Report from the Dominican Republic

Well, I'm here in the DR, having just returned from a border city near Haiti, and I can say that this is not exactly what I expected. We are spending the night in a hotel in San Juan, which is a larger city in the south, and when we first stayed here Sunday I thought that it was a little dingy. Now, having returned from Banica, it feels like a palace! We have a shower that is clean and has warm water. We have a bathroom with a toilet seat and flushing capabilities. We have air conditioning and electricity--we even have internet! Where we stayed last night, there were windows with no screens, extremely dirty floors, a disgusting bathroom with a huge spider, tons of noise all around and electricity only from 1am to 3am. A bat was stuck in my room last night so I had to sleep on the couch in the living room. It was incredibly hot and humid but I was so nervous about the mosquitos that I slept under a sheet. It was the longest night of my life. And there was a long cat fight that took place near our apartment that sounded not of this earth. So freaking bizarre. Roosters crowing at all hours, dogs barking, music blaring, etc etc etc. The woman who is leading our group, who has done plenty of field work in Costa Rica, Tibet, and even the DR said that she usually prides herself in her ability to survive any field conditions but that this experience has broken her. I honestly think we could have managed, but it's much better to be here tonight. I wouldn't have showered for 3 days and I don't have anything else to read to pass the time until I pass out...

Our work is going okay, except for the weird encounters we've had with people who are providing services. I feel a bit annoyed because there doesn't seem to be a problem with smoking in Banica. There are a few people who do, but it seems like a lot of effort to do all this work for a handful of people who still smoke. I guess I see the value in creating an entirely smoke-free community, but I don't know how sustainable that is.

My biggest question is: What do people do all day? I saw people (not just in Banica, but all over the country) sitting outside all day long, not doing a thing. Barely talking, not occupying themselves with any activity. Some people obviously work, but most seem to be lounging around all day. It's just a strange sight.

The whole vegan thing has been interesting. The woman who cooked for us seemed to understand what I could not eat, and I don't think I was unknowingly fed anything not-vegan, but she was super suspicious of me. She kept saying she didn't know what I eat if I don't eat meat, eggs, cheese, milk, etc. I explained to my teammates that where I live there is "cheese", "milk" and "meat" that I can eat that don't come from animals, and one of my teammates said that he knows a woman who is vegetarian and she makes something that tastes exactly like meat, and is very tasty. It was nice to hear that, and I was very happy to find chocolate Silk and soya chunks at the regular supermarket. I'm not quite sure how things will go in the other community, but I still have plenty of Luna bars and Vega shake mix if I need them. At this point, I could probably use some green pea powder... :)

Thankfully I have not gotten sick and I have been able to survive the heat, seemingly better than other teammates. I sweat all day long but it doesn't quite bother me. I think it's because of my time in the backcountry. And maybe all the Power yoga that I've done. I'm used to being sweaty, I suppose!

That's all for now. We'll see how the rest of the week goes. I miss my Adam and I already have work emergencies not related to the project that I need to take care of. What a challenge this kind of international project is. Don't tell anyone, but I've already considered quitting! But not seriously, of course. But I'm not that excited to do this kind of field work again. At least on such a tight budget.

I should just mention that I really love my teammates. They are so supportive and have so much knowledge and how-to about this country. I don't know what we would do without them. Yamel is hilarious. Jairo is very kind and friendly, and Arisleyda is great in a crisis. She's also friendly and compassionate. I love her.

Okay, now I'm really done. Time to shower. Love to all!

Burrito Salad

Last night, Adam and I had a very late dinner that I'm calling the Burrito Salad. We had lots of greens, so we started with those on a big plate. I reheated some white rice leftover from takeout, and mixed in chopped cilantro and lime juice. I also reheated some refried black beans. We chopped up some cherry tomatoes for garnish, and piled everything on top of the lettuce, with salsa and sliced avocado on top. It was delicious, and, as Adam said, if you ate that meal every day of your life (maybe mixing in some kale) you would live to be 5 billion years old. The truth is, all of this is incredibly good for you, and the only fat is in the avocado and beans. I might try some brown rice and still eat blueberries from time to time, but this is a good recipe to guide you through a long, healthy life. And one that won't make you feel guilty for eating dinner at 10:00 PM.

Sesame Cashew Noodles

I'm trying out this recipe for a picnic potluck this afternoon. I may toss in some fried tofu. I used Sriracha sauce instead of chili flakes.

23 things I love about my birthday

1. Sharing it with my wombmate
2. 7/23 is a beautiful number, isn't it? :)
3. Chicory
4. Queen Anne's Lace
5. Blueberries
6. Peaches
7. Plums
8. Eggplant (Emily Eggplant!)
9. Summer storms
10. Cool lake breezes in the morning
11. Full farmers markets
12. Fireflies
13. Summer concerts
14. Freckles
15. Heat lightning
16. Patio dinners
17. Sunflowers
18. Vacations
19. Iced tea
20. Vegging out in cool places
21. Sundresses
22. Homemade pies
23. Beach weather on the Great Lakes (a rare sight!)

BIRTHDAY!

Well, all I can say is that life continues to get better the older I get. At 25, I am blessed to be as active and energetic as I've ever been, and significantly wiser about the world. Mostly, I'm happier. For a long time I thought it was better to be brooding and unhappy but thankfully I've grown out of that phase. Having a cheerful, fun-loving and compassionate partner makes being happy a breeze.

So, I had a wonderful birthday spent with family. My mom is in town and Betsy, Charlie, Adam, Mom, Chuck and Ryan and I had dinner at a new pizzeria. They graciously let Adam and me bring our own vegan cheese to the restaurant to put on our pizza. It was a little dry and could have used more flavor, but I'll definitely try it again. The day was full of downpours and thunder, but it cleared up in the evening and we had a lovely dinner out on the patio between Boulder and the pizzeria. Complete with a pretty sky.

We came back to our house for cupcakes and presents. I made coconut cupcakes with chocolate coconut frosting....yum! The presents were very nice and it was so good to spend time with my family. Adam got us a cooler to transport all of our vegan treats (vegenaise, margarine, tofu, soy milk, etc.) when we travel, and he made me the best gift ever! We're biking to his family's vacation cottage on Keuka Lake next weekend, and he designed and printed beautiful vouchers for an overnight in Geneva and a shopping spree at Geneva's health food store. We're going to bike to Geneva after work on Friday, spend the night at a hotel, and then go shopping for our food needs before biking another hour to Keuka. How fabulous! He also got me a lovely brown frock which I really love. Perfect for work, and especially for biking to work! Awesome!

So here's to another year older, another year to continue growing, to keep on adventuring, and keep on loving.

10 travel tips

I have the magnificent good fortune to have a job that requires occasional travel to the Caribbean. Although this has created a good bit of stress for me, it is also an incredible experience that allows me to enjoy my wanderlust while maintaining a (fabulous) relationship with my Adam. I leave for my first trip to the Dominican Republic in less than 2 weeks, so for me, that means I'm starting to pack.

Having spent months living in the woods of California and carrying all of my belongings on my back, I'm aware of what it means to travel light. I have spent a good deal of money on gear that is meant to make travel easier, and I'm lucky that I have plenty of skills and knowledge about packing to be prepared.

Some new things that make me a bit worried: contaminated water, malaria and dengue carrying mosquitoes and the threat of hurricanes and flooding. Of course, we had to filter all of our water in California, but we didn't have to worry about fresh fruits and veggies. We also had the pleasant experience of being eaten alive by mosquitoes (we went over Mosquito Pass several times that summer). Only once have I experienced the rains that come with hurricane season, my second time in Puerto Rico. But all of those things together create a new situation for me. I'm also slightly nervous about being vegan in very rural communities. Should make for an interesting challenge. I'm bringing luna bars and nutritional shakes, so I shouldn't be deprived.

