i never realized how much i love the phrase "spur of the moment." or rather, i never noticed that there ever was anything to love about it. but what is the "spur" of a moment? according to the dictionary online, a spur could be something that serves as a "goad" or "incentive." that's the closest definition i could find. so if i bought something spur of the moment, what would that mean? that i justified it based on its current incentives, what i thought valuable about it in the present moment? maybe.
or, you could picture turning on your spurs, or spurring your horse faster. the "spur of the moment."
i'm starting to kill the phrase in my head (you know how they cease to have the same connections once you say it over and over or ponder the meaning too long? yeah, i'm getting there...) but i'll end on one last intuition. because that's how i understand words...i intuate (i made that up) their meaning based on their context.
i thought that spur might mean "cusp," like the edge of a moment. maybe, there was a split second bunched up in the multitude of inter-moment spaces in which you decided you were going to do something. you were standing on a precipice, and, spur of the moment, you decided to go for it.
whew. pretty powerful.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
winter hours
i'm finishing up mary oliver's "winter hours", a book of prose, prose poetry, and poetry. it's lovely. and i had to put this excerpt in here:
"morning, for me, is the time of best work. my conscious thought sings like a bird in a cage, but the rest of me is singing too, like a bird in the wind. perhaps something is still strong in us in the morning, the part that is untamable, that dreams willfully and crazily, that knows reason is no more than an island within us."
p. 98.
"morning, for me, is the time of best work. my conscious thought sings like a bird in a cage, but the rest of me is singing too, like a bird in the wind. perhaps something is still strong in us in the morning, the part that is untamable, that dreams willfully and crazily, that knows reason is no more than an island within us."
p. 98.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
grace.
i have stood in front of impressive cathedrals, awe-inspiring paintings and gigantic skyscrapers.
but nothing will ever compare to the moment i stood in front of a three thousand year old juniper tree, and watched birds flit from branch to ancient branch. when will we ever learn that the only true beauty in this world is a gift of grace, something we don't deserve or expect? it is an ancient conifer, a weather-worn mountain peak and an anthill. it is nothing we can create. it is nothing we can imitate. we can only stand in the presence of grace and soak it up like light from the sun. isn't light the ultimate gift of grace, anyway?
but nothing will ever compare to the moment i stood in front of a three thousand year old juniper tree, and watched birds flit from branch to ancient branch. when will we ever learn that the only true beauty in this world is a gift of grace, something we don't deserve or expect? it is an ancient conifer, a weather-worn mountain peak and an anthill. it is nothing we can create. it is nothing we can imitate. we can only stand in the presence of grace and soak it up like light from the sun. isn't light the ultimate gift of grace, anyway?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
por un razon u otra, he pensado mucho estos dias en cuanto echo de menos hablar en espanol. es horrible. ayer, escribi a cinco o seis personas en espanol, para practicar. sin embargo, no es solamente para practicar. es un impulso, como algo necesario. no puedo continuar con el tiempo pasando sin hablar en espanol. ves q apenas perdi nada despues de mas de dos anos fuera de espana.
asi que, escribo en espanol aqui. de vez en cuando. no siempre, pero me siento contento tener este recurso para practicar y satisfecer el impulso de hablar en espanol.
ayer escribia con yotzin por email, y hemos decidido intentar quedar por skype para platicar. me gustaria hablar por un tiempo extendido, aunque deberiamos hacer un "intercambio" asi que durante un parte debemos hablar en ingles. aunque el ensena ingles en la uni, asi q tiene mucha practica. whatever :) seria bueno para nosotr@s dos.
tengo hambre. ves que no puedo soportar escribir tanto en espanol. pero mejorare :) desayuno, y tal vez vuelvo a hablar en espanol.
asi que, escribo en espanol aqui. de vez en cuando. no siempre, pero me siento contento tener este recurso para practicar y satisfecer el impulso de hablar en espanol.
ayer escribia con yotzin por email, y hemos decidido intentar quedar por skype para platicar. me gustaria hablar por un tiempo extendido, aunque deberiamos hacer un "intercambio" asi que durante un parte debemos hablar en ingles. aunque el ensena ingles en la uni, asi q tiene mucha practica. whatever :) seria bueno para nosotr@s dos.
tengo hambre. ves que no puedo soportar escribir tanto en espanol. pero mejorare :) desayuno, y tal vez vuelvo a hablar en espanol.
