this is part 2 to a list i wrote nearly 4 years ago.
i sat in a coffee shop in tacoma in the early spring with my sister, my very best friend in the whole world, and we discussed the impending doom of college graduation. we had decisions to make, grown up ones. we were exactly the same age, but we had very different choices in front of us. while betsy sat wondering how to not make the easy choice to follow her partner wherever he went, i breathed the damp pacific air, mixed with the strong bitterness of my espresso and felt the twinge of regret that i had not been brave enough to move across the country at 18. i was jealous of my sister's laidback and yet fierce disposition, a product of spending 4 years in hippie heaven. the land where people wear chacos year round and no one uses an umbrella. we made a list of things that we wanted to do. bold things. inspired things. it was our whoa! dream big! list, and it truly led us to take bold and inspired steps towards dreams that spoke to our souls.
betsy moved to the catskills, lived alone in a cabin, and learned from a farmer named amy how to make medicine out of plants. she picked blueberries, baked pie, drank moonshine brewed by the neighbors, and fell asleep to the mooing of shaggy cows outside her door.
i spent an entire summer in the sierra mountains. i hiked to 9,000 ft, carried buckets of water from a raging river, and washed my clothes naked in the same river. i woke at sunrise, put in an honest day's work, flexed my muscles, lost weight that had been holding me back for far too long, and fell in love with the world. i saw the sun set every night from my tent, watched the moon rise over mountain lakes, and literally moved mountains to create monuments in the wilderness. i lost someone i didn't even know meant the world to me, i found the person i was always supposed to be, and it was all because of that day in the coffee shop when my sister and i decided that we were the authors of our own destiny.
it helps me to remind myself that adventures start the same way. every time. unsettled, restless frustration. searching, feeling lost, knowing that the world is out there having fun without you.
so hear is my whoa! dream big! list, part 2.
i want to...
1. become a dedicated practitioner of yoga.
2. have a job that has a direct, positive effect on people's lives. e.g. massage therapist, yoga teacher, youth leader in some sort of natural setting, city planner in charge of turning highways into bike lanes
3. become an expert gardener, growing 80%+ of the food i consume
4. live someplace where i can subsist off of the food i can grow (preferably including avocados)
5. live my life car-free
6. spend a significant part of my time in creative processes
7. travel to ancient places
8. eat a completely whole foods diet, as raw as possible
9. get a PhD in something that blows my socks off. political science mixed with feminist theory and community development, public health and philosophy and art.
10. see ani difranco in concert again. preferably with my sissy.
11. hike back through the stanislaus to see my rock wall and revisit the places that still hold pieces of my heart
12. publish a memoir
13. stay in touch with my spiritual inspiration.
14. travel around south america, without an agenda
15. read as many great books as possible
16. stay in touch with the people that brighten my life
17. focus on being positive and enjoying the small moments in life
18. be part of a movement that puts people on bikes, on foot or on buses and out of their cars
19. work in the white house
20. pay off my loans
the important thing about whoa! dream big! lists is to have things you can do right away. i'm currently working on paying off my loans, but i could do a better job of it. i also think i need to work on reading the great books and staying in touch with those who lift my spirits.
micro actions:
1. stop browsing the internet for things to buy. it really doesn't make me happier
2. spend that time reading a new book on kindle
3. start saving that money for a trip to oregon to visit betsy. i need her help with the rest of this list.
i have to remind myself that you can't meet your goals if you don't have any. so here's to having goals.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
grey
i feel restless.
time moves by quickly these days, weeks melting into months and years. what started as a new adventure in a new town is now my normal life. i see the same things every day, take the same route to work or to the grocery store or out to a restaurant i've been to at least 10 times or more. i stop at a corporate coffee shop for my caffeine fix and spend my days at a computer trying to get work done so that i can browse the web for shoes or rain coats or groupons and that is fun for me.
i look at my iphone hundreds of times a day, checking facebook and tumblr and reader trying to catch what's new in people's lives...people i know and people i don't. i find the fastest route to the pet store on google maps. i listen to music that makes me bored, but reminds me of the days when i was inspired by those songs. i ignore the news when i can since i feel helpless and because it reminds me of when i used to feel empowered.
i read something on a facebook that has been on my mind so much it surprises me.
colleen patrick goudreau wrote:
"most people
want to
make a difference,
but sometimes they forget
that in order to make a difference,
you have to
do something different."
