our commitment ceremony

Last Friday, Adam and I went to City Hall to sign our domestic partnership agreement. In Rochester, you can register with the city as a domestic partnership if you have lived together for at least 6 months and if you state that you are codependent physically, emotionally and financially, and that you are not married to or in partnership with another person. It's the kind of thing we can get behind, because it does not discriminate against same-sex or platonic relationships. Most people use a domestic partnership license to qualify for benefits. However, the UR does not recognize domestic partnerships as legitimate relationships for benefits, which is a whole different story. For more information specifically about the UR policy, check out this story from the City Newspaper: http://bit.ly/rBbBy6

I thought I'd celebrate our "official" registry with the city of Rochester by posting a few photos from our ceremony. It was a truly lovely day and I will be working on a story to submit to one of the major wedding blogs to do some advocacy about alternatives to marriage and how to do a ceremony that is true to your values.

It was important to us to be together before the ceremony, so we all hung out in the dressing room together

We told stories about our relationship during the ceremony...

...and I cried... :)

Creating our own ceremony took a lot of time and a lot of thought. Sharing our beliefs in front of our family felt intimate and vulnerable, but it also felt authentic, personal and liberating. We were honest about our intentions for our commitment to each other, and we established with our loved ones how we want our partnership to be treated.

Betsy, my sister, read the poem "i carry your heart" by e.e. cummings and we asked everyone to come up to leave their fingerprint on artwork created by Betsy and Jen, my sister-in-law. The artwork has the last stanza of the poem written next to the "tree of life". 

My three-month-old nephew, Luke, used his little toe! And loved it!

We sang "Feelin' Groovy" by Simon & Garfunkel and "The Rainbow Connection". Also, Charlie, my brother-in-law, played an instrumental version of "Imagine" by John Lennon for the prelude. It was important for us to have UU-like songs, but since we are not frequent church-goers, and none of our family is Unitarian Universalist, we chose songs that were well-known but that had special meaning to us for our ceremony.

We had a bike procession take us from the church to our home for the reception. I rode on Adam's Xtracycle and we enjoyed the honks and congratulations from motorists and pedestrians as we made our way home. It was really important for us to get around on bikes since we depend on them and it is a key part of our partnership. And it was super fun to get others involved in the procession. 

Adam is a graphic designer and he designed our invitations, our program and our menu for the reception. Charlie played the piano for the entire ceremony (with only days to rehearse since we decided on the songs at the last minute). Betsy and Jen created the artwork, which was really crucial to our ceremony. Our friend and fellow vegan, Wendy, took beautiful photos and spent the whole day with us. My mother cleaned our entire house, top to bottom, in preparation for our at-home reception. Jen and Stephen, my brother, helped me create the flower arrangements. Adam's parents hosted a lovely vegan barbecue at their home the night before the ceremony, giving all of us an opportunity to mingle and socialize at their beautiful home. Claire, my friend and wine go-to girl, recommended the champagne. My sister managed to get divine vegan cupcakes for us at the last minute, and our friend Matthew arranged the pick-up of all the food for the reception. At the end of the day, we were playing music, singing songs and dancing with babies, barefoot in the backyard. It was everything we wanted from a celebration, and so much more. I love reminiscing about the day and thinking about how much our community contributed to making it memorable. 

More pictures to come, if I can just get all 800 of them uploaded...

trying new things

Tonight, I discovered an adorable street in downtown Rochester, and I was so taken with it I still haven't stopped thinking about it. 

Adam stopped by his parents' house after work today to hang out with his brother. Knowing I was on my own for a few hours, I started scheming a plan to get take-out at my favorite restaurant in Rochester--Abyssinia. They have delicious Ethiopian food and I literally think about eating it every day. It takes quite a bit of willpower to wait at least a week before going there again. This evening was different, though, because I have never gotten it to go. 

My scheming made me a little nervous. I wasn't sure I had enough time to catch my bus home from downtown. That alone was almost reason enough for me to nix the plan, but as Adam wrote to me, and I thought to myself, you only live once.

