isn't it ironic...

when i ended my last post, i intended to head out on my bike for the evening, but what i did instead was stick around home and realize plans i had half-heartedly tried to make to attend the uganda lobby days conference in dc. instead of going to women's group, i bought a plane ticket and made arrangements to stay with a good friend from abroad. it was the best decision i've made this spring.

aside from being interesting, informative and inspiring, this trip was also full of irony. for example:

1. while i waited in the rochester airport to head to this peace rally, i was held up in my terminal by a plane-load of WWII vets exiting their plane to applause and standing ovations. ironic, considering i was on my way to protest war. and here they were, former soldiers, being honored by complete and total strangers. bizzare, to say the least.

2. i happened to be riding the same metro line that, while i was in DC, suffered a massive crash that killed 10 people, including the driver. although i was never near the stop and was in the conference when it happened, it was still surreal to take that same line the day after and watch the solemn and slightly nervous faces of my metro companions.

3. in a strange flow of conversation, i was invited to lunch with adam's ex-girlfriend, nicole. one of the girls in my new york delegation had been talking about how she had lost her cell phone and was trying to make sure she could still meet up with her friend for lunch. she discovered that i was vegan and excitedly invited me to go with her to lunch. she and "nicole" had worked for PETA one summer, traveling in a van and handing out vegan goodies, and she couldn't wait to see her again (ahem, she couldn't remember her last name though...) finally i realized it was the same nicole and very abrubtly declined. adam and i had joked about meeting up with her, but i was certainly not interested in having lunch with the woman adam lived with in his house for three years. even if i've already met her and think she's nice...

4. i made a friend at the conference, and we were driving around the city, looking for a gas station, when we ran out of gas. oh irony of all ironies.

5. i saw my friend alyssa's boyfriend biking around Adams Morgan, where i was staying with miriam (i met alyssa AND miriam in spain). then i found out alyssa had been the same place i was earlier, trying to catch glimpses of reese witherspoon shooting her latest film at the nearby starbucks.

so there you have it. there are other things worth blogging about, but i need to move on.


i quit my job at starbucks. my last day is next sunday. i couldn't be happier. i am a little sad that it limits my traveling abilities, but i can't wait to have those mornings to blog, read up on current events, job search, work on grad school apps and spend time with adam and betsy. our garden is exploding with fresh food and i need to get rid of a lot of things i don't need anymore. and there are many more books to read as well.

i'm getting more excited than ever about going back to school. i've been excited about clark university, but i just looked at uc-davis again, and i have a great feeling about it. i would love to live in davis, first of all, and i think the program would be great for me. i think the work that i'm doing now could really help me in the program, and depending on how i design my curriculum, i could get into agriculture, women's issues, sustainability, etc. one amazing thing about this program is that it's about building great communities that help protect our environment and take care of people, and davis is such an exemplary community. they also do extension work in sacramento, which is the most diverse city in the nation according to Time magazine. so it seems like a great model from which to learn. personally, i love that it is extremely close to the stanislaus, yosemite, tahoe and a host of other parks and forests for weekend hikes. and it's also the most bike-friendly city in the country. i think we're on the right track...

spending a year away from school, especially in environments that are extremely non-academic, i am thirsting for some brain stimulation and a chance to challenge myself. last year i wanted to give my brain a break, and it's been really good for me. i challenged my body and pushed it further than i ever thought it could go. i sat on mountain-tops, meditated on the shores of calm creeks and was nearly swept away in a raging river. i hiked 2 miles into the sky, carried all of my worldly possessions on my back. and now it's time to do all of that figuratively with my brain :) i can't wait to see what new adventures are waiting for me. just a few more months in americorps, and then who knows where i'll end up!

returning

hello blog, oh how i've missed you.

i can measure how long i've been dating adam by how long i've been absent on the internet. it's crazy how unappealing the internet seems when you've got a cute boy around. as much as i've enjoyed my hiatus from the addiction that is an online presence, i have to say i've missed my journaling.