Friday, January 16, 2009
"half acre" by hem
half acre on youtube...to listen while you read...
i am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
and folded in this scrap of paper
is a land i grew in
think of every town you've lived in
every room you lay your head
and what is it that you remember?
do you carry every sadness with you
every hour your heart was broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with you
a man is walking on the highway
a woman stares out at the sea
and light is only now just breaking
so we carry every sadness with us
every hour our hearts were broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with us
but i am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
i am carrying this scrap of paper
that can crack the darkest sky wide open
every burden taken from me
every night my heart unfolding
my home
i am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
and folded in this scrap of paper
is a land i grew in
think of every town you've lived in
every room you lay your head
and what is it that you remember?
do you carry every sadness with you
every hour your heart was broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with you
a man is walking on the highway
a woman stares out at the sea
and light is only now just breaking
so we carry every sadness with us
every hour our hearts were broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with us
but i am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
i am carrying this scrap of paper
that can crack the darkest sky wide open
every burden taken from me
every night my heart unfolding
my home
rant from the wilderness
ben evans, fellow americorps volunteer and occasional email correspondent, asked me recently to rant about the wilderness. i mentioned that ed abbey in desert solitaire does just that, and he was interested in knowing more about it. what follows is a flow of consciousness that i wrote in a cafe, tweaked out on caffeine and with a few precious hours to kill in between jobs. some of it is based on, or, let's be honest, flat out stolen from the pages of, ed abbey's most beloved memoir. a bit comes from my other dear mentor and favorite agricultural essayist, wendell berry. some of it is from my personal experiences living in total wilderness for 11 weeks straight. some of it comes from my imagination....
ed abbey says "they" are pushing us into the cities to prepare for the imminent authoritarian regime. "they" will trap us in the cities, surround us, mechanize our agriculture, take away our guns and make it impossible for us to survive without complete submission to the government. no more guerrilla warfare, for there will be no more jungle in which to stage a rebellion and to hide from our enemy: the industrial authoritarian. but we've arrived at this point and don't even realize it. we can't grow our own food, we are flooding the cities and cannot fathom wilderness survival (that is the stuff of experts seen on the discovery channel, certainly not your everyday joe). industry has the ultimate authority over our entire existence and we are listfully passive about all of this.
some things i have learned:
1. any person can build a fire that is capable of cooking food...even meat.
2. with the right equipment and in moderate climates, any person can survive entirely outdoors.
3. it takes a surprisingly short amount of time to get in tune with nature and to sense changes in the weather and seasons.
4. showers, and especially soap, are entirely overrated.
5. when left without cds, mp3s, i-pods, computers, and other sound devices, humans will make their own music.
6. community agriculture is one of the most rewarding and unifying social endeavor. so are community cooking and community eating.
7. nudity is not shameful.
8. obesity would cease to exist if cars did too.
9. children should absolutely participate in subsistance farming and all household chores. that is not child labor, it's socialization.