Some things I'm thinking about as I pack:
1. It's going to be wet. No doubt about it. That means everything, especially my underwear, goes in ziplock bags. In addition to keeping things dry, they also make packing much easier. Decompress the air and the bags slip in nicely. We'll have vehicles to keep our belongings dry, but it's just good to be on the safe side. I'm also bringing a lightweight rain jacket and pants. My sandals will be fine, since it will be hot. If it were cold I'd bring waterproof boots, but I'm not concerned for this trip.
2. It's going to be hot. We've been getting humid 90+ degree days, but it could be hotter in the DR. I'm happier if I have fresh clothes to change into, but I need to limit space. That means I'm bringing quick drying materials that will allow me to use two outfits, one to wash and one to wear. This also helps because I have to spray my clothes with insect repellent, but there's only enough spray for about 3 outfits. The spray lasts through several washes. I should be just fine.
3. I will need field work clothing and resort clothing. We're doing a two day training at the resort, then field work for a week, and then 4 more days at the resort. I need versatile clothes that will be appropriate for a more professional setting as well as doing informal interviews in poor communities. That means one or two dresses/skirts for the resort, and a few pants/long shorts that will keep me protected from mosquitoes, and not too hot, while maintaining a modest appearance.
4. I need space for lots of supplies. That means I'm being skimpy with my personal items. I'll bring a small bottle of liquid castile soap (for body, face and hair) and my creme leave-in conditioner will work as a hair product to tame my curls. Toothbrush, toothpaste, FLOSS!, sunscreen, insect repellent and deodorant will be about all that I need. I will probably also bring a small bottle of water and about 10 drops of tea tree oil. I use it on blemishes and cuts as an anti-bacterial solution. It also smells good! Tea tree is  AMAZING for foot funk, if you're hiking a lot. Soak your feet in water and epsom salts and mix in some tea tree. Foot funk be-gone!
5. I'm probably going to get sick. I'm going to take anti-malarial medication (chloroquine) and I've been vaccinated for Typhoid, tetanus, Hep A and B, and all the other required vaccines. But I nearly always have stomach issues when I travel. We got a zpack prescription, but I'm also bringing Immodium and chewable fiber tablets. A coworker who traveled to Africa said she had anticipated diarrhea, but not constipation. Hence, the fiber. I'll also bring plenty of ibuprofen since I'm prone to sun headaches and I'll bring some 24-hour allergy pills. We're supplying first aid kits for all of our teams, so other items will be included in that.
6. On a long trip, I'm going to want to look pretty occasionally. That means I might bring mascara, concealer and my perfume stick. I use a great roll-on perfume oil that I can find at most food co-ops and other hippie shops. I use "Egyptian Goddess" but there are other nice scents, like Vanilla and Patchouli. I may also bring some jewelry, because it's a big part of how I express myself. I notice that I can sometimes lose touch with my Emily-ness when I travel, and it's nice to have a pair of earrings and a necklace that feel like "me". I think of it like a talisman of sorts, protecting me from getting lost in this wild world.
7. Comfort is key. Therefore, I'm bringing only comfortable shoes, clothes that I like wearing and some creature comforts like an i-pod and a good book. Comfort for me also means a good pair of sunglasses and lots of clean underwear.
8. Nothing goes as planned. That's why I like to be prepared for any situation. We might end up in the middle of a tropical storm or someone might get seriously hurt. No matter where I go, I bring some rope, my pocket knife and extra underwear (how many times has that come up now?). Some people are resourceful, but the key to that is resources. You can't use it if you don't have it. My time in the wilderness made me aware of how much we depend on Nature's mercy, and I don't take for granted that we are all still alive today because of the survival skills and instincts we depend on daily. This sounds very morbid, but I just think it's practical to think about ways that I could be more prepared in scary situations.
9. Routine is important. I am horrible at this one. When I travel, I get wrapped up in the newness of everything and forget that the Emily at home really needs some morning peace, and lots of sleep, to function properly. I usually eat at certain times and I'm very particular about balancing my meals. I am sensitive to eating too many carbs, not enough fruits and veggies, and especially getting enough water throughout the day. I drink more water than anyone I know, and I sometimes skimp when I'm traveling because it's expensive or because I forget that I need to keep that normal hydration level up. I also need to remember to brush my teeth and take more showers than I'm inclined to (when possible). 
10. Bring some tea! Although the DR is going to be ridiculously hot, it doesn't hurt to bring a few bags of mint tea. I might brew it at night and then I'll have a refreshing cool drink for the next day. This is especially important because all of the water needs to be boiled in order to be safe (or bottled or filtered). I like traveling with tea because you can ask for free hot water almost anywhere and have a nice beverage. This is wonderful in expensive airports. It's also a good idea to bring your own mug because often they give you hot drinks in styrofoam, which I try to avoid. Tea is great for making friends and helping people feel comfortable. I'm a big fan. Keep it in a ziplock bag!

With all of that put into coherent sentences, I will now commence packing! If I think of anything else, I'll make another post.

*I thought about including something about language, but since I'm fluent in Spanish I'm not too concerned. I think it's beyond crucial to learn a bit of a language before you go somewhere that English is not widely used. It's for your own comfort and for the sake of the indigenous folk who have to deal with your lack of competence to function in their country. Learn how to say things and to ask questions, but also learn what the responses might be. If you need directions someplace, but never learned "left, right, straight" you'll be useless. That is all...

Tourlou (Greek vegetable stew)

One of my favorite veg-friendly restaurants in Rochester is Aladdin's. I used to work in the neighborhood and would often get take-out to take back to the teen center. My good friend and former coworker, Greta, recommended that I get this dish the first time I went. As usual, Greta knows the best of everything in this fabulous town. I've been hooked ever since.

This evening, after a very stormy day, I managed to leave work with clear skies and a cool breeze. I hopped on my bike and headed to the Monroe Village Farmer's market, by far my favorite of all the city markets. I had gazpacho on the brain, but after I saw a beautiful eggplant, I decided to try to replicate Aladdin's tourlou recipe.

The key here is cooking this for a long time. I mean, at least 45 minutes. The longer it cooks, the better. I didn't really use a recipe, but I'll probably look for some to tweak this recipe. So here goes:

1 medium eggplant, sliced and quartered
1 smallish zucchini, sliced
1 small onion, sliced (I didn't use this, but I'm sure it would be lovely)
1 block tofu, frozen*, thawed and cubed 
1 large clove garlic, minced
2-3 Tbs olive oil (I used MUCH more than this, to replicate Aladdin's dish!)
1 14-oz can of fire roasted crushed tomatoes (probably any chunky tomato sauce would work)
1-2 Tbs lemon juice



Saute the eggplant, zucchini, garlic and tofu in the olive oil. I used less oil to start so that I got some nice browning. Not necessary, but a nice touch.

Cook for about 15 minutes, until the tofu is nicely brown. Add the tomatoes and about a half can of water. Cook on medium to medium high heat for 30 minutes until the zucchini and eggplant break apart and incorporate into the sauce (you may have to smoosh them with a spoon). Add the lemon juice and another splash of olive oil. That's it!

I'm going to eat it on toast once Adam comes in from doing yardwork. If you have parsley, make sure you put a bit on top.

*Aladdin's uses chickpeas, but I didn't have any. Freezing tofu is a nice technique if you're sick of plain tofu, or if you're looking for something that won't fall apart as much. If you have bad luck with frying breaded tofu (it falls apart, it doesn't soak up the breading, etc.) I would suggest trying this out. It's also a great way to keep tofu around without having to change the water daily (we buy our tofu in bulk. If you buy it in the individual containers, no water changing necessary).