it's not just adam that has taken me away from writing. i've remained horrendously busy working a full-time and a part-time job, bike commuting, and trying to maintain some sense of order in my home and a sufficient level of personal hygiene. all that and going on adventures with my amazing partner...it's no wonder i haven't had time to write about all that's going on!

so today, different from any other day, i happen to have the whole day off from both jobs and adam went home early to take care of things with his kitties, while i stayed to finish some housecleaning and organizing. this means i've putzed around long enough to feel like settling in to write before claire joins me on skype so we can catch up.

i've had a great day so far. i woke up and cleaned up the warzone in the kitchen from last night's indian dinner. i started some laundry, ate a bowl of soyogurt, and read a bit of my book about trees. eventually adam woke up and i made him oatmeal and he tinkered with iPhoney while i made some bulk food for the week. i'm going to be busy all day everyday until next monday, so i have to make sure i can feed myself on the run. some weeks i'm not so good about doing this on my days off, so i end up eating at dogtown three days a week and binge-eating vegan cookies fromt the co-op. i'm pleased with my foresight this time.

this is a bit of my routine since adam has come into my life. aside from the wild adventures we have together, which more often than not involve long bike rides and lots of vegan food. we split the week at my house and his, depending on my morning schedule at starbucks. he is good about letting out honey, my enormous white bunny rabbit, to hop around and nibble on the wood trim of just about everything in my bedroom. i clean her cage, give her a handful of food, make sure her water is full, and count on adam to make sure she's entertained when i'm not around. it's really hard to work so many hours and then spend every other hour (waking and sleeping) with adam, but it's all worth it.

we've been dating for about three months now, and i much prefer this life to my life before i met him. i had more time to think and reflect then, but all i had to think about was how unhappy i was and how much i wanted to go on adventures, here or anywhere else. those who know me know i love to write about how unhappy i am, but rarely how content i am with life. contentment is uninspiring, i suppose. there's nothing to work out.

i expect claire's call any minute, so i'm going to prepare to be on the phone for at least an hour. then i'm off to the women's group meeting at teen city before i meet adam and his friends at an asian restaurant for dinner. maybe i can come back here in about a week. it'd be nice to get back in the habit again...

signs from above

I used to wait for a sign, she said, before I
did anything. Then one night I had a
dream & an angel in black tights came to
me & said, you can start any time now, &
then I asked is this a sign? & the angel
started laughing & I woke up. Now, I think
the whole world is filled with signs, but if
there's no laughter, I know they're not for me.

[brian andreas]

the whole world is filled with signs. i've always believed it, but this wisdom passed on to me by my mother has never seemed so true as now. a million signs have gently guided me on journeys small and grand, helped me make decisions and choose from a thousand paths that could have taken me anywhere in the world. signs are everywhere, and the more you listen to those little nudges from the universe, the more fun you'll have. i promise.

last night i spent the evening after work with a good friend, savoring food from my favorite little restaurant in rochester and enjoying pleasant conversation. once again i was reminded that, although i loved edinburgh and being with claire, it was good to be back home. home in rochester, with people and places that really make me feel like i belong in this strange new life.

as we were leaving dogtown, we stopped by teen city to get my bicycle. adam laughed at betsy's silly cruiser which i have adopted for the time being, until i can buy my own sweet ride. with headlamp strapped to helmet and handlebars sticking out like bug antennae, he said i was adorable. i'm sure it was closer to ridiculous. i took the compliment anyway. to put it into perspective, adam's sweet ride has bumper stickers, a back seat, speakers for cruising to good tunes, and flashing lights. it's kind of like comparing a harley to a crotch-rocket. without all the macho baggage, of course...