10. we all deserve to see the sun rise or set, or both, every day.
while we're at it, i might well describe the problem i have with the word "wilderness," which implicitly separates itself from civilization. we know the word to mean "that which is untouched by humanity." therefore, it is not our place. how are we to feel at home in a world that is expressly scary and unknown? better to stay in the safety of our industrial cities, where we have "reliable" water, heating, and food supplies. who wants to risk bears and unexpected thunderstorms, drought and black flies??
the natural world must be revindicated by humanity, but not in the traditional, patriarchal, dominating way. it must not be conquered, partitioned and lorded over. we must humbly return, ask for forgiveness, and listen to the heart of nature to begin again. we must sit quietly for a long time among cedars and does and ground squirrels and yarrow, and learn from them how to behave.
i am disgusted by industry, manufactured materials and "good deal" (the-cheaper-the-better concept). we are poisoning ourselves with our cut-corners and our mindless complicity. we don't care where our food comes from as long as it is cheap. we don't want to pay for the hidden costs in this global economy, and yet we feel betrayed by those who drove us into our impending depression. we don't want to earn anything, we want everything for less, and the less time anything takes, the better. so that we have time for celebrity gossip, self-absorbed primping internet comas, sport stats and one more beer, bartender.
numb the pain, nurse the wound, alienate others, forget about that earth-shaped hole in your heart (an earth-shaped hole in the universe). and whatever you do, don't got out alone at night. bad things might happen to you...
a few times this summer, i had the chance to bathe alone at sunset. most days i did it in the afternoon after work with some of my crew, sometimes naked but most often with underwear. but those few times at sunset, the water was warm on my bare skin and the sky was pink beyond the mountains in the west. silence surrounded me as i slipped quietly into the blue water. there was only me in all creation, performing ablutions, a sacred cleansing ceremony, among my friends the junipers and ponderosa pines.
i was not lonely. i was not hurting. i was at peace with my body, at peace in my mind, heart and infinite spirit. i felt whole and healed by the simple act of washing myself clean after a hard day's work. the water cradled me in the womb of Mother Earth, and i floated in the stillness of that infinite moment. back in the womb of my Mother, safe and warm and complete.
in the city, the pavement is hard and cold under my feet. i can feel the heartache of industrialism through the sole of my hiking boots. i feel strange wearing them in this urban setting, soiling them after hiking hundreds of miles in them on backcountry trails. cars with their cold, hard, steel shells separate me from every human in view. they whiz by, hardly noticing me and my hiking boots, and all the others around them. we do not acknowledge our kindred, earthly connection. we are estranged or long-lost and never-found sisters and brothers, unaware or indifferent to our universal familial bond. we are afraid of contrived dangers and insecurities, an alleged failing economy and increasing risks of terrorist attacks, and yet we have created these scary scenarios through our own capitalism and nationalism (love of money and love of boundaries, respectively. both divide and neither unites). we choose to believe the illusion of business and individualism instead of the universal truths of cooperation and community. the city is a giant corpse still pumping oil through its disintegrating heart and is falsely dictated by a mechanical, money-hungry brain.
our souls are hiding in the trees, waiting for us to retrieve and restore them. we have only to look in earnest, and the world will reveal itself to us. and we will hear the music to which we have been deaf all these years, the music that resounds through our liberated, naked bodies when we commune with the wild. one day, we will come home.
i'll end with a nice excerpt from desert solitaire, one of many brilliant and inspirational passages in his beautiful book:
"rant from the wilderness"
ed abbey says "they" are pushing us into the cities to prepare for the imminent authoritarian regime. "they" will trap us in the cities, surround us, mechanize our agriculture, take away our guns and make it impossible for us to survive without complete submission to the government. no more guerrilla warfare, for there will be no more jungle in which to stage a rebellion and to hide from our enemy: the industrial authoritarian. but we've arrived at this point and don't even realize it. we can't grow our own food, we are flooding the cities and cannot fathom wilderness survival (that is the stuff of experts seen on the discovery channel, certainly not your everyday joe). industry has the ultimate authority over our entire existence and we are listfully passive about all of this.
some things i have learned:
1. any person can build a fire that is capable of cooking food...even meat.
2. with the right equipment and in moderate climates, any person can survive entirely outdoors.
3. it takes a surprisingly short amount of time to get in tune with nature and to sense changes in the weather and seasons.