So there I was, on a mid-week after work adventure, alone in my new heeled boots, feeling young, inspired and invigorated by doing something new. I got off at Main & Gibbs, a common stop for me, where I sometimes head south to Java's for a soy Kashmiri chai tea in the morning. This time, however, I had to go north, and I had never done that before! I've been to Abyssinia a dozen times, and I've been to Java's scores of times, but I had never once gone down the one block that separates the two. I was almost nervous, not sure if it might be one of those streets that suddenly turns shady and there's nothing to do but just keep going.

But oh my goodness, what a beautiful little street. Adorable, lovely, peaceful apartments, with brownstone facades, cheerful house numbers, plants in windows, and tenants passionately practicing the violin in dimly lit, second floor flats. It reminded me of an historic neighborhood in DC or a Chicago, with creaky doors, short street lamps and steep steps leading to grand public entrances to apartments. 

This evening, curiously, was almost balmy in an eerily un-December-like way. A passing rain storm left the sidewalks damp and shining, and the Christmas lights hung in trees lining the street sparkled in a cheerful, laughing way. 

My heels made a satisfying, deep thump as I made my way down this charming, almost nostalgic street. I immediately took to imagining a new life in one of the third floor flats, with the Eastman school graduate student working on her cello solo down the hall, the barista collecting her mail from the dimly lit entry way as we say good morning and I head down the street to Java's for a latte before catching my bus to work. Imagine, living a block from Abyssinia, ordering in once a week, before walking down to the symphony for a Tuesday night performance. It's even a block from the YMCA, where I could actually do some weight-lifting, swimming and running in the cold winter months. 

It's nights like these that remind me of who I am. Although it makes me painfully aware of the privilege I enjoy in my place in this world, I do truly enjoy the comfort of a coffee shop espresso, the glittering lights of the theater, the romance of a swanky downtown apartment, and the instant gratification of delicious take out. 

I stepped into an empty Abyssinia and waited a few moments for them to bring me my dinner, the lustful inspiration of this night's adventure. It was almost disappointing, only because I felt so satisfied by my discovery of this little gem called Gibbs street, I could have called it a night without the precious oil-and-spice soaked injera and lentils. 

I even had enough time to stop into Java's to buy a bag of their loose-leaf Kashmiri chai tea. I smiled at the bustle of art and music students, young talent bursting with creativity in a dark cafe, fashionable young professionals getting double espressos before the night's musical performance and moody baristas looking bored as they pull shots and artfully foam milk. "Sleigh Ride" spiritedly electrified the ambiance as we nudge closer to Christmas. And to think, I almost didn't stop for fear of missing a bus home. 

What other adventures are waiting for me to just catch the next one instead...?

whoa! dream big! part 2.

this is part 2 to a list i wrote nearly 4 years ago.

i sat in a coffee shop in tacoma in the early spring with my sister, my very best friend in the whole world, and we discussed the impending doom of college graduation. we had decisions to make, grown up ones. we were exactly the same age, but we had very different choices in front of us. while betsy sat wondering how to not make the easy choice to follow her partner wherever he went, i breathed the damp pacific air, mixed with the strong bitterness of my espresso and felt the twinge of regret that i had not been brave enough to move across the country at 18. i was jealous of my sister's laidback and yet fierce disposition, a product of spending 4 years in hippie heaven. the land where people wear chacos year round and no one uses an umbrella. we made a list of things that we wanted to do. bold things. inspired things. it was our whoa! dream big! list, and it truly led us to take bold and inspired steps towards dreams that spoke to our souls.

betsy moved to the catskills, lived alone in a cabin, and learned from a farmer named amy how to make medicine out of plants. she picked blueberries, baked pie, drank moonshine brewed by the neighbors, and fell asleep to the mooing of shaggy cows outside her door.

i spent an entire summer in the sierra mountains. i hiked to 9,000 ft, carried buckets of water from a raging river, and washed my clothes naked in the same river. i woke at sunrise, put in an honest day's work, flexed my muscles, lost weight that had been holding me back for far too long, and fell in love with the world. i saw the sun set every night from my tent, watched the moon rise over mountain lakes, and literally moved mountains to create monuments in the wilderness. i lost someone i didn't even know meant the world to me, i found the person i was always supposed to be, and it was all because of that day in the coffee shop when my sister and i decided that we were the authors of our own destiny.

it helps me to remind myself that adventures start the same way. every time. unsettled, restless frustration. searching, feeling lost, knowing that the world is out there having fun without you.