anyway, back to the signs!!! once we were sufficiently equipped with safety gear and had some good music flowing, we took off down monroe ave. i began to pass adam on the sidewalk, only to be completely bombarded by an enormous yellow sign that fell from the storefront 10 feet up. it clipped me in the head (thank goodness for my helmet!) and fell to the ground with that sheet-metal-thunder sound. shocked and simultaneously amused, i dismounted to inspect my attacker. this enormous yellow plastic sign that fell from the sky and hit me in the head, in fact, had the word "sign" on it. so there you have it: a "sign".

the reason why i was certain it really was a sign is that, upon our evaluation of the situation, adam and i fell into stitches of laughter, amused and befuddled by the irony of what had just happened. i was completely unhurt, and could only keep repeating "it's a sign! it's a sign!" as adam took pictures and laughed heartily. he strapped the sign to his back seat and after recovering from our fits of laughter, we resumed our night ride through the rain, still glowing with smiles. he rode home with me, presented me with "the sign" and gave me a nice hug. he rode away, and i brought the sign inside to show betsy and charlie. they were impressed and perplexed, which satisfied me.


i'm not sure what the purpose of this sign was. i know that we really had a lovely time together and it served to reinforce how much joy i think we both felt for the moment. it's not every day that a real sign bashes you in the head, and when it happens, you have to stop and think about what the universe is trying to tell you. i know for certain i will always wear my helmet when riding, and that i will continue to accept invitations to adventure with adam. it seems they are always rewarded with the most curious and mysterious of events. and lots and lots of laughter...

to scotland.

it's about time to leave for the airport.

i'm going to scotland :)

after quite the whirlwind, i've made it to another adventure...one involving passports, airports and time to think. it's my favorite thing in the world. i have a true addiction to it. i'm sitting here in my living room with my luggage in front of me, and there is nothing quite so satisfying as seeing all that work stuffed into a few small bags. i love preparing a suitcase with only the essentials, imagining what kind of journey i will be taking and what things i will need. starting with a large pile and slimming it down to a neat stack. little bottles of shampoo. batteries, snacks and something to read. plenty of socks and underwear.

a long time ago i discovered that this is what i wanted to live for. this is what i wanted my life to be. preparing for the next big adventure, taking the time to explore, grow and learn through challenging and exhilirating experiences. interacting with the whole world. this is what i'm meant to do. i'm not lucky, as one person said, except in that i am american, wealthy compared to the rest of the world and able-bodied. but all other things being equal, you have to want to do these things. it's been a rough little road up to today, losing my passport and finding it again, making financial sacrifices and taking risks, putting in extra hours at work, etc. but i've had so much faith in the beauty of adventure, the value of getting out in the world and taking the time to live, to truly live, in this world, that nothing has made this trip not worth it.

charlie should be here soon to take me to the airport. let's see what scotland has in store for claire bear and me...

begin again.

it is suddenly march.

the beginning. and the end.

last wednesday was ash wednesday, and now we are past the threshold of winter. we may be pummeled by snow storms yet, but winter is losing its battle. the time to start over has come, and there is no stopping it.

in less than 10 days, i will be boarding an airplane, destined for scotland. it will be my first international travel in two years. i won't be there long, but it will be enough. i am so unbelievably excited to see claire. we will get to celebrate her birthday early, visit the highlands and walk and walk and walk and talk and drink coffee. i'm looking forward so much to seeing this new life that she has in edinburgh, and maybe to give her my blessing to stay.

i would like to continue this entry, but i am about to get picked up on my vegan, animal rights, fellow UU-churchgoing friend's bicycle. details later :)

home, sick.

searching boxes underneath the counter
on a chance that on a tape i'd find

a song for
someone who needs somewhere
to long for

homesick
cause i no longer know
what home is
[kings of convenience]

last night there was a confusion between me being home, sick, and homesick. there is a difference, wide and deep, between the two, but i wonder if i can bring them together. i'm intrigued by hearing "homesick" by the kings of convenience today, after that confusion, because the song talks about some feelings that i have about my work that i'm doing and where i want to be. and i know i'm not homesick for michigan, but i could be homesick for california. well, i mean, i'm absolutely homesick for the stanislaus.