4. showers, and especially soap, are entirely overrated.
5. when left without cds, mp3s, i-pods, computers, and other sound devices, humans will make their own music.
6. community agriculture is one of the most rewarding and unifying social endeavor. so are community cooking and community eating.
7. nudity is not shameful.
8. obesity would cease to exist if cars did too.
9. children should absolutely participate in subsistance farming and all household chores. that is not child labor, it's socialization.
10. we all deserve to see the sun rise or set, or both, every day.
while we're at it, i might well describe the problem i have with the word "wilderness," which implicitly separates itself from civilization. we know the word to mean "that which is untouched by humanity." therefore, it is not our place. how are we to feel at home in a world that is expressly scary and unknown? better to stay in the safety of our industrial cities, where we have "reliable" water, heating, and food supplies. who wants to risk bears and unexpected thunderstorms, drought and black flies??
the natural world must be revindicated by humanity, but not in the traditional, patriarchal, dominating way. it must not be conquered, partitioned and lorded over. we must humbly return, ask for forgiveness, and listen to the heart of nature to begin again. we must sit quietly for a long time among cedars and does and ground squirrels and yarrow, and learn from them how to behave.
i am disgusted by industry, manufactured materials and "good deal" (the-cheaper-the-better concept). we are poisoning ourselves with our cut-corners and our mindless complicity. we don't care where our food comes from as long as it is cheap. we don't want to pay for the hidden costs in this global economy, and yet we feel betrayed by those who drove us into our impending depression. we don't want to earn anything, we want everything for less, and the less time anything takes, the better. so that we have time for celebrity gossip, self-absorbed primping internet comas, sport stats and one more beer, bartender.
numb the pain, nurse the wound, alienate others, forget about that earth-shaped hole in your heart (an earth-shaped hole in the universe). and whatever you do, don't got out alone at night. bad things might happen to you...
a few times this summer, i had the chance to bathe alone at sunset. most days i did it in the afternoon after work with some of my crew, sometimes naked but most often with underwear. but those few times at sunset, the water was warm on my bare skin and the sky was pink beyond the mountains in the west. silence surrounded me as i slipped quietly into the blue water. there was only me in all creation, performing ablutions, a sacred cleansing ceremony, among my friends the junipers and ponderosa pines.
i was not lonely. i was not hurting. i was at peace with my body, at peace in my mind, heart and infinite spirit. i felt whole and healed by the simple act of washing myself clean after a hard day's work. the water cradled me in the womb of Mother Earth, and i floated in the stillness of that infinite moment. back in the womb of my Mother, safe and warm and complete.
in the city, the pavement is hard and cold under my feet. i can feel the heartache of industrialism through the sole of my hiking boots. i feel strange wearing them in this urban setting, soiling them after hiking hundreds of miles in them on backcountry trails. cars with their cold, hard, steel shells separate me from every human in view. they whiz by, hardly noticing me and my hiking boots, and all the others around them. we do not acknowledge our kindred, earthly connection. we are estranged or long-lost and never-found sisters and brothers, unaware or indifferent to our universal familial bond. we are afraid of contrived dangers and insecurities, an alleged failing economy and increasing risks of terrorist attacks, and yet we have created these scary scenarios through our own capitalism and nationalism (love of money and love of boundaries, respectively. both divide and neither unites). we choose to believe the illusion of business and individualism instead of the universal truths of cooperation and community. the city is a giant corpse still pumping oil through its disintegrating heart and is falsely dictated by a mechanical, money-hungry brain.
our souls are hiding in the trees, waiting for us to retrieve and restore them. we have only to look in earnest, and the world will reveal itself to us. and we will hear the music to which we have been deaf all these years, the music that resounds through our liberated, naked bodies when we commune with the wild. one day, we will come home.
i'll end with a nice excerpt from desert solitaire, one of many brilliant and inspirational passages in his beautiful book:
"we are obliged, therefore, to spread the news,
painful and bitter though it may be for some people to hear,
that all living things on earth are kindred."
painful and bitter though it may be for some people to hear,
that all living things on earth are kindred."