so hear is my whoa! dream big! list, part 2.

i want to...
1. become a dedicated practitioner of yoga.
2. have a job that has a direct, positive effect on people's lives. e.g. massage therapist, yoga teacher, youth leader in some sort of natural setting, city planner in charge of turning highways into bike lanes
3. become an expert gardener, growing 80%+ of the food i consume
4. live someplace where i can subsist off of the food i can grow (preferably including avocados)
5. live my life car-free
6. spend a significant part of my time in creative processes
7. travel to ancient places
8. eat a completely whole foods diet, as raw as possible
9. get a PhD in something that blows my socks off. political science mixed with feminist theory and community development, public health and philosophy and art.
10. see ani difranco in concert again. preferably with my sissy.
11. hike back through the stanislaus to see my rock wall and revisit the places that still hold pieces of my heart
12. publish a memoir
13. stay in touch with my spiritual inspiration.
14. travel around south america, without an agenda
15. read as many great books as possible
16. stay in touch with the people that brighten my life
17. focus on being positive and enjoying the small moments in life
18. be part of a movement that puts people on bikes, on foot or on buses and out of their cars
19. work in the white house
20. pay off my loans

the important thing about whoa! dream big! lists is to have things you can do right away. i'm currently working on paying off my loans, but i could do a better job of it. i also think i need to work on reading the great books and staying in touch with those who lift my spirits.

micro actions:
1. stop browsing the internet for things to buy. it really doesn't make me happier
2. spend that time reading a new book on kindle
3. start saving that money for a trip to oregon to visit betsy. i need her help with the rest of this list.

i have to remind myself that you can't meet your goals if you don't have any. so here's to having goals.

grey

i feel restless.

time moves by quickly these days, weeks melting into months and years. what started as a new adventure in a new town is now my normal life. i see the same things every day, take the same route to work or to the grocery store or out to a restaurant i've been to at least 10 times or more. i stop at a corporate coffee shop for my caffeine fix and spend my days at a computer trying to get work done so that i can browse the web for shoes or rain coats or groupons and that is fun for me.

i look at my iphone hundreds of times a day, checking facebook and tumblr and reader trying to catch what's new in people's lives...people i know and people i don't. i find the fastest route to the pet store on google maps. i listen to music that makes me bored, but reminds me of the days when i was inspired by those songs. i ignore the news when i can since i feel helpless and because it reminds me of when i used to feel empowered.

i read something on a facebook that has been on my mind so much it surprises me.

colleen patrick goudreau wrote:

"most people
                want to
make a difference, 
                          but sometimes they forget
that in order to make a difference,
                you have to
do something different."

it's easy to be complacent, and make excuses for all of the above, when you're doing a whole lot already to make a difference. i don't eat animals, and i don't drive cars. i also try to recycle and use my own grocery bags. i buy organic and local when possible. i speak up against sexism, homophobia and racism.

some people think these things are radical. maybe they are, but i have never felt like it was enough. it's literally the least i can do. it's the baseline. the minimum. the starting point. from here, i need to go somewhere. somewhere radical.

i'm old enough and wise enough to know that when i get restless, i need to keep pushing through. like pigeon pose in yoga, i need to let the yucky stuff out to start to feel liberated. i have to muse and simmer and have a few (okay, several) meltdowns to start to see the next step in this life.

some good friends have seen me through this kind of restlessness before: yoga, writing, music, and talking with my kindred spirits. i remember sitting in a coffee shop in tacoma with betsy, both of us feeling frustrated and restless about the end of college, not knowing where to go next. feeling uninspired and lost. we made a list. we called it "whoa! dream big", after the brilliant line in "juno". weeks later, i decided to fly across the country to live in the woods for five months. betsy found a farm in the catskills to work as an apprentice in medicinal herbs and picking blueberries.

yoga, writing, music, and spirits are good friends during these darker times. although these things become harder and harder to do outside of the glorious setting of academia, i will seek them out. i refuse to let go of that spark that has always moved me towards speaking my truth and taking my own path through life. it is the same spark that led me to a year in europe, to a summer in the mountains of california, and to a new life in this lovely little town i now call home.

the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey
i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my ways, 
i smoke and i drink, and every time i blink i have a tiny dream 
as bad as i am, i'm proud of the fact i am worse than i seem 
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still want more