so, let's talk about being sick at home and homesick. the former is somewhat antithetical to the latter because if you're home, sick, then you're obviously at home, wherever that is. it is definitely more literal, and doesn't require much of a definition because it is tangible. both being sick and being in a physical space called home are objective (for the most part). but being homesick is entirely abstract, because you are missing a place that physically does not exist. in a way, you can't prove that that place exists because you cannot see it, and whatever your ideas about it, you can't define what it is or what you miss about it. being homesick is in your head, while being sick is entirely within your body.

so at this moment, i suffer from physical sickness. i suppose if i felt like pondering it, i would admit that i miss a place in my memory that no longer exists for me in any physical sense. now that i'm thinking about this...does what i think about place also apply to people? are friends that live thousands of miles away any less because of the space between us? perhaps that is the beauty of communication, because i can still verify their existance through our phone calls and letters. i can't really check in with the trees and deer in the stanislaus to make sure they're still alive and well. i'm tempted to bring in the old addage, "if a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?" just because i have no contact with my mountains, does that mean i can't remain connected to it? is it all in my head? who knows.

this is what happens when i take the day off to recover from illness. i make no sense and try to grapple with things beyond my brain's current functioning capacity. i shouldn't drink coffee when i'm this sick...

amigos

this weekend, i finally felt that i have friends here in rochester.

on thursday night, betsy, greta and i went to a valentine's party at one of rochester's living co-ops. we didn't know many people, but we found a few people we had seen around, and had a nice time. then we went to the bug jar and saw melissa from church, tim, and greta's friend pete. the dream team (betsy, me, greta, jenna and jessica) was back together again, and it was so much fun. we got our dance on, majorly. then on friday i went to member development day for americorps and had fun with everyone there, and got to talk with ceridwen a bit. she's awesome. friday night was game night at jenna's and we had a rocking good time. we played "a thousand white cards" and it was so hilarious. definitely a good game for our crowd. i love them the most because they are so creative, funny and comfortable in their own skin. they are my people :) afterwards betsy and i went to sean's for the 90s party and we also had a great time there. then saturday i went out late with starbucks people and we had a ridiculous time. it started with darts at the keg (embarrassing, i know) and ended drinking coffee at 3am at jason's, hanging out and playing guitar. sunday afternoon i went with betsy and charlie to the 20s/30s group outing to the bagel bin with people from my church, and had a great conversation with some people i didn't know, and then got to talk to adam, the amazing (and apparently famous) vegan animal rights activist who just screened a movie he directed in hollywood. it's about the egg and chicken industry, and it looks really incredible. i can't wait to see the screening here in rochester. the best thing is that he's coming over for dinner next sunday! i'm so excited to get a chance to talk to him more. we're going to have a vegan fondu extravaganza....sweet!!

finally, last night i went out with matt, tucker and andy and we had a great time playing darts. now granted, i went out thursday thru sunday nights straight, and that probably was not the best idea, but it was fun and made me feel so much better about finding a place among these various rochester crowds. i feel comfortable with these people, and feel affection and companionship with quite a few of them. it helps to have my "posse", charlie and betsy to discover these wonderful people. i could not have done it without them.

this is a random post, but i just had to say that i finally feel at home here (it only took four months...) and that i'm looking forward to better weather to enjoy with my friends.

time to read!

for peter

"Listening Well"

He had the gift
of stopping time
& listening well
so that it was easy
to hear who
we could become

& that was the future
he held safe
for each of us
in his great heart

you may ask, what now?
& I hope you understand
when we speak softly
among ourselves
& do not answer
just yet

for our future
is no longer the same
without him

[Brian Andreas]

"painting by chagall" - the weepies

Thunder rumbles in the distance, a quiet intensity
I am willful, your insistence is tugging at the best of me
You're the moon, I'm the water
You're Mars, calling up Neptune's daughter

Sometimes rain that's needed falls
We float like two lovers in a painting by Chagall
All around is sky and blue town
Holding these flowers for a wedding gown
We live so high above the ground, satellites surround us.