it's easy to be complacent, and make excuses for all of the above, when you're doing a whole lot already to make a difference. i don't eat animals, and i don't drive cars. i also try to recycle and use my own grocery bags. i buy organic and local when possible. i speak up against sexism, homophobia and racism.
some people think these things are radical. maybe they are, but i have never felt like it was enough. it's literally the least i can do. it's the baseline. the minimum. the starting point. from here, i need to go somewhere. somewhere radical.
i'm old enough and wise enough to know that when i get restless, i need to keep pushing through. like pigeon pose in yoga, i need to let the yucky stuff out to start to feel liberated. i have to muse and simmer and have a few (okay, several) meltdowns to start to see the next step in this life.
some good friends have seen me through this kind of restlessness before: yoga, writing, music, and talking with my kindred spirits. i remember sitting in a coffee shop in tacoma with betsy, both of us feeling frustrated and restless about the end of college, not knowing where to go next. feeling uninspired and lost. we made a list. we called it "whoa! dream big", after the brilliant line in "juno". weeks later, i decided to fly across the country to live in the woods for five months. betsy found a farm in the catskills to work as an apprentice in medicinal herbs and picking blueberries.
yoga, writing, music, and spirits are good friends during these darker times. although these things become harder and harder to do outside of the glorious setting of academia, i will seek them out. i refuse to let go of that spark that has always moved me towards speaking my truth and taking my own path through life. it is the same spark that led me to a year in europe, to a summer in the mountains of california, and to a new life in this lovely little town i now call home.
the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey
i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my ways,
i smoke and i drink, and every time i blink i have a tiny dream
as bad as i am, i'm proud of the fact i am worse than i seem
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still want more
- ani difranco
on my list, for now, is taking advantage of the groupon i bought for yoga classes, getting a massage when i come back from the dominican republic, and getting excited about christmas lights, taking the solstice off from work (finally) and welcoming the light back into my life.
and listening to lots of ani difranco. that girl's got some sense, for real.
time moves by quickly these days, weeks melting into months and years. what started as a new adventure in a new town is now my normal life. i see the same things every day, take the same route to work or to the grocery store or out to a restaurant i've been to at least 10 times or more. i stop at a corporate coffee shop for my caffeine fix and spend my days at a computer trying to get work done so that i can browse the web for shoes or rain coats or groupons and that is fun for me.
i look at my iphone hundreds of times a day, checking facebook and tumblr and reader trying to catch what's new in people's lives...people i know and people i don't. i find the fastest route to the pet store on google maps. i listen to music that makes me bored, but reminds me of the days when i was inspired by those songs. i ignore the news when i can since i feel helpless and because it reminds me of when i used to feel empowered.
i read something on a facebook that has been on my mind so much it surprises me.
colleen patrick goudreau wrote:
"most people
want to
make a difference,
but sometimes they forget
that in order to make a difference,
you have to
do something different."
it's easy to be complacent, and make excuses for all of the above, when you're doing a whole lot already to make a difference. i don't eat animals, and i don't drive cars. i also try to recycle and use my own grocery bags. i buy organic and local when possible. i speak up against sexism, homophobia and racism.
some people think these things are radical. maybe they are, but i have never felt like it was enough. it's literally the least i can do. it's the baseline. the minimum. the starting point. from here, i need to go somewhere. somewhere radical.
i'm old enough and wise enough to know that when i get restless, i need to keep pushing through. like pigeon pose in yoga, i need to let the yucky stuff out to start to feel liberated. i have to muse and simmer and have a few (okay, several) meltdowns to start to see the next step in this life.
some good friends have seen me through this kind of restlessness before: yoga, writing, music, and talking with my kindred spirits. i remember sitting in a coffee shop in tacoma with betsy, both of us feeling frustrated and restless about the end of college, not knowing where to go next. feeling uninspired and lost. we made a list. we called it "whoa! dream big", after the brilliant line in "juno". weeks later, i decided to fly across the country to live in the woods for five months. betsy found a farm in the catskills to work as an apprentice in medicinal herbs and picking blueberries.
yoga, writing, music, and spirits are good friends during these darker times. although these things become harder and harder to do outside of the glorious setting of academia, i will seek them out. i refuse to let go of that spark that has always moved me towards speaking my truth and taking my own path through life. it is the same spark that led me to a year in europe, to a summer in the mountains of california, and to a new life in this lovely little town i now call home.
the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey
i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my ways,
i smoke and i drink, and every time i blink i have a tiny dream
as bad as i am, i'm proud of the fact i am worse than i seem
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still want more
- ani difranco
on my list, for now, is taking advantage of the groupon i bought for yoga classes, getting a massage when i come back from the dominican republic, and getting excited about christmas lights, taking the solstice off from work (finally) and welcoming the light back into my life.
and listening to lots of ani difranco. that girl's got some sense, for real.
