grey

i feel restless.

time moves by quickly these days, weeks melting into months and years. what started as a new adventure in a new town is now my normal life. i see the same things every day, take the same route to work or to the grocery store or out to a restaurant i've been to at least 10 times or more. i stop at a corporate coffee shop for my caffeine fix and spend my days at a computer trying to get work done so that i can browse the web for shoes or rain coats or groupons and that is fun for me.

i look at my iphone hundreds of times a day, checking facebook and tumblr and reader trying to catch what's new in people's lives...people i know and people i don't. i find the fastest route to the pet store on google maps. i listen to music that makes me bored, but reminds me of the days when i was inspired by those songs. i ignore the news when i can since i feel helpless and because it reminds me of when i used to feel empowered.

i read something on a facebook that has been on my mind so much it surprises me.

colleen patrick goudreau wrote:

"most people
                want to
make a difference, 
                          but sometimes they forget
that in order to make a difference,
                you have to
do something different."

it's easy to be complacent, and make excuses for all of the above, when you're doing a whole lot already to make a difference. i don't eat animals, and i don't drive cars. i also try to recycle and use my own grocery bags. i buy organic and local when possible. i speak up against sexism, homophobia and racism.

some people think these things are radical. maybe they are, but i have never felt like it was enough. it's literally the least i can do. it's the baseline. the minimum. the starting point. from here, i need to go somewhere. somewhere radical.

i'm old enough and wise enough to know that when i get restless, i need to keep pushing through. like pigeon pose in yoga, i need to let the yucky stuff out to start to feel liberated. i have to muse and simmer and have a few (okay, several) meltdowns to start to see the next step in this life.

some good friends have seen me through this kind of restlessness before: yoga, writing, music, and talking with my kindred spirits. i remember sitting in a coffee shop in tacoma with betsy, both of us feeling frustrated and restless about the end of college, not knowing where to go next. feeling uninspired and lost. we made a list. we called it "whoa! dream big", after the brilliant line in "juno". weeks later, i decided to fly across the country to live in the woods for five months. betsy found a farm in the catskills to work as an apprentice in medicinal herbs and picking blueberries.

yoga, writing, music, and spirits are good friends during these darker times. although these things become harder and harder to do outside of the glorious setting of academia, i will seek them out. i refuse to let go of that spark that has always moved me towards speaking my truth and taking my own path through life. it is the same spark that led me to a year in europe, to a summer in the mountains of california, and to a new life in this lovely little town i now call home.

the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey
i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my ways, 
i smoke and i drink, and every time i blink i have a tiny dream 
as bad as i am, i'm proud of the fact i am worse than i seem 
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still want more

- ani difranco


on my list, for now, is taking advantage of the groupon i bought for yoga classes, getting a massage when i come back from the dominican republic, and getting excited about christmas lights, taking the solstice off from work (finally) and welcoming the light back into my life.

and listening to lots of ani difranco. that girl's got some sense, for real.