I also have another fruit crisp in the oven. This time I'm using peaches, rhubarb, blueberries, and plums. I put both nutmeg and cardamom in, so we'll see if it's a bit too spicy.

Chunky Chocolate Chip Cookies

I'm a huge fan of chocolate chip cookies. Last week, I accidently bought $18 worth of chocolate chips from the bulk section of the food co-op. I was eating about 5 handfuls a day, when Adam told me that he really likes chocolate chips, but only when they're wrapped up in sugar, oil and flour. He's very tactful. So I whipped these up. Unfortunately, this made less than 2 dozen cookies, and they've been devoured in less than 24 hours. Need I say more?

1/2 C whole wheat flour
1/2 C buckwheat flour*
1 C quick oats
dash of salt
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/ C oil
1 Tbs vanilla extract
1/2 C sugar (agave and maple syrup work too)
2-5 Tbs water
1/2 C chopped walnuts
1 scant cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 325 F. Mix ingredients together, adding the chocolate chips last. Let the batter sit for a few minutes. Spoon 1/4 C blobs onto a cookie sheet with parchment paper. Bake for 10 minutes, keeping an eye on them as they cook.

I adapted this from a recipe in the Rabbit Food Cookbook, by Beth A. Barnett. Her recipe calls for less oatmeal and lots of shredded coconut, which I didn't have. It's neat that not having all the ingredients grants you the right to copy someone's recipe.

*You don't have to use buckwheat flour. Use all whole wheat, or some unbleached all-purpose flour.

My 100+ Things

1. New Trek 7000 bike
2. Old road bike, "Magdalena"
3. Old mountain bike, "Sprocket"
4. Panniers
5. Bike tools (lube, patches, etc.)
6. Helmet
7. Black purse
8. Wallet
9. Sunglasses
10. Water bottle
11. Rain gear
12. Keens
13. Chaco flipz
14. Old tennis shoes
15. Newer tennis shoes
16. Black heels
17. Black flats
18. Red sandals
19. Brown kitten heels
20. Brown flats
21. Light brown heels
22. Cookbooks (too many to list right now)
23. Library (will work on reducing this)
24. Daypack
25. Backpack (for weekend trips)
26. Snowshoe sleeping bag
27. Quechua sleeping bag
28. Lafuma sleeping bag
29. Half dome 2-person 3-season tent
30. Inflatable sleeping pad
31. iPhone + charger
32. Purple purse
33. Outland purse
34. Black J Crew dress
35. Brown J Crew dress
36. Purple cords
37. Blue work dress
38. Grey work dress
39. Grey stretchy dress w/ belt
40. Suit
41. Brown patterned jacket
42. Grey pencil skirt
43. Brown pants
44. Skinny khakis
45. Boot cut khakis
46. Black patterned jacket
47. Light blue collared shirt
48. Light green collared shirt
49. Black collared shirt
50. Coral collared shirt
51. White collared shirt
52. White collared 3/4 shirt
53. Brown short sleeve dress
54. Black 3/4 dress
55. Blue plaid 3/4 dress
56. Grey/blue striped short sleeve dress
57. Yellow skirt
58. Grey striped skirt
59. Blue confirmation dress
60. Black 3/4 sweater
61. Navy blue wrap dress
62. White collared short sleeve shirt
63. White silk dress
64. Black woman-of-honor dress
65. Chartreuse T #1
66. Chartreuse T #2
67. Peach short sleeve knit
68. Orange print short sleeve sweater
69. Grey hip length sweater
70. Cream colored cardigan
71. Gray cardigan
72. Peach cardigan
73. Old brown cardigan #1
74. Old brown cardigan #2
75. Teal wrap shirt
76. Black polka dot wrap dress
77. Teal silk dress
78. Green zip up pullover
79. Magenta scoop neck 3/4
80. Grey long sleeve t
81. Yellow cardigan
82. Brown v-neck sweater
83. Red striped v-neck sweater
84. Peach pilly cardigan
85. Brown pullover fleece hoodie
86. Magenta long sleeve thermal
87. Brown turtleneck dress
88. Lobby days upcycled t-shirt
89. Grey sweatshirt
90. Black zip up hooded fleece
91. Brown zip up heavy fleece
92. White heart hoodie
93. Purple belted plaid shirt
94. Magenta sweatshirt
95. Green graduation dress
96. Brown brocade coat
97. Purple sundress
98. Red and black sundress
99. Teal sundress
100. Navy blue short sleeve dress
101. Light blue Anthropologie dress
102. Peach strapless dress
103. Winter coat
104. Grey hooded sweatshirt
105. Grey and pink striped dress
106. Black t-shirt
107. Brown cami
108. Yellow v-neck tank
109. Black scoop tank
110. Flowered knee length skirt
111. Brown bermuda shorts
112. Brown high waist shorts
113. Black cami
114. Red plaid shirt
115. Purple banda shirt
116. Green t-shirt w/ yellow flowers
117. Light blue hiking pants
118. Grey hiking chinos
119. Orange henna cami
120. Teal fan t-shirt
121. Grey Adopt t-shirt
122. White koufax t-shirt
123. Black feminist t-shirt
124. Quoi de neuf t-shirt
125. Blue v-neck 3/4 shirt
126. Tan tree pose t-shirt
127. Teal long sleeve shirt
128. Pink cami
129. Multicolored yoga tank
130. Tan and purple halter tank
131. Buddha t-shirt
132. Go vegan upcycled t-shirt
133. Brown v-neck yoga shirt
134. Grey cap sleeve shirt
135. Light blue tank
136. Polka dot jammies
137. Peach nightie
138. Cream jammie pants
139. Striped jammie shirt
140. Blue scoop neck t-shirt
141. Black scoop neck t-shirt
142. Mustard scoop neck t-shirt
143. Lime bicycle t-shirt
144. Grey strapless shirt/skirt
145. Blue Nike t-shirt
146. Pink yoga pants
147. Old black yoga pants
148. New black yoga pants
149. Black knee length shorts
150. Green J Crew tissue t (long)
151. Green tie dye hippie t shirt
152. Pink Kylee t-shirt
153. Khaki AE capris
154. Maroon soft shell
155. Black poly pro shirt
156. Magenta poly pro leggings
157. Teal fleece pullover
158. Black fleece sweatpants
159. Amelia t-shirt skirt
160. Purple yoga capris
161. Brown prana pants
162. AE flare jeans
163. AE skinny jeans
164. AE straight jeans
165. Aeropostale straight jeans
166. Green purse
167. Green wrist purse
168. Green silk scarf
169. Blue scarf
170. Gold scarf
171. Teal fake pashmina
172. Magenta silk scarf
173. Plaid hat
174. Brown belt
175. Teal messenger bag
176. Fleece slippers
177. Gold party heels
178. Alarm clock
179. Grey undershirt
180. Black short shorts

To be continued...

the simple life

Someone's turning 25 this week!

I notice lots of my friends as they approach their birthdays writing posts about goals, things they're thankful for, what they've accomplished and what they know now. I think it's an important way to track growth and encourage lifelong learning.

Recently, I stumbled upon a great blog that is all about minimalism. Reading through a list of how to reduce your consumer urges and create a more simple lifestyle, I realize there is so much that I already do. The big thing is not owning a car. 97% of the time I get around by bicycle. Sometimes I ride on Adam's xtracycle. I very seldom ride the bus, and, unfortunately, I rarely walk these days. Less than 1% of the time I depend on others for their motor vehicles, but that is generally a "carpooling" type situation and not me bumming a ride.