Friday, February 18, 2011
toronto in february
so, as i mentioned earlier, i was about to brave the streets of toronto in february. i guess i should give a little bit of background.
i'm here in toronto for the annual meeting for the society for research on nicotine and tobacco (SRNT). it's for work, obviously, and it's pretty interesting because i have almost no knowledge about tobacco research, except for my own research. i pick up bits and pieces as we go along, but for the most part this is all very new to me. there have been some great sessions talking about global tobacco control interventions and research, and basically if you use the words "global", "international" or "cultural" in anything i will be interested.
i arrived in toronto on tuesday night and i'll be here until sunday. this place is pretty cool, though it reminds me of some dingier european cities that i've visited (valencia comes to mind, although they don't have the beautiful old buildings like valencia has). anyway, toronto is nice and i've had a little bit of time to explore the downtown area.
after my last post, i walked down queen's quay to jarvis where i checked out "vital planet", a health food store. from my internet searches, it seemed like it was the best in the area, but i hope that's not the case. it seems very unpopulated by food products (indicating a low turnaround on sales). the refrigerators were nearly empty (some were entirely empty!) and they only had one or two of every item. so, to say the least, it was underwhelming. i bought a box of New Moon Kitchen chocolate chip cookies, some Lara bars and a can of kombucha. pretty standard fair. i thought about buying some tofutti cream cheese and tofurkey slices, but i'm not sure what adam wants.
OH! adam is coming to visit! he will be here in a couple of hours. i'm going to meet him at the bus station and then we're getting dinner at commensal, the same place where i ate lunch on wednesday. it's right around the corner and they have a discount after 8:30 PM.
anyway, this afternoon, after i left Vital Planet, i headed over to the St. Lawrence Market, which is just down the street. at first i went to the top floor which was a BIG MISTAKE. it was filled with dead animal parts and reeked of fish. it reminded me of every market in spain, but especially (surprise surprise) valencia's. BUT THEN, i went DOWNSTAIRS, and it was like i died and went to hippie heaven. there were cute little organic shops everywhere, ethnic tapestries, ethnic foods, and other wonderful things. i found a tofu shop, and the lady gave me samples and they were so delicious! i bought a sweet and sour variety that you can just eat out of the bag. yum! i'm taking adam there tomorrow. they have tofu steaks and tofu turkeys and they're just so yummy! i also found a vegan cafe where we will probably have lunch tomorrow. very upscale (e.g. pricey) menu but the options look good.
blah blah blah. basically, i had a nice afternoon in the sunshine and i am looking forward to doing more exploring with adam, and showing him some of the things i've discovered. i have a poster session in the morning and then after that i'm free to wander for the rest of the day. can't wait!
i'm here in toronto for the annual meeting for the society for research on nicotine and tobacco (SRNT). it's for work, obviously, and it's pretty interesting because i have almost no knowledge about tobacco research, except for my own research. i pick up bits and pieces as we go along, but for the most part this is all very new to me. there have been some great sessions talking about global tobacco control interventions and research, and basically if you use the words "global", "international" or "cultural" in anything i will be interested.
i arrived in toronto on tuesday night and i'll be here until sunday. this place is pretty cool, though it reminds me of some dingier european cities that i've visited (valencia comes to mind, although they don't have the beautiful old buildings like valencia has). anyway, toronto is nice and i've had a little bit of time to explore the downtown area.
after my last post, i walked down queen's quay to jarvis where i checked out "vital planet", a health food store. from my internet searches, it seemed like it was the best in the area, but i hope that's not the case. it seems very unpopulated by food products (indicating a low turnaround on sales). the refrigerators were nearly empty (some were entirely empty!) and they only had one or two of every item. so, to say the least, it was underwhelming. i bought a box of New Moon Kitchen chocolate chip cookies, some Lara bars and a can of kombucha. pretty standard fair. i thought about buying some tofutti cream cheese and tofurkey slices, but i'm not sure what adam wants.