- ani difranco


on my list, for now, is taking advantage of the groupon i bought for yoga classes, getting a massage when i come back from the dominican republic, and getting excited about christmas lights, taking the solstice off from work (finally) and welcoming the light back into my life.

and listening to lots of ani difranco. that girl's got some sense, for real.

toronto in february

so, as i mentioned earlier, i was about to brave the streets of toronto in february. i guess i should give a little bit of background.

i'm here in toronto for the annual meeting for the society for research on nicotine and tobacco (SRNT). it's for work, obviously, and it's pretty interesting because i have almost no knowledge about tobacco research, except for my own research. i pick up bits and pieces as we go along, but for the most part this is all very new to me. there have been some great sessions talking about global tobacco control interventions and research, and basically if you use the words "global", "international" or "cultural" in anything i will be interested.

i arrived in toronto on tuesday night and i'll be here until sunday. this place is pretty cool, though it reminds me of some dingier european cities that i've visited (valencia comes to mind, although they don't have the beautiful old buildings like valencia has). anyway, toronto is nice and i've had a little bit of time to explore the downtown area.

after my last post, i walked down queen's quay to jarvis where i checked out "vital planet", a health food store. from my internet searches, it seemed like it was the best in the area, but i hope that's not the case. it seems very unpopulated by food products (indicating a low turnaround on sales). the refrigerators were nearly empty (some were entirely empty!) and they only had one or two of every item. so, to say the least, it was underwhelming. i bought a box of New Moon Kitchen chocolate chip cookies, some Lara bars and a can of kombucha. pretty standard fair. i thought about buying some tofutti cream cheese and tofurkey slices, but i'm not sure what adam wants.

OH! adam is coming to visit! he will be here in a couple of hours. i'm going to meet him at the bus station and then we're getting dinner at commensal, the same place where i ate lunch on wednesday. it's right around the corner and they have a discount after 8:30 PM.

anyway, this afternoon, after i left Vital Planet, i headed over to the St. Lawrence Market, which is just down the street. at first i went to the top floor which was a BIG MISTAKE. it was filled with dead animal parts and reeked of fish. it reminded me of every market in spain, but especially (surprise surprise) valencia's. BUT THEN, i went DOWNSTAIRS, and it was like i died and went to hippie heaven. there were cute little organic shops everywhere, ethnic tapestries, ethnic foods, and other wonderful things. i found a tofu shop, and the lady gave me samples and they were so delicious! i bought a sweet and sour variety that you can just eat out of the bag. yum! i'm taking adam there tomorrow. they have tofu steaks and tofu turkeys and they're just so yummy! i also found a vegan cafe where we will probably have lunch tomorrow. very upscale (e.g. pricey) menu but the options look good.

blah blah blah. basically, i had a nice afternoon in the sunshine and i am looking forward to doing more exploring with adam, and showing him some of the things i've discovered. i have a poster session in the morning and then after that i'm free to wander for the rest of the day. can't wait!

(free) time

i was just about to write a long blog about my thoughts/fears/worries/excitement about having a commitment ceremony this year, but i looked out the window and saw that the sun is shining and it's probably incredibly warm outside, especially for toronto in february. so instead of blowing up on this blog, i'm going to air my thoughts in the streets of toronto. what about the conference, you say? i just sat through a talk where i heard "endoplasmic reticulum" and "alpha four beta 6 receptors" a few too many times. i'll go back when there are talks about "interventions" and "treatment" and "tobacco control" dominating the rhetoric. thanks for checking, though.

Vegan delicious-ness

I found a lovely little vegetarian cafe in Toronto near the Eaton Centre mall. This was my first meal in about 26 hours--I was living off of Luna bars and baby carrots during my train ride to Toronto and through the next morning of this conference.


I think the thought of finding a vegan friendly place to eat that is convenient and not too expensive in another city (and country!) is daunting for me. Especially if my primary purpose is not tourism. At the hotel where I'm staying, a serving of blueberries is $9, so I cant exactly depend on dining at the hotel. But at least I've had one good meal so far!

Cheers

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Location:Commensal, Toronto

Morning in Downtown Rochester

Love this morning sunshine.


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Location:East Avenue, 8:00 am

These are my work friends