Other things that help create a minimalist lifestyle are eating less meat, cooking instead of eating out and buying in bulk and using less packaged foods. I do this rather well, though I really enjoy eating at the fabulous vegan-friendly, locally-owned restaurants that we have here in Rochester. Adam and I are busy and sometimes it's easier to grab some take out so that we can spend our evening hanging out with Kevin, Wallcat and Jilly in the garden.

One of the main things this blog talks about is getting rid of stuff. I am a pack rat and a consumer, and I am the first to admit it. I can't tell you how much junky stuff I have around that serves no purpose whatsoever. I couldn't believe how long it took me to move into the house with Adam, especially since I have never had much space to keep all of my belongings. Of course, during the move, I was too anxious to get moved in to properly sort through piles and get rid of what I didn't need. So now it's here, occupying the voluminous space in our turn-of-the-century home.

So. I'm turning 25. I already have a lot of minimalist experience under my belt. I believe we should be free from being owned by our things. I believe that I will be much happier if I reduce the amount of money I spend on things I don't need. I believe that changes I make towards creating a minimalist lifestyle will benefit the life and home that Adam and I share together. It will allow us to make improvements on our beautiful house and spend more time on those improvements than simply sifting through clutter every week. It will make it easier for us to move and sell the house if we choose to do so, and it will make more space to fill with friends, family and possibly some more non-human animal friends.

I'm going to own less than 100 things this year. I have no idea how long it will take to get down to that, since I haven't the slightest idea how much I actually own. But every week, I will sit down and purge old papers, knick knacks and possessions that have no purpose. I will make a list of all the things I want to keep, and begin to throw out the things that don't make the cut.

To see what a 100 thing list looks like, go to this dude's site.

I'll be creating a list in a future post and editing it as I go along. I'm not sure that me lamenting the "history" and "sentimental" of certain items I dispose of will be that fascinating to read, so I'll try to cover the lessons I learn along the way.

Also, I've already started getting rid of books I don't want through this website. It's not quite "getting rid" of them, since you earn credits to be sent books on your wish list, but at least you can get rid of things that don't fill you up, and then fill your shelves with the ones that matter.

So let's get this started. 25 is going to be a great year!

Blueberry Rhubarb Crisp

I modified a recipe I found in a book called "Celebrate the Harvests!: Michigan Farm Markets and Farm Stands." I bought the book at a used book store in Michigan and have never looked for a recipe in it until now. After a long season of rhubarb, I've taken several stabs at the best berry crisp recipe ever, and this is the closest I've come. The original recipe didn't call for blueberries, but clearly as a Michigan cookbook it should most definitely utilize them. As a note, I always make weird substitutions, so feel free to use whole wheat flour or pastry flour instead of buckwheat, different berries, brown sugar, etc.
Rhubarb mixture:
2 heaping cups of rhubarb, chopped
1 C fresh blueberries
1/3 C sugar
3 Tbs Buckwheat flour
1/2 tsp nutmeg or ground cardamom
3 Tbs soymilk
2 tsp tapioca starch (or cornstarch)

Stir ingredients together and pour into a 9-in pie plate (glass is best).

Topping:
1/4 C canola oil or margarine, melted
1/3 C sugar
1 Tbs molasses
2 Tbs maple syrup
1/2 C buckwheat flour
1/2 C quick oats
1 tsp cinnamon

Stir the topping together and sprinkle on top of the rhubarb mixture. Bake at 350 for 20-30 minutes. If the top begins to burn, use foil to cover for the rest of the cooking time.

I baked this and topped it with Cashew Cream:
Using a food processor, blend together 1 Cup unsalted cashews, 1 cup hot apple juice, and 1 Tbs maple syrup. Refrigerate for 1 hour, or serve hot.

Serve to someone you love. <3

love this

Astrid Chair, Chocolate, Anthropologie

what i ate tonight

I came home from the market today with a few interesting items. I found a bit of petite basil, purple, not quite spicy yet, and new garlic with the leaves still attached. With not much in the house, I was inspired to keep dinner simple.

I threw a pound of rotini in a pot of boiling water, and set to roughly chopping the garlic. You can use the whole bulb and up the stalk a few inches, just like scallions. I also salvaged some sun dried tomatoes that had been soaking in oil in the back of the refrigerator. While the pasta cooked, I heated the garlic and sundried tomatoes in some oil in a pan. Once the pasta was ready, I drained it and threw it in the pan, stirred everything together, and then threw in the basil at the end. Inspired at the end, I tossed in a couple of chopped strips of fakin' bacon, already cooked and a dash of balsamic.

I'd say it turned out pretty well, though next time I'll probably use less pasta or more goodies. A different pasta might have worked worked better, too. Shells or linguine come to mind.

I also picked up another quart of strawberries and a bunch of rhubarb. You know what that means...dessert-making night!

Time to finish my wine and watch some Jeopardy!

Happy Thursday.

letter to a friend in the stanislaus

i wrote this letter to a dear friend who has returned to the stan for another year of trail work. the hard part about letters is that you can pour your heart out, but then you have to send it off. i'd like to remember these thoughts that i'm sending to the professor, the philosopher, my dear friend and trails brother. it goes like this:

two years ago this weekend, i took my first trip to relief reservoir with you, ice, justin, renae, amanda, gage and kip. i think you and i both woke up early to meditate--remember that camp we found because it got too dark to keep hiking? well, i'm hoping you're having a grand time in our mountains.

i miss them every day.

sometimes i try to recreate

backcountry like eating oatmeal

just after dawn or using

my daypack, just because

i can, or walking a really

long way, because after

backcountry, everything's

just a short walk. i went

to a beautiful park called

Stony Brook in New York,

and it had waterfalls and

huge gorges. It's

just amazing. But

nothing can compare to

the first day we saw

Upper Relief Valley, or

those waterfalls at the

old BC camp. Or the

sun set over Emigrant

Lake. I still have my

dream catcher made

from the willows of

our meadow. I don't

think it catches dreams,

it just keeps my

backcountry dreams

safe. to think about

on a rainy day.

i miss you, o,

and the mountains and

rivers and trails and

the resounding "Yes!"

that we said to life.

Take care of the Stan.

Love,

Emily

grand machine

but we're all just part of some giant grand machine
too big to really understand
but we'll do our jobs till we break down and fall
[electric president]

oh, hello spring.

yesterday was the first day of spring. 

i don't know how we managed to finally arrive here, but here we are. it's inching along towards the end of march and before we know it, snowstorms will be forgotten in the bliss of budding plants. 

i've been working at my new job for 6 weeks now, and, as my dearth of posts suggests, it has kept me very busy. as the project coordinator for an NIH grant studying smoking cessation in the dominican republic, i spend most of my time organizing meetings, preparing documents and translating between english and spanish. it is a fun job, at times stressful, but definitely right where i want to be. sometimes i bike the 7 miles into work, though mostly i take the bus. it is a long commute, and leaves little time in the beginning and end of my days, but as i become more accustomed to it i will work on reading, listening to podcasts, and getting some much needed time to think.

i am sensitive to the seasons and very vulnerable to them as well. yesterday was wonderful and horrible, mostly because of my topsy-turvy emotions. but something about suddenly arriving at a point that i have desperately hoped for all winter long makes me unsettled and frantic. i don't feel i'm prepared to begin the new work that is required in springtime. i haven't finished my winter projects. and i certainly haven't prepared mentally for this change in life's pace.

i went back and forth this morning in deciding whether i should go to church. i should have recognized that this is the argument the lazy part of my brain has with the one that knows what's best for me. when it comes to things that are always good for me, like yoga, church, cooking, cleaning, exercising....it's always the times that i least want to do it that it is most important that i do. 

something is unsettled in my heart, but the spring season will set it right. i just have to keep a strong hold on knowing what is best for me: love, friendship, hot tea, and quiet spaces. 

happy spring. 

everything's the same. everything's changed.