OH! adam is coming to visit! he will be here in a couple of hours. i'm going to meet him at the bus station and then we're getting dinner at commensal, the same place where i ate lunch on wednesday. it's right around the corner and they have a discount after 8:30 PM.
anyway, this afternoon, after i left Vital Planet, i headed over to the St. Lawrence Market, which is just down the street. at first i went to the top floor which was a BIG MISTAKE. it was filled with dead animal parts and reeked of fish. it reminded me of every market in spain, but especially (surprise surprise) valencia's. BUT THEN, i went DOWNSTAIRS, and it was like i died and went to hippie heaven. there were cute little organic shops everywhere, ethnic tapestries, ethnic foods, and other wonderful things. i found a tofu shop, and the lady gave me samples and they were so delicious! i bought a sweet and sour variety that you can just eat out of the bag. yum! i'm taking adam there tomorrow. they have tofu steaks and tofu turkeys and they're just so yummy! i also found a vegan cafe where we will probably have lunch tomorrow. very upscale (e.g. pricey) menu but the options look good.
blah blah blah. basically, i had a nice afternoon in the sunshine and i am looking forward to doing more exploring with adam, and showing him some of the things i've discovered. i have a poster session in the morning and then after that i'm free to wander for the rest of the day. can't wait!
(free) time
i was just about to write a long blog about my thoughts/fears/worries/excitement about having a commitment ceremony this year, but i looked out the window and saw that the sun is shining and it's probably incredibly warm outside, especially for toronto in february. so instead of blowing up on this blog, i'm going to air my thoughts in the streets of toronto. what about the conference, you say? i just sat through a talk where i heard "endoplasmic reticulum" and "alpha four beta 6 receptors" a few too many times. i'll go back when there are talks about "interventions" and "treatment" and "tobacco control" dominating the rhetoric. thanks for checking, though.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Vegan delicious-ness
I found a lovely little vegetarian cafe in Toronto near the Eaton Centre mall. This was my first meal in about 26 hours--I was living off of Luna bars and baby carrots during my train ride to Toronto and through the next morning of this conference.
I think the thought of finding a vegan friendly place to eat that is convenient and not too expensive in another city (and country!) is daunting for me. Especially if my primary purpose is not tourism. At the hotel where I'm staying, a serving of blueberries is $9, so I cant exactly depend on dining at the hotel. But at least I've had one good meal so far!
Cheers
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I think the thought of finding a vegan friendly place to eat that is convenient and not too expensive in another city (and country!) is daunting for me. Especially if my primary purpose is not tourism. At the hotel where I'm staying, a serving of blueberries is $9, so I cant exactly depend on dining at the hotel. But at least I've had one good meal so far!
Cheers
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:Commensal, Toronto
Friday, February 4, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Report from the Dominican Republic
Well, I'm here in the DR, having just returned from a border city near Haiti, and I can say that this is not exactly what I expected. We are spending the night in a hotel in San Juan, which is a larger city in the south, and when we first stayed here Sunday I thought that it was a little dingy. Now, having returned from Banica, it feels like a palace! We have a shower that is clean and has warm water. We have a bathroom with a toilet seat and flushing capabilities. We have air conditioning and electricity--we even have internet! Where we stayed last night, there were windows with no screens, extremely dirty floors, a disgusting bathroom with a huge spider, tons of noise all around and electricity only from 1am to 3am. A bat was stuck in my room last night so I had to sleep on the couch in the living room. It was incredibly hot and humid but I was so nervous about the mosquitos that I slept under a sheet. It was the longest night of my life. And there was a long cat fight that took place near our apartment that sounded not of this earth. So freaking bizarre. Roosters crowing at all hours, dogs barking, music blaring, etc etc etc. The woman who is leading our group, who has done plenty of field work in Costa Rica, Tibet, and even the DR said that she usually prides herself in her ability to survive any field conditions but that this experience has broken her. I honestly think we could have managed, but it's much better to be here tonight. I wouldn't have showered for 3 days and I don't have anything else to read to pass the time until I pass out...
Our work is going okay, except for the weird encounters we've had with people who are providing services. I feel a bit annoyed because there doesn't seem to be a problem with smoking in Banica. There are a few people who do, but it seems like a lot of effort to do all this work for a handful of people who still smoke. I guess I see the value in creating an entirely smoke-free community, but I don't know how sustainable that is.
My biggest question is: What do people do all day? I saw people (not just in Banica, but all over the country) sitting outside all day long, not doing a thing. Barely talking, not occupying themselves with any activity. Some people obviously work, but most seem to be lounging around all day. It's just a strange sight.