Monday, January 12, 2009
authenticity.
it is hard to be authentic when those who remind you who you are live thousands of miles away. those that keep you grounded and humble don't see you every day. it is hard to not want to recreate yourself in front of new people who could be impressed by your first impression. how do you prevent yourself from letting go of those deep roots for something more liberating, something more exhilarating? something that...isn't you?
such is the plight of a 20-something in a new city post-graduation working for two drastically different employers. starbucks and americorps. what a freaking dichotomy. i guess you could say i am confused. i spend the morning making triple venti non-fat extra hot lattes for soccer moms and executives with blue-rays in their ears, and then do my best to figure out how to get one of my teens to go to school every day. who barely have enough money to buy ramen noodles for dinner.
so the people i work with, naturally, have their disparities as well. i try my best not to get sucked into the corporate b.s. and the co-worker drama that rampages through our store, and yet it's nearly as addicting as celebrity gossip. or $4 lattes. whereas greta, my coworker at teen city, has me all wriled up at school counselors who don't do shit for their students or parents who allow their kids to stay at home to clean house rather than go to school. while we try to convince another teen that he should quit smoking. on days when i work both jobs, i'm more confused than exhausted.
there are a few things i think is wrong with this world. one of them happens to appear exclusively on E! entertainment. obsession with youth and beauty and weight and celebrity; while teens starve themselves, or binge, cut, purge and HATE what they see in the mirror. an idea that money is happiness, that YOU TOO can look like a star if you just drop your next two paychecks on some lipo and acrylics. people will notice you if you have a fast car and a big house and big boobs and a big freaking latte. then, you will be worth something.
the teens at my site sit in a circle and text each other. they text people who aren't there. they show each other past text conversations. all the while listening to some random punk band on their i-pod shuffle. well, some of them do. the others couldn't possibly afford all that. but some of them still manage to have D.S's. they all play rock band and guitar hero. when i asked our 11-year-olds what was the best part of their winter break, they ALL, every single one of them, mentioned a game system or electronic that they received as a present. what. the. hell. are we teaching these children???
people in americorps are starting a book group, and our first book is called "the last child in the woods". supposedly it is about children losing their connection with the outdoors. after spending an entire summer out of doors, i'm excited to know what this book has to say. my initial thoughts, based on my experiences, are that youth are losing all ability to socialize. authentically. they cannot possibly know how to talk to one another--to truly communicate--when 50% of their "conversations" are texts. apparently, one of my teens is dating someone that he has only texted--they've never met face-to-face. how does that even constitute as a relationship?
i have a lot against which to rant. but mostly, i wish that kids could be outdoors laughing and interacting, instead of being given electronics that inhibit socialization and real mental stimulation. and that lack anything remotely close to physical activity. nothing in these teens' lives encourages them to be authentic. they can be whoever they want to be in a text. they can be perverted or sarcastic and as "bold" as they wish, because they are only superficially held accountable for their "words". and lacking any sort of relationship-building interactions, they can remain detached and unaffected by the people around them. we are creating an entire generation of bubble-children.
i sometimes wonder how it is that i can spend so much time mindlessly on facebook. how i can waste 20 minutes just flipping through profiles or looking at what someone wrote to someone else. it's absurd. i wonder how i let myself settle for such mundane mental activities. more and more i am reading and knitting and writing to use my brain more often. to demand more from it. but there is so much waste. and i am so easily unentertained. when did i begin to expect less from activities that were supposed to entertain me? how did i let the bar go so low? when will we see how detrimental this internet-coma is to our society?
this only scratches the surface of my worries for this next generation, and for our world as a whole.