This Monday, I received some fantastic news. After a full three months of searching for a job here in Rochester, I finally found one. And was offered the position!

Starting February 8th, I will be the health project coordinator for a study on smoking cessation in the Dominican Republic. HOorAy!

I can't describe the surreal feeling I have at this point, knowing that I *finally* have a grown-up job. I have an 8-5, Monday through Friday, salaried with benefits, job. It's ridiculous. I have to get work clothes. I have to wake up early. I have to commute. This is a whole new ball of yarn. (I don't know if that's a real idiom, but I'd rather talk knitting than sports...) Aside from being a great opportunity to travel and to speak Spanish, this is an excellent chance for me to get into a serious academic study and get some first-hand experience working with international development. Oh man, business trips to the Caribbean. Can't beat that...

So anyway, I get two weeks to finish off my funemployment, and what a gift that is! I've been knitting like crazy for the last 24 hours. And as a result, I now have three hats and a partial scarf. I'm looking forward to selling some items at the Craft/Zine fair at the Flying Squirrel Community Space in a little over a week. I think with some effort (and occasional breaks for my poor hands) I can have a good supply of finished items to sell. Now that I don't have to worry about an extensive job search (read: stint in financial uncertainty) I can invest in some more yarn to really bust out some nice work. It will be nice to know that I can make money back instead of giving everything away. I love making gifts, don't get me wrong, but it's nice to have some return so that I can invest in even more projects.

I'm also looking forward to doing some design projects in the house. Most of all I can't wait to paint. I'm thinking a dark mustard in the dining room, and soft gold in the living room, and white with pale green, taupe and chocolate in the bathroom. I want to go antiquing and hopefully rescue some great pieces for our living space. It's so fun to have such a BEAUTIFUL house to grow into and develop. I almost wish I could just spend all my time decorating, baking bread, and gardening. And knitting. Oh well, the work will make all those things possible, as time allows.

Off to my sister's house to hang out for a few hours. Hopefully I'll stop by the yarn shop, too.

no words.

it's hard to continue in the every day knowing that someone who was so dear to you has moved on from this life. all i want to do now is to huddle everyone i care about close to me and to wait until we all feel safe again. but that's the problem. we aren't safe, and we aren't isolated. and we can't hide from this. no, not this.

the mother of one of my best friends in high school passed away yesterday. i know it's awful to say this but it's really a shame that it was her and not anyone else, because she was so full of light. she was always so happy to see everyone and to see us having a good time. i don't think i ever heard a cross word leave her mouth. we would have sleepovers and she would make us cinnamon rolls in the morning. she named her daughter after a character in the Thornbirds, and i think she will always treasure that gift.

i keep thinking that it could have been my mom, and what would i have done to be more than 7 hours away? how do we ever say a mean thing or not pay attention to every moment we spend with the people we love? how do we let things get in the way?

i have a hard time these days having faith in what the future will look like. it's hard to think about "forever" when forever could end tomorrow. what is it like not to have a mom? i've always feared knowing that. how could it be too much to ask that her mom be there at her wedding? how can there ever be a happy holiday without her there?

i need to stop thinking about this because it's too hard right now. but i'm comforted to know that our group of friends is still connected enough to hold each other in this moment. it will be a long road for my friend, and i hope that i can be there for her, even though i haven't been for so many years. what a sad day, and all of us were just so glad that we had sunshine for once. thanks, liz, for brightening our day again.

dawn.

Hard to impress
because she's already
seen the sun rise today
& it doesn't get
much better than that.

Most of my life I've had a pretty strong grounding, always known exactly who I am. Usually I have to keep myself from bursting with pride in who I am and who I want to be. Only a few periods of my life have left me lost and wondering who this person is inhabiting this shell of a body. One of those periods was in Spain. Completely displaced, with new families, a strange language and culture, and little practice being myself outside of what was familiar, I drifted in an out of self-knowledge. Some days, I'd have this spark of memory, an Aha! moment that brought me back to my spirit.

But sometimes I am just too far from my center. Even now, I don't know how to practice yoga when I'm thousands of miles from my teacher, Hilaire. I don't know what to do without my mornings, my music, my books and familiar places. Even my possessions...rugs, pillowcases, lamps, candles, small trinkets from my travels, help me to remember the life that I've been building.

And yet, there were things I searched for that I've only just found. My whole life, I never felt at home with catholicism. Suddenly, I happened upon unitarian universalism and I have a new home, a new space where I can be myself. I spent years unlucky in love, and now I am blessed by being in a relationship with the exact person I'd hoped to find: someone passionate, caring, fun and adventurous. I can really be myself with him.

And yet, these days, I have a hard time feeling that spark in me. I lack the knowledge of who I am and where I'm going. Perhaps I just need a reminder. Maybe I do this EVERY winter (it's true, sad to say). What makes me feel most true to who I am? What feeds my spirit and reminds me of the chorus of life stories that make up my journey on this earth? How can I celebrate being this beautiful light in a capable, versatile human body?

What inspires me? ¿Qué me inspira?

The resounding answer is...the morning. I am never more filled with possibility than in the early morning hours. I feel alive and liberated and completely at peace. In the evenings I am inevitably disappointed in how little I accomplished. But mornings, man. Those are inspiring. I can wash my face, drink a glass of water, and sneak down to take a look at the morning light. I can make myself a nice breakfast and read something beautiful or interesting. I can think about things.

During my senior year of college, when I lived with 5 other girls, I would often get up early on Saturdays just to have a few moments to myself. I'd make a cup of tea, sit in the living room and meditate or read or stretch. Just having time to enjoy being cozy; that was enough for me.

I like this Brian Andreas story because it gives so much value to witnessing the rising sun. I once hiked a pilgrimage that sun worshippers used to travel to see "where the sun died", "where the earth ended." People used to wonder if the sun would ever rise again. Each time it does is a miracle. And also, with this story, it emphasizes getting the most wonderful part of your day at the very beginning. Otherwise, you could wait all day for that thing to inspire you. And also, what's more impressive than seeing the sun rise? I can say I saw it every day for 5 months in the mountains, and it never got old.

I've always liked the time before dawn
because there's no one around to remind me
who I'm supposed to be, so it's easier to remember who I am

Maybe I haven't been taking the time to remember who I am. Maybe I wake up late and spend the day listening to what others think about me. Whatever it is, the cure is probably taking more time when I wake up to give myself a refresher. And also, I'm guessing that I need to talk to those people who have always kept me grounded. It's hard living so far away from the people that remember who I am when I forget. I grow tired, sometimes, of the thrill of new places and new faces; I'm over the rush of creating a new personality with each new zip code. As many people as I've met here in Rochester, I don't quite feel motivated to strike up new friendships. I get tired of telling my story. I just want to be with people who know everything about me. (This all gets especially complicated when I can't remember who I am. I end up telling lies and making up strange preferences and idiosyncrasies. In short, I stop caring about getting the details straight). What a nut job I am!

When I left Williamston and went to college, I came back with what can only be characterized as sheer terror over seeing people from my hometown. There are, of course, some circumstances that made me dread running into people at the mall (my highschool sweetheart dumped me, I gained weight in Spain, I was no longer a Jesus-loving goodie-two-shoes like everyone remembered...etc.) But in the end, I had remade myself in a good way, and didn't care to explain that to everyone I used to know. Sometimes I just demonstrated it through my liquor-consuming capabilities. (Maybe that wasn't the best part of my transformation, but whatever, I was 20.) All this is to say that I wasn't interested in people from my past because I didn't think they would recognize me after such growth. These days, though, I don't care about how much I've changed. I want to know that something about me has stayed the same. That I have some inherent spark that will always be a part of who I am. And probably in this slightly dimmer part of my life, I want to know that I have been something of which I am proud and could still be that now. (I told you, I'm a gloomy emo kid in January...)

