel. it's the ultimate out-of-body experience. funny that i feel more myself when i'm out of my element than when i'm in it.

there are a million other reasons why i like to throw a suitcase together and jet around the world, but mostly, i think it's because i am fulfilling a promise i made to a bewildered young girl who got a taste of the great big world out there and i couldn't bear to let her down. as a teenager wandering the streets of cuernavaca, i made a promise to myself that i would travel. that i would defy the status quo of my perceived destiny, a girl from a small town in midwestern america. i would see the world, i would be open to it, and i would embrace the parasites and the dangers and the loneliness to get a whiff of that inebriating moroccan incense while the muezzin call the faithful to prayer, the crackling pine wood of a campfire in the sierras, the eerie aroma of a spanish eucalyptus forest in the fog, the crisp, salty spray of the pacific ocean, and the circling gulls.

the sky is grey

 the sand is grey 

and the ocean is grey 

 and i feel right at home 

in this stunning monochrome 

alone in my way 

 i smoke and i drink 

and every time i blink 

i have a tiny dream 

 but as bad as i am 

i'm proud of the fact 

that i'm worse than i seem 

 what kind of paradise 

am i looking for? 

i've got everything i want 

and still i want more 

maybe some tiny 

shiny key will 

wash up on the shore

it is inevitable. at least once a year, i have an uncontrollable itch to board a plane and discover a new place. in the past 6 years, i have been to dozens of places in spain, to morocco, to paris, to california, to scotland, montana and oregon, seattle/tacoma and rochester, washington dc, san francisco, new york city, the adirondacks, chicago, toronto and all over the dominican republic. and it is nowhere near enough. around february i start packing my suitcase just to practice. i scour rei.com for gear that i might need. i search ticket prices online and flip through my passport. i think of the people i love and the wonderful places they live and watch my bank account for a direct deposit to arrive that will allow me to live the life i have imagined. the life i choose. the life that makes me feel both empty and full, happy and sad, alone and united with humanity. the life where i get to sit at a table on a sidewalk cafe, sip wine and dip bread in oil and pretend that my life is an ever-unfolding story of a girl who took a chance and braved those awful parasites to see the sun set over sacre coeur. and that mesmerizing eiffel tower.

Quick(ish) Cashew Cheese

Last night I started soaking some raw cashews to make cheese today. Supposedly the longer you soak them the creamier the cheese will be (no more than overnight). This is how I put it together:


1/2-3/4 C raw cashews, soaked
A few Tbs leftover soaking water
1 Tbs nutritional yeast
1 tsp lemon juice
1 Tbs miso
1 Tbs tahini
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/8 tsp smoked paprika (optional)
Salt & pepper to taste


Blend everything in a food processor for a few minutes until very smooth. These are very rough estimates so almost everything should be measured to taste. If it is too thin you can let it set in the fridge. I believe some of the liquid will separate so you can pour it off.


Yum! Can't wait to try some on rye toast!

Week's end

Tonight I left work early, sat in a coffee shop knitting, drinking chai and listening to my favorite podcast waiting for Adam to meet me for dinner. We ate at my favorite restaurant, barely missed the bus home and opted to walk home instead of waiting an hour for the next one. We got home before the bus would have left downtown, plus got more than our daily minimum exercise. Now I'm reading about German and Dutch bicycle and pedestrian infrastructure and policy.

Let's just say I love the weekend.