I am humbled in this city
There seems to be an endless sea of people like us
Wakeful dreamers, I pass them on the sunlit streets
In our rooms filled with laughter
We make hope from every small disaster

Everybody says "you can't, you can't, you can't, don't try."
Still everybody says that if they had the chance they'd fly like we do.

wild rivers, steep cliffs and storm clouds on the horizon

in early july, i had an itch to get back to upper relief valley. we had worked that trail up and down, from relief reservoir down at 7,000 feet all the way to the whitesides meadow junction and back. the steep climb to upper relief became routine, and i had enjoyed our daily hike through a patch of mountain sagebrush. now as we turned toward the lunch meadow trail and inched our way closer to our final camp at emigrant lake, i felt the urge to return to something familiar.

we left in a group of six, my friend grace and i the only women. our supervisor, brian, also joined us on this weekend trip. we made the easy, familiar way through hot, exposed granite stairs and cool, shaded ponderosa pine paths. john, our foreman, had described how to find an old ccc camp, down in lower relief valley near the base of granite dome, and we found it easily.

the next morning, i woke to a crisp clear sierra nevada sun. it was early, and the light was still blocked a bit by the mountains that rose up around us in all directions. checking in, i saw that i was the first one up, as usual. i grabbed my journal and my turquoise beanie and scrambled up the granite rocks near our camp to get a better view of the rising sun. i knew i had at least an hour before anyone else awoke, and so i began some sun salutations. my body was sore from a week of trail work and a fast hike with all my weekend gear, but it felt good to stretch out my tired muscles. it had been two months since i joined the crew at our strawberry camp, and i'm sure if i could have looked at myself in a proper mirror, i would have been shocked by the tanned, muscular girl in front of me. nothing can make a girl prettier than abundant sunshine, fresh mountain air and miles and miles of hiking for months on end. that morning, stretching and breathing the crisp alpine air, i felt beauty emanating from me, from the depths of my soul. it was time to write.

as often happened on our weekends, i was soon joined in my solitary morning by owen, or professor ridings as we like to call him. in fact, there were many times when i was startled by his presence; he had awoken and was meditating twenty yards from me on another rock. sometimes our eyes would meet and we would simply smile, and return to our private thoughts and meditations. this morning, he sat in silence for a long time. he had suffered and fought so much in his life; i thanked the universe that this morning he knew peace.

after a quick breakfast of oatmeal and coffee, and my failed attempts not to wake everyone else up, we all slowly made our way to the river, and those magnificent waterfalls.

the water was freezing cold. snowmelt. it fell fast over several pools that were walled in on both sides by steep rocks. we played in the crisp cool water for more than an hour, swimming under the falls and taking pictures as the water pounded down around us. it was slippery and the whole time i was there, i felt on the edge of danger...deliciously risky. life in the wilderness often feels that way. we are wild creatures in our deepest core, and survival instincts begin to show themselves in the face of wild rivers, steep cliffs and storm clouds on the horizon...

as the morning slowly crept towards noon, justin, mike, owen and i found a small plateau of brilliant white granite on which to sunbathe. i had spent so much time with these boys that i felt only a bit bashful in stripping completely and lying fully nude on the hot rocks. they did the same. we lay there for an hour, drying off and warming up after our exhilirating time in the waterfalls. sometimes the wilderness gives you too much time to think. especially on a saturday afternoon smack in the middle of a summer in the mountains, i blissfully thought about nothing. not a care in the world...