Starting tomorrow, I'm not sleeping past 8am. If I can wake up 20 minutes before the sun rises, I will. Even if Adam sleeps till 11, I will relish my time to figure out what to do with that light that shines throughout my body. I will think of impossible things and start the day out right by giving myself the care I need right when I wake up. I will bask in the miracle of each rising sun.

The time is right; I'm gonna pack my bags
and take that journey down the road.
'Cause over the mountain I see the bright sunshine
and I want to live inside the glow

And with that, I'm going to set my alarm for the morning, get ready for the land where dreams are made.

Peace...

your dreams are always coming true.

It's that time of the month. Soul Matters time, that is. I have my meeting with my group tomorrow, and, of course, I've left most of my reflection and work for the last minute. I meant to look at it this weekend, but I ended up blogging about other things. So, back to Possibility. Let's see what I can work out.

First of all, the spiritual practice that they wanted us to do was, in my opinion, dumb. We were supposed to read a poem by Robert Bly every day. And it was a dumb poem, saying that instead of expecting the ordinary, we should imagine that a moose will come out of a pond carrying your unborn child in his antlers.

???

My point exactly. So we were supposed to read it every day for two weeks and see what sorts of things we would start to think were possible. It's meant to get us out of our routines. Personally, I don't think this would help my spirit, so I didn't do it.

However, if I were to explore this concept without the dumb poem, I think I would start to understand that a lot of the things I'm most proud of doing seemed like really crazy ideas at the beginning. Some of the wildest things I've done have been the most worthwhile. And while I'm looking for a job and trying to shape what my life in Rochester with Adam will look like, it's important to think big, not small. There, lesson learned.

The next part is the challenge. I need to brainstorm all the things I think are impossible. I've already listed these things, and I'll say now that I did NOT succeed in creating a home yoga routine, nor did I fast or do anything else, really. Not even close. I did yoga once. And I attempted to fast once. So, there are some improvements I can make. And I have decided that those things are big leaps, and I need small steps. That means meditating regularly, and mindful eating. The point is, I've figured out what my long term goals are, and now I know what small steps will lead me in that direction.

The other little trick I've learned is modifying my dreams. At this point, I think it's pretty unlikely that I'll go back to the woods to work as a trail laborer. And frankly, I haven't been convinced that I do actually want to. But...I am planning on going back this summer to visit, and hopefully see people from my crew. That would pretty much satisfy that dream of mine, but it fits into the reality of other choices I'm making in my life. I probably don't want to spend 6 months in the woods without Adam and without a phone to call him. So I'll go for a week or two, sleep under the stars, hike some trails, and that'll be that.

I don't mean to say that I should compromise my dreams for things that seem more reasonable. I just mean that I will never accomplish what I want if I will only accept one hypothetical result. Part of realizing your dreams is understanding that your dreams are coming true all the time. Even if they don't arrive in the exact package you expected. And that is the heart of possibility. The ability to see everything as an opportunity, every new experience a gift and every new acquaintance as the potential for something grand.

Living boldly means that we embrace all the little moments that will lead to someplace fabulous. Rejoicing in our small accomplishments acknowledges that every step brings us closer to our goals.

I used to feel like I was such a poser because I "pretended" that I practiced yoga regularly, when really I had only been practicing for a few months. I wanted so much at 17 to be a true yogini. But I knew that it would take time. Because I stuck with yoga and still practice, however sporadically, no one could tell me today that I do not understand the fundamentals of yoga and have a true foundation in the philosophy. And so there is no reason that I should have let that keep me from feeling like I was a yogini. My path led me here, and no one can disprove that those few classes I took as a junior in high school helped me along the way. Even at our beginnings, we are undeniably bound for success. That is the whole power of the future and the unknown. No one can really say "You'll never be a true yogini" or "You'll never become a doctor." Because they don't know the future. Maybe today is the first day of your 20 years as a massage therapist. Maybe all that journaling you've been doing for all these years will be a best-selling book in 3 years. Maybe yesterday was your first day as a lifelong bike commuter. The possibilities are truly endless.

This entire month I have been avoiding the theme Possibility because there is really only one thing that I want to be possible: getting this research job. I want to believe so much that it will happen, and I think I've done everything I can to make sure that this dream is realized. But since I don't know the future, I don't know if tomorrow will bring an end to this job search, and the beginning of another, or the beginning of 5 years with a health project in the Dominican Republic. I want to believe that it is possible. But if it doesn't work out, I have to imagine something equally acceptable to do with my life.

I firmly believe in listening to the messages that life sends you. For example, on a date with a guy that I liked, I got hit in the head with a sign. And that sign happened to say "Sign." That made it pretty clear. I also think that the job with St. Joseph's Villa did not work out because it wasn't right for me. When you have to work hard to make something feel good, it's probably not that good for you. I'm also hoping that it didn't work out because I was meant to have this job with the University of Rochester. And if not, I'm going to spend a lot of time working at a coffee shop and re-imagining my future.

I'll wrap this up with a little story from my friend, Brian Andreas. This has always been one of my favorites, and I think it fits pretty well with this evening's thoughts.

Everything changed the day she figured out
there was exactly enough time
for the important things in her life.

And, because I can't help myself, here's another:

In my dream, the angel shrugged & said,
If we fail this time, it will be a failure of imagination
& then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand.

song playlist for vinyasa flow

This afternoon I worked on a playlist for a power yoga vinyasa flow. It's about 60 min long, and since I don't like to listen to anything in savasana, this could work for a 1 hour session with 10 minutes of meditation.

You can't imagine how hard it is for me to do a whole flow series at home, even when I'm listening to a teacher on a podcast, dvd, etc. But this actually kept me focused for the whole hour, with the exception of shooing Jilly out of my way multiple times (I need to videotape her doing yoga with me...she actually stretches! LOL) I've made some changes based on how the songs felt while I was practicing, but overall I think it has a good pace.

So anyway, here's a simple playlist that is completely tailored to my music tastes. Which, unfortunately, means that this might not be as upbeat as you'd like it to be. I can listen to pretty emo things, but I tried to keep a more positive yogi attitude--and if not, it's because I know there are times when you're working through something in your head and some of these songs can hit you like a bag of bricks.

The first song is meant only for child's pose, but towards the end you can move into down dog and settle into that pose. You might even take your first uttanasa. The next song is for the first few sets of Surya Namaskar A. These can be taken slow, and held for some time. The third song it to let go and power through Surya Namaskars A and B. Continue them through the 4th and 5th, working up heat and sweat. If you like, add a twisted prayer, reverse warrior, crescent, whatever you like to really fly through this series.

In the 6th and 7th songs, spend some time in warrior poses, uttihita trikonasana, parivrtta trikonasana, uttihita parvsakonasana, etc. In the 8th song, try some standing poses like vrksasana or a supported backbend. In the 9th song, do a slow vinyasa, stopping in uttanasana to do gorilla pose (standing on your hands with palms facing up) or another deep stretch. I like to clasp my hands over my head for a nice heart opener. After your vinyasa, step your feet through your hands and do a paschimottanasana and perhaps a set of wheel. The 10th song is specifically for eka pada rajakapotasana (pigeon). After the last "I need you so much closer..." slowly switch legs, maybe doing a little downdog in between. On the last song, lie in supta bada konasana to let out tension from pigeon, and stretch out your back with some gentle twists. Settle into savasana, and meditate as long as you like!