The whole vegan thing has been interesting. The woman who cooked for us seemed to understand what I could not eat, and I don't think I was unknowingly fed anything not-vegan, but she was super suspicious of me. She kept saying she didn't know what I eat if I don't eat meat, eggs, cheese, milk, etc. I explained to my teammates that where I live there is "cheese", "milk" and "meat" that I can eat that don't come from animals, and one of my teammates said that he knows a woman who is vegetarian and she makes something that tastes exactly like meat, and is very tasty. It was nice to hear that, and I was very happy to find chocolate Silk and soya chunks at the regular supermarket. I'm not quite sure how things will go in the other community, but I still have plenty of Luna bars and Vega shake mix if I need them. At this point, I could probably use some green pea powder... :)
Thankfully I have not gotten sick and I have been able to survive the heat, seemingly better than other teammates. I sweat all day long but it doesn't quite bother me. I think it's because of my time in the backcountry. And maybe all the Power yoga that I've done. I'm used to being sweaty, I suppose!
That's all for now. We'll see how the rest of the week goes. I miss my Adam and I already have work emergencies not related to the project that I need to take care of. What a challenge this kind of international project is. Don't tell anyone, but I've already considered quitting! But not seriously, of course. But I'm not that excited to do this kind of field work again. At least on such a tight budget.
I should just mention that I really love my teammates. They are so supportive and have so much knowledge and how-to about this country. I don't know what we would do without them. Yamel is hilarious. Jairo is very kind and friendly, and Arisleyda is great in a crisis. She's also friendly and compassionate. I love her.
Okay, now I'm really done. Time to shower. Love to all!
Our work is going okay, except for the weird encounters we've had with people who are providing services. I feel a bit annoyed because there doesn't seem to be a problem with smoking in Banica. There are a few people who do, but it seems like a lot of effort to do all this work for a handful of people who still smoke. I guess I see the value in creating an entirely smoke-free community, but I don't know how sustainable that is.
My biggest question is: What do people do all day? I saw people (not just in Banica, but all over the country) sitting outside all day long, not doing a thing. Barely talking, not occupying themselves with any activity. Some people obviously work, but most seem to be lounging around all day. It's just a strange sight.
The whole vegan thing has been interesting. The woman who cooked for us seemed to understand what I could not eat, and I don't think I was unknowingly fed anything not-vegan, but she was super suspicious of me. She kept saying she didn't know what I eat if I don't eat meat, eggs, cheese, milk, etc. I explained to my teammates that where I live there is "cheese", "milk" and "meat" that I can eat that don't come from animals, and one of my teammates said that he knows a woman who is vegetarian and she makes something that tastes exactly like meat, and is very tasty. It was nice to hear that, and I was very happy to find chocolate Silk and soya chunks at the regular supermarket. I'm not quite sure how things will go in the other community, but I still have plenty of Luna bars and Vega shake mix if I need them. At this point, I could probably use some green pea powder... :)
Thankfully I have not gotten sick and I have been able to survive the heat, seemingly better than other teammates. I sweat all day long but it doesn't quite bother me. I think it's because of my time in the backcountry. And maybe all the Power yoga that I've done. I'm used to being sweaty, I suppose!
That's all for now. We'll see how the rest of the week goes. I miss my Adam and I already have work emergencies not related to the project that I need to take care of. What a challenge this kind of international project is. Don't tell anyone, but I've already considered quitting! But not seriously, of course. But I'm not that excited to do this kind of field work again. At least on such a tight budget.
I should just mention that I really love my teammates. They are so supportive and have so much knowledge and how-to about this country. I don't know what we would do without them. Yamel is hilarious. Jairo is very kind and friendly, and Arisleyda is great in a crisis. She's also friendly and compassionate. I love her.
Okay, now I'm really done. Time to shower. Love to all!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Burrito Salad
Last night, Adam and I had a very late dinner that I'm calling the Burrito Salad. We had lots of greens, so we started with those on a big plate. I reheated some white rice leftover from takeout, and mixed in chopped cilantro and lime juice. I also reheated some refried black beans. We chopped up some cherry tomatoes for garnish, and piled everything on top of the lettuce, with salsa and sliced avocado on top. It was delicious, and, as Adam said, if you ate that meal every day of your life (maybe mixing in some kale) you would live to be 5 billion years old. The truth is, all of this is incredibly good for you, and the only fat is in the avocado and beans. I might try some brown rice and still eat blueberries from time to time, but this is a good recipe to guide you through a long, healthy life. And one that won't make you feel guilty for eating dinner at 10:00 PM.
Sesame Cashew Noodles
I'm trying out this recipe for a picnic potluck this afternoon. I may toss in some fried tofu. I used Sriracha sauce instead of chili flakes.
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