such is the plight of a 20-something in a new city post-graduation working for two drastically different employers. starbucks and americorps. what a freaking dichotomy. i guess you could say i am confused. i spend the morning making triple venti non-fat extra hot lattes for soccer moms and executives with blue-rays in their ears, and then do my best to figure out how to get one of my teens to go to school every day. who barely have enough money to buy ramen noodles for dinner.
so the people i work with, naturally, have their disparities as well. i try my best not to get sucked into the corporate b.s. and the co-worker drama that rampages through our store, and yet it's nearly as addicting as celebrity gossip. or $4 lattes. whereas greta, my coworker at teen city, has me all wriled up at school counselors who don't do shit for their students or parents who allow their kids to stay at home to clean house rather than go to school. while we try to convince another teen that he should quit smoking. on days when i work both jobs, i'm more confused than exhausted.
there are a few things i think is wrong with this world. one of them happens to appear exclusively on E! entertainment. obsession with youth and beauty and weight and celebrity; while teens starve themselves, or binge, cut, purge and HATE what they see in the mirror. an idea that money is happiness, that YOU TOO can look like a star if you just drop your next two paychecks on some lipo and acrylics. people will notice you if you have a fast car and a big house and big boobs and a big freaking latte. then, you will be worth something.
the teens at my site sit in a circle and text each other. they text people who aren't there. they show each other past text conversations. all the while listening to some random punk band on their i-pod shuffle. well, some of them do. the others couldn't possibly afford all that. but some of them still manage to have D.S's. they all play rock band and guitar hero. when i asked our 11-year-olds what was the best part of their winter break, they ALL, every single one of them, mentioned a game system or electronic that they received as a present. what. the. hell. are we teaching these children???
people in americorps are starting a book group, and our first book is called "the last child in the woods". supposedly it is about children losing their connection with the outdoors. after spending an entire summer out of doors, i'm excited to know what this book has to say. my initial thoughts, based on my experiences, are that youth are losing all ability to socialize. authentically. they cannot possibly know how to talk to one another--to truly communicate--when 50% of their "conversations" are texts. apparently, one of my teens is dating someone that he has only texted--they've never met face-to-face. how does that even constitute as a relationship?
i have a lot against which to rant. but mostly, i wish that kids could be outdoors laughing and interacting, instead of being given electronics that inhibit socialization and real mental stimulation. and that lack anything remotely close to physical activity. nothing in these teens' lives encourages them to be authentic. they can be whoever they want to be in a text. they can be perverted or sarcastic and as "bold" as they wish, because they are only superficially held accountable for their "words". and lacking any sort of relationship-building interactions, they can remain detached and unaffected by the people around them. we are creating an entire generation of bubble-children.
i sometimes wonder how it is that i can spend so much time mindlessly on facebook. how i can waste 20 minutes just flipping through profiles or looking at what someone wrote to someone else. it's absurd. i wonder how i let myself settle for such mundane mental activities. more and more i am reading and knitting and writing to use my brain more often. to demand more from it. but there is so much waste. and i am so easily unentertained. when did i begin to expect less from activities that were supposed to entertain me? how did i let the bar go so low? when will we see how detrimental this internet-coma is to our society?
this only scratches the surface of my worries for this next generation, and for our world as a whole.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
what can i say? i listen to zoe's recommendations :) she told me (indirectly) that she likes "blogger" better for blogging (say that ten times fast) so i decided i'd try it out. i need a new venue for my creative writing and more formal essaying. i will attempt to edit these entries more completely so that i have more than just streaming thoughts spilling over onto the keyboard. hopefully i'll eliminate typos. but i probably won't write using caps...not quite ready for that...
right now, though, i'm off to the rochester public market. hopefully our cheese and milk guy is there today.
ahhh. i must say it feels kind of nice to start fresh with a new blog :)
right now, though, i'm off to the rochester public market. hopefully our cheese and milk guy is there today.
ahhh. i must say it feels kind of nice to start fresh with a new blog :)
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