1. You Had Time - Ani Difranco (5:49)
2. Chicago - Sufjan Stevens (6:04)
3. Float On - Modest Mouse (3:28)
4. Your Heart - Death Cab for Cutie (3:39)
5. Blacking Out the Friction - Death Cab (3:27)
6. Skinny Love - Bon Iver (3:59)
7. Ain't No Reason - Brett Dennen (3:42)
8. White Daisy Passing - Rocky Votolato (3:11)
9. Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap (4:29)
10. Transatlanticism - Death Cab (7:55)
11. Beautiful - India.Arie (4:06)

Feel free to take this and change it however you like. I'm working on another list, but I haven't tried it out yet. Namaste.

breaking the silence.

Yesterday was quite lovely. I had a crafting date with Greta, and we met at her house to get to work on some Zines that we've been brainstorming. We'd already started a ROC City zine, but we were really excited to get started on a menstruation theme. After a whole afternoon of yerba mate, storytelling, and rants, we turned out a couple of great pages. I wrote a page about different sorts of cups, like the Diva Cup, Moon Cup and Keeper. Greta will write one about Instead, and we'll have a DIY page for making pads, and also provide info about products like Glad Rags and Party In My Pants. These are fantastic alternatives to disposable feminine products, and many many women have never heard of them! I use a Keeper, and I like that it is natural rubber, but if I could go back I would probably invest in a Moon Cup. They are easier to work with and are probably just as safe.

Greta also has been working on a page for men about the experience of Catcalling, and why men should never do it again, ever. She, I think, has a particularly hard time with it because she looks younger, she has beautiful blond hair and she is often on her bike, on foot, or on the bus. She also works in a coffee shop where creeps like to hit on her and feel entitled to her attentions. All that said, we've both been pretty stumped about how exactly to approach a page directed at men, one that will actually make them think, and then completely change their ways. And I'm not sure we can accomplish that in a Zine.

However, Adam and I went to dinner last night with a very good friend, Jenna, who happens to be the most intelligent person I know on the topics of feminism, ending oppression for all beings and effective activism. I presented our conundrum, and we had a fantastic conversation that was really illuminating for me. Basically, it seems that most men who have the practice of catcalling deeply ingrained in them will never understand the fear and trauma that they inflict on their targets. Unless the patriarchal system is completely overturned, it will never make sense to them it is WRONG. On the other hand, there are men who are not deeply attached to the practice, but only do it as a form of male bonding or because they interpret their actions as a form of flattery. Both, I believe, are reversible. And here is where my brainstorm starts brewing:

Catcalling is based on the premise that men feel comfortable being the first to speak, and are empowered further when they can say anything they want and get little to no response. They can say dirty things to complete strangers, and they might get only a scowl or glare in return. Sometimes they'll even get a smile. The problem is, women do not live in a world where they can approach or say anything to a stranger (unless is it a motherly type who can tell you what time it is or if the #24 bus has been by). Women cannot smile at any man for fear of initiating more than a simple hello. And if spoken to, most women are terrified that if they express their displeasure in being objectified or threatened, they will be followed, harassed, or worse. This is NOT rare. I think I could talk to any woman I know, from age 11 to 65, and she will have a slew of stories to tell about times when she felt physically and emotionally threatened by being spoken to or looked at in inappropriate ways by men. I personally took the bus and Monday and counted no fewer than 12 stares, honks, comments, etc. It didn't matter that I had a scarf wrapped tightly up to my eyes and a hat pulled down past my eyebrows. It is not because they like what they see...it is because they have power and they have the freedom to exercise it. And it has to stop.

Most women will say they feel powerless when men make comments, even in personal situations. Jenna and I discussed the fact that many men are socialized into a sort of script that provides them with an array of comments they can make and actions (e.g. check out a woman's ass, look at her up and down, etc.) they can take when presented with an attractive female. Their friends, fathers, cousins, uncles, etc. teach them exactly what they should do. And many men are not taught this! Hallelujah! So many men are taught to just say a polite hello, glancing quickly at a stranger's eyes and then right back in front of them. I would LOVE it if I could say "hi" to everyone I pass on the street and not feel like I'm encouraging men's attentions.

So what do we do about all of this?

I think it would be useful to create a zine that breaks the silence around catcalling and other forms of sexual harassment. Just as men have a culture that teaches them how to exert their power over women, we need a culture among women that supports their right to safety and encourages women to teach each other how to speak out. I'm still working out ideas, but I think this is an important issue for women in Rochester and hopefully we will get the word out to them. Making some spaghetti now, so I've gotta run.

breadmaking.

One of the things I have been doing to stay active while I search for a job is--and this is so cliche--bake. I've never really been much of a baker, since I don't like following recipes, but lately I've had such a sweet tooth, and I don't feel like bundling up to get some store-bought overly-processed cookies. Since I've been unemployed, I've made several wonderful batches of snickerdoodles, ginger cookies, scones, and even coconut cupcakes and shortbread. I've also made more than a couple of delicious loaves of bread, including French baguettes. I made those today, and they are delicious! The catch is that once you have some fresh out of the oven, the cooled bread just doesn't taste as great. And Adam surely can't get enough!

Anyway, I'm glad that I've had this time to get to know baking, and, especially, to make some delicious vegan treats that people simply adore. Brianne told me that the ginger cookies were hands-down the best vegan cookies she's ever had, and Charlie said that the coconut cupcakes were perfectly moist. I'm very proud to share these cruelty-free treats, and to have them enjoyed by all!

Baking bread used to be a mystery to me. The power of yeast seemed to be nearly godlike, having the ability to turn water and flour into gooey, expanding, airy dough. My mom used to put her bread dough in her KitchenAid mixing bowl with a towel over it in the front of our minivan to rise. It was pure magic. "Learn to bake bread" appears on my List of Things To Do alongside "Learn French" and "Hike to Machu Picchu". It's THAT huge for me. I feel that when I'm kneading dough, I'm connecting with millions of women over centuries and millennia who have mastered this art of nourishment. If I have nothing else in the house, at least I have a few cups of flour, a tablespoon of yeast and some salt, sugar and oil if need be.

I happened to have that same sensation of connecting with women when, in the backcountry, I would wash my clothes on the rocks in the cold river. Nothing makes you feel more indigenous than standing naked in the rushing water, rinsing the dirt from your day's activities off your clothes and letting them dry on the rocks while you scrub your shivering body. I used to throw everything in my sleeping bag case and hoist the heavy load onto my head to hike up the big hill back to camp. It really is the easiest way to carry such a load.

When I get fed up with life's complications, I like to think about simple, sustainable practices our species have carried on since the birth of our history. Despite the fact that we demand phone interviews, letters of recommendation, writing samples, electronic AND paper applications, and freaking NY State Drivers Licenses, life for human beings is really much simpler. We are not meant for the bureaucracy of this modern age. We were meant for more earthly purposes:

Create a home, create a community, bake bread, break bread.

We make things so much more complicated than they need to be. You can, of course, extrapolate and use these things as metaphors. Buy a house, start a family, make dinner, eat together. But I would encourage preserving the former and ignoring the latter. Except that you can eat more than just bread! I wonder sometimes how I can live in this world. It's hard to drive a car, take a hot shower, live in a house too big for its occupants, mow a lawn and send text messages when I have known another way. I have known what it's like to move exactly at the pace of my own footsteps. I have known cold dips in wild rivers and soothing baths in natural hot springs. I have lived in a tent with the wilderness as my living room. I have maintained trails and restored meadows. I have sat for hours around a campfire, writing songs and talking dreams with people who loved the mountains as I did. It's hard to take these things for granted.

Most days, I just want to move to a farm in a place that grows food year round. I want to "make a living" by building a life. Provide for my family by growing food that I then cook for them and serve. Put in a hard day's work and actually know what the weather was like that day. I want to move at the pace of my footsteps.

