compas

As I finished that last entry, I was thinking about the origin of the word compassion, and I was reminded of a flamenco term: compas. I didn't remember what it was, so I looked it up.

That description is perhaps a bit too technical, so let me break it down. Compas is the strict beat of flamenco music. Those who know flamenco know that it generally uses an unusual time signature, that of 6/8, somewhat like a waltz but doubled. Sometimes they do 12/8, which is like a 6/8 plus 3/4. It is beautiful and eerie and completely mesmerizing. I remember sitting in a crowded bar in Sevilla, drunk on sangria and trying to clap along to the complicated beat of compas. That beat is born into native Spaniards, but as I was a transplanted Americana, I couldn't quite figure it out. Maybe that's not a very flattering description, but believe me, it was an ethereal experience.

The point of all this is that compas is the beating heart of flamenco. Just as the heart of our existence is our compassion for others. And yet again, I am enamored with the poetry of Latin.

compassion: reprise.

December's theme at my church is, of course, Compassion. Of course, because what better time to be compassionate than the holidays, when we are compelled to reunite with family and to help those less fortunate during this time of celebration. I already wrote an entry with this theme, but I will be taking this in a different direction--or at least I think I will. It's difficult to keep from weaving the issue of mercy for animals and the generic idea of compassion, since animal rights activists and theorists view veganism and fighting for animal welfare as the most "compassionate" way of life. However, as the guiding questions explain, our church is more interested in personal compassion. The one homework assignment is as follows:

Find a way to be more compassionate with yourself. Do at least one compassionate act for yourself.

I suppose in order to allow us to dig deeper into this assignment, they include four "core" questions. These are:
1. What idol is undermining your compassion?
2. How are you called to be a person of compassion right now?
3. What were you taught about compassion while growing up?
4. What was it like to allow the whole world into your lungs?

There is more explanation for each of these included. For example, "idolatry" can mean racism, nationalism, Republicanism, consumerism, etc. And sometimes we spend a lot of time being angry about these things instead of holding people with these values with compassion. So it's more like, what is getting in the way of you treating all beings with compassion? The last question is in reference to a Loving Kindness Meditation included in our packet. This meditation is a Buddhist practice of holding individuals and the whole world in our hearts as we work to spend more of our lives regarding the world with loving-kindness. I haven't done it yet, but hopefully I'll have some time to reflect before my next Soul Matters group.

Initially, I know that this work is going to be a little hard for me, since I generally am least compassionate with myself. I tend not to forgive myself for missteps, and I allow myself to feel guilty of, unworthy of and belittled by my life's choices. It's sometimes hard to be kind to myself when all I want is to do the best I can. And when I feel like I'm not doing all I can do, I feel like a failure. Of course I've recognized this over the years, usually because my mom pointed it out, and I've worked toward forgiving myself and giving myself time and space to accomplish what I want. But in the back of my head I feel like forgiving myself is just a cop-out for not finishing what I set out to do. No matter what I do, even if I tell myself that the work I do is important, it is not enough.

There is a lot of material to read in the packet, so before I go further in my reflection, I'll read through that.

In an important related note, I've started going to yoga regularly and that is a great place for me to find out where I am punishing or pushing myself too hard. Whether mentally or physically, yoga is a space where you can't hide from yourself for long. It's better just to open your heart, mind and body and let things flow through you, rather than fight the demons. Yes, I think yoga and compassion go nicely together...

to be continued...

I got my social security card on Tuesday, at least two days before I expected it. Hooray! I went in Wednesday to get my driver's license. Except for the malfunctioning camera, I was able to get it no problem. I called the Villa's HR department to give them my new license number, triumphant.

HR called me back. They REALLY want me to work for them. Unfortunately, they've just entered a hiring freeze in the agency and can't hire anyone for at least a week or two. BLAH.

So I have to keep waiting, and keep looking, and hope that I don't have to go back to Starbucks just to make it through the holidays.

To be continued...

sweet relief.

I never ended up blogging about last Thursday, but it was the worst day I've had in a while. I got up semi-early to head out to the social security office, only to wait for two hours for them to tell me that they misplaced my new card in the mail (something about leaving the "drive" off the end of my address). That meant that they would have to RESEND my application and hopefully the card would come in 5-10 business days. I almost cried on the spot. But I didn't. I cried out on the street, while I talked to Adam on my cell phone. He gave me a little pep talk, and, encouraged by the SS clerk's suggestion to give the DMV my SS card receipt, I biked on over to the DMV downtown.

Turns out the only day they're NOT downtown is Thursdays. Of course.

I called Adam again and cried.

Then I got back on my bike and headed down South Ave to the Highland park government office, where the DMV actually was operating. There was only one other person in the room, and I felt confident that everything was going to work out. But no, she refused to take my SS card receipt, and blew me off.

I sobbed outside on the phone to Betsy. It was NOT the day to wear mascara, but I did.

So that was an epic fail if ever there was one. I biked over to Matt and Brianne's, where Adam and Matthew were shooting a Go Veg commercial. And I bought a huge order of Sesame Tofu from Ming's. And everything felt better. I met Betsy later at the Memorial Art Gallery, where we saw a really awesome exhibit called Paint Made Flesh. Then we walked over to Lento to have their Buy One, Get One free vegetarian entrees for students. Thank you, AmeriCorps. I had lentil cabbage rolls with chickpea battered pumpkin slices in a tomato and portobello sauce. And I had a yummy cocktail called The Tell-Tale Heart, made with apple cider, gin and crushed cranberries. It was the perfect ending to an awful day.

And guess what?

I called the Villa's HR office today, and Amy told me that there's no rush, just to call her as soon as I have my new license number and they'll bring me in for hiring.

Hallelujah!

So, I have a job, and although I won't start getting a paycheck for a while, I can relax and really enjoy my knitting, reading and cooking that I've been doing during this interim.

I don't know why it seems that bureaucracy has it in for me, but I'm glad that I'm never completely screwed over. Just inconvenienced, frustrated and delayed because of the government's red tape.

(On a slightly political note, Adam and I were discussing how demeaning it is to have to jump through so many hoops to prove that we are full citizens of this country. How many proofs do we need? Birth certificate, Social Security card, Passport, Driver's License, etc. And which of those is least important? The little blue paper card that ONLY has a number, one that is easily memorized, and easily stolen. And how expensive ARE all of these documents? Very. Especially when they have to be renewed or replaced. I feel so much for those who don't have the money to prove their documentation, and those that are treated as less human because they can't prove their identity. No wonder we feel so lost in this world. Our identities depend on little cards and pieces of papers and photographs and numbers.)

conundrum.

So, I have applied, interviewed, and been considered for a job at an agency called St. Joseph's Villa. It's a good position with a good agency with good benefits. Good deal.

Here's my conundrum. I need a "valid NYS driver's license" in order to proceed to hiring. I never got around to getting a new license until I applied for this job. But in order to get a new license, I need my social security card, which I've misplaced. Turns out living in 8 cities, 3 states, and 2 countries in 5 years can make it difficult to keep everything together. So I immediately applied for my SS card, which has yet to arrive. I called SSA, and they said that I should have already received my card, so I could go in to the office and see if they'll reissue one to me. Then I can go to the DMV, get a new license, and start working again.

EXCEPT, tomorrow is f-ing Veteran's Day. The most random of all government holidays. Both the SSA office AND the DMV will be closed tomorrow. So at the very earliest, I could get my new license Thursday. Which means I probably couldn't get in for hiring until next week. And they're already annoyed that I haven't gotten them my new license number.

epic fail.