eventually our stomachs beckoned us back to camp. the boys headed down the rocks to follow the river back, but i had to cross over the falls to get my towel. i made it across the water without too much trouble, but i found myself in a tough position. the spot where i had left my things was a bit downstream, and although i had climbed down from this point, it was much more difficult to climb back up. in my sandals and underwear, i scrambled up a few rocks, grabbing roots and small cracks in the granite to help myself up. eventually though, i was almost entirely cliffhung, sliding on an angled platform. there was barely enough room for me and my sandals did me no good on the sandy rocks. precariously, my heart beating fast and thoughts of imminent death racing through my mind, i loosened my sandals and slung them around my wrist. using my bare feet for better grip i awkwardly reached for a handhold on the rocks above me. somehow, thanks to my survival insticts, i made it up to the top of the rock face, and sat panting in the hot sun. and for the second time that day, i thanked the universe for her mercy and saving grace.

gathering my things and carefully climbing the rest of the way down the granite rocks, i noticed some dark stormclouds building up. we would not escape this storm, i knew.

the rest of the afternoon was spent under a tarp, in sleeping bags, listening to music and laughing at dumb jokes and silly stories. grace, mike and i had become pretty close and we had fun waiting out the rain in our makeshift shelter. not much rain fell that evening, but by the next morning the rain was inevitable, and we wondered when we should head back to our camp.

rain fell around ten in the morning, and by noon we figured there would be no break. loading our already damp packs on our backs, we started out on the relatively short hike home. by the time we reached the stanislaus river crossing, the rain had been falling for hours, and the river had risen significantly. it was too high and too fast to cross. we waited by the river, heating some water for hot chocolate and using what dry wood we could find to make a small fire. we had no idea what to do. john had advised us to wait it out if ever we found a river too high to cross. it would be better to return late than to attempt such a dangerous crossing. but it was pointless to wait. besides, we were hungry.

at brian's suggestion, we swung on our packs and hiked back about a mile and half up the trail to a wider point in the river. it would be slower and shallower, for sure. but would that be enough for it to be safe to cross? brian, our resident "captain america", dropped his pack and inched out into the river, testing the current to decide whether we could cross. he determined it was possible, and we prepared to cross. the boys went first, with very little trouble. then it was my turn. at five foot two, the river was more than waist high on me. the boys made a sort of assembly line to pass my pack over to the other shore. we sent across grace's and brian's as well. as soon as i stepped into the swift river, my feet went out from under me. by this point i probably weighed no more than 115 pounds, and could not get a grip on the slippery rocks beneath me. brian grabbed me and tried to straighten me out, but it was hopeless. i could not get a firm stance in the river, so the men passed me down the line, gripping me by the lapels. zach yelled, half jokingly, half worriedly, for me to stand up. i laughed and looked at him hopelessly. there was no way i could. they safely passed me off until finally i reached the other shore. they saved my life. and we all were in fits of laughter. grace fared a bit better, though not much. finally we all gathered on the opposite shore, tried to dry off and then began the cross-country trip back to camp.

it was a rough hike, scrambling over rocks and slipping on slimy, mossy logs. at one point i was lost in a patch of tall bushes next to the river, stepping into deep pools and getting caught on pokey branches. we were all tired and wanted to get home, so we scattered and then got frustrated when others went in different directions. at last, we made it to the trail that would take us back to camp.

despite the danger, despite the setbacks and despite the unforgiving nature of the wilderness, we managed to live through these trials not only safely, but laughing all the way. we survived because of the intense commitment we had to each other, and because of the individual fires that burned inside each one of us. we had a personal desire to survive, and a collective desire to succeed.

i never made it all the way up to upper relief valley that weekend, nor anytime for the rest of the season for that matter, but i made peace with that reality. the first moment i had seen upper relief was etched in my brain forever, and no doubt it would never again be as beautiful. you can never go back to those moments. especially if you're looking for something that was there before. we must live each day to the fullest and take what we can from the time we have. no use looking for what was there before.