There are lots of reasons why that is not going to happen, at least not anytime soon. First of all, it's horrendously cliche and idealistic. And very privileged. I do believe in urban population and keeping the wilderness wild. I think cities are horribly designed and once cars become obsolete (okay, scarce) I will very much enjoy city life. There are great things that come from putting community within walking distance. I'm getting off track.

In the end, I'm thinking today about what is important in life. And I'm thinking about bread.

Baking bread is grounding. So is eating it. And washing clothes, and taking naps, and sitting still, feeling the earth between your toes. What have you done today that really grounds you? That makes you remember that you are a human being, with a long history of living off the earth? What makes you feel the stillness? What makes you feel whole?

I'm asking myself all of these questions, and thinking about the next good thing I will put into the oven...

Sun Challenge

Another one of my resolutions (that I've been kicking around since August) is to begin writing short stories using the prompts from the Sun Magazine. They have a Readers Write section, and give topics 6 months in advance. I would love love love to get a story accepted, but even if I don't, it's still a great way to start writing more regularly and seriously. Here are the next few topics:

The Last Word
Beauty
Slowing Down
Teenagers
The Office
Medicine

The Last Word is due February 1, and I'm pretty sure I could get something in by then. I can't think of a story at the moment, but I'll work on it. Right now, I'm going to get back to reading this month's issue and pay special attention to the stories they include.

It should also be noted that only non-fiction is accepted. Which is fine by me. Fiction baffles me. I don't know how people come up with entire worlds that are not their lives. I'm pretty good at finding a way to make my stories fit into any category, and I'm sure I'll be able to write about Beauty, Slowing Down, and Teenagers. We'll see about the rest...

resolve.

Words color my world.

I don't think I ever could have imagined the poetry that would weave my world together and make it dance in my memory for a lifetime. From journaling as a pre-teen and teenager, to livejournaling as a young college student and then to blogging in The Real World, writing has been my way of making sense of the experiences and adventures that compose my life. No matter where I've been, be it the confused darkness of a family paralyzed by divorce, or the bonnie Highlands of Scotland, writing is compelling, necessary, and important. She is my good friend, and my most trusted therapist.

My love of language, then, is the natural progression of my friendship with the written word. To learn to express myself in more beautiful and exotic words was like discovering a secret garden. I could use these new words with new people, and they would take me to places like San Sebastian, Vieques, and Chefchaouen. I learned more about grammar than I ever had known, and so I became more confident in using my native language to express myself. I find I am always curious about what one word means, and I am fascinated by the posse of other words needed to define one. And so, another etymological lesson:

Resolve. Re-solve. Solve again.
to bring to an end; to settle conclusively; to reach a conclusion.
Resolution. To make a new solution.
finding a solution to a problem.

It's a new year, a new decade. Time for a fresh start. Time to go back to those old decisions and remake them. Resolve to do what is good for us, for our health, for our wellness and our future. We forget that behind every resolution is a decision we made that something was BAD for us. Losing weight really means that we don't want to overeat or to remain sedentary. Quitting smoking, obviously means we KNOW that cigarettes are bad for us. Buying too much, spending beyond our means and wasting beyond our allotment are good reasons to save money and to be thrifty. Part of making a resolution means looking back at all the ugly moments from the last year and finding a new way. How do we make change? How do we start over?

The truth is, New Years is a farce. It is a scheme to force everyone to operate on the same schedule of putting off our resolutions until one day in January. Months in advance, we talk about how we will make changes. "My new year's resolution will be to start running again." "I'm going to finish all those projects I never got around to." The problem is, we can start doing that NOW. We don't have to wait until the ball drops to begin the race toward our dreams. It's like Dick Clark is holding the toy gun, and we're all at the starting line waiting for his signal. As soon as he says go, we can all begin again. But not until he says so. Are we insane?? Dick Clark didn't even say "13" in his countdown! It's time to find a new starter for the race.

What happens if we fall of the wagon in February? Or worse, January 2nd. What then? Is it all over until next year? We're fooling ourselves if we think we only have one chance at this. Personally, January is a horrible time for me to make plans for my future. I'm cold, depressed from lack of sunshine, and generally walking like a zombie till March. I'm hibernating. So I don't need Carson Daly telling me that it's time for a fresh start.

However, I do feel hints of inspiration as I walk mummified through these frozen streets. Yesterday, on a frigid bus ride home with Adam, I suddenly thought about our garden, and what I want to plant this year. Even though I can't put a darn thing in the ground until April, I can still look through seed catalogs and draw up designs for the garden.

The point is, every day is a new day. So hallelujah for that. Maybe yesterday was awful, but today can be completely new. And we should allow our dreams and goals to evolve with the fluidity of each passing day, instead of it all hinging on one cold day just past winter solstice. New Years always creeps up on me, and I find I've had no time during the holidays to imagine the possibilities of the new year. And so I leave that for February. Sometimes even June. No matter what, I give myself the power to decide ANY day that I want life to be different. And if I fail one day, I just go to bed early and let the world remake itself as I sleep. When I wake up in the morning, the day is new, with no mistakes.

That being said, since this is the time of confessing our resolve for change, here are some ideas I have been chewing on:

1. I need a solid, regular, committed relationship with my yoga mat. It seems at this point that the only way that is going to happen is with an unlimited pass to Tru Yoga. So as soon as I have a paycheck, I am going to be spending at least 4 nights a week glued to my purple mat.

2. I need a paycheck.

3. I have been thinking about some lyrics by Ani Difranco, and they've been digging in, so much so that I can't shake them anymore:

"I had to leave the house of self-importance
to doodle my first tattoo
realize a tattoo is no more permanent
than I am"

I think I hold much too tightly onto the idea of what I am instead of oozing with the beauty of who I am. As silly as it sounds, this obsession is currently manifested in the terror I feel in contemplating chopping off my long hair. I have been thinking about it for months now, and still haven't done it, even though I actually found a photo of exactly what I want my hair to look like. The problem is, cutting my hair short feels like such a permanent act. It takes years to grow it long. But I have to remember that it's not a tattoo, it's not a wedding vow, and it's not an infant. It's my hair, and I have the earthly right of doing whatever the hell with it that I please. Yes, it is pretty when it's long, but I also only shower every three days because I hate waiting for my hair to dry. And, as long as it is, all I ever do is wrap it up in a little bun at the nape of my neck. But it's long and pretty, and sometimes I feel like it is a huge part of who I am. If it's gone, who am I?

All that being said, I have a hair appointment today at 3:00. I wrote this because I'm afraid I'll go in and say, just trim it, please. And I think that's cowardly.

More than a few experiences over the past few months have made me realize that this life is really all we have, and the more we sink inside ourselves, the less we will ever know about the possibilities of this world. Having the courage to do such a little thing as cut my hair is part of a huge awakening. If I can't get myself to part with these curly locks, I will never be able to do the wild things I imagine for this life.

When I was little, I used to lie in bed, paralyzed, trying to get myself to get up to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. I was afraid of the dark, and monsters under my bed, and I would wait for more than 20 minutes, telling myself "Now!....Now!....NOW!" And I wouldn't lift a finger. This went on for months. Maybe years. Until the day I realized that if I had to tell myself to jump, I would never do it. So now I jump before anyone can say "Now!" And it works. That's how I get myself to jump off 20ft. cliffs into freezing cold water. That's how I buy plane tickets (and gear from REI...so bad). But seriously, I deliberate too damn long. I need to trust myself, and know that, as long as there are no rocks at the bottom, I'll survive any jump from any cliff I set my mind to.

So today, my resolution is to chop off my hair. If it's long enough, it will get donated to Locks of Love. The point is, I'm the one saying "Now!" Life is too short to waste on self-importance and fear. So here's to today, and all the possibilities that the rising sun brings.