Deep Listening

This month's topic for my "Soul Matters" group is Deep Listening. There are three parts to our assignment, and I really haven't done much with any of them. One is to listen to surroundings, to be in a familiar place like the supermarket or the park and to listen to what is going on. The next is to listen to someone close to us, to really listen to what they have to say and to keep them talking, rather than waiting for our turn to talk. The last part is listening to something we don't really want to listen to, be it conservative talk shows or a voice in our heads that has been persistently nagging us. I'm not so good with fitting into every assignment, and prefer to use it as a guide for my own experiences.

I should say that I have listened deeply to someone close to me. On several occasions I focused quite a bit on talking with Adam and Betsy about various things. It's a good reminder to be present during all of those everyday moments. And I do try.

The conversation, though, that really sticks out to me came from the day that I volunteered at our Project Homelessness Connect event in Rochester. AmeriCorps members participated that day in helping the organizers bring social services and agencies to homeless Rochesterians to assist them and provide them with services they need. It was, in general, a very uplifting and heartening experience. But one thing that really bothered me was that many people felt they needed to cut in line or push people around so that they got what they needed. That is totally normal, when so many homeless people have to compete for a place in line for food, clothing and shelter EVERY NIGHT. I just wish that the organizers did more to make sure this was not a "survival of the fittest" type experience for anyone. But it was, and here's my story.

I was an escort for different individuals to help them find the resources they were looking for. Later in the afternoon, I walked around with Mike, a retired Marine who was going through a divorce. He was nice enough, though pretty suspicious of me (or a least uncomfortable walking around with me). It was strange to be helping a man that truly reminded me so much of my dad. We were waiting in line for the barber for over an hour (!!), and had been chatting with another man in front of us, when a 19-year-0ld kid cut in line. Now, we had been waiting for a long time, but there weren't many people in line and it was taking SO long that I can understand why the man in front of us got upset. But he grabbed the kids arm and told him to get back, that we were all waiting in line and that it was rude of him to cut. He was quite angry and the kid got angry too. Eventually, they were yelling at me to do something because I had some kind of authority. But I did not know what to do. So I said nothing. They kind of eyed each other for a while, muttering things, the boy not moving from his spot. The man looked to me again and said I had to do something, and the boy came over to talk to me. He was flipping out, yelling that he was bi-polar and that he blacks out when he gets angry and starts punching people, so that man definitely did not want to mess with him. And I simply said to him that everyone was waiting patiently and would he be okay just waiting in line with me instead. He was a bit hesitant at first, still insisting that he could definitely hurt that guy if he touched him again. But then he just started talking. He told me all about his mental health problems, about problems in his life and past, and he started to settle down. I asked him questions about his life and issues he had, and eventually he was fine. We talked a lot, and he told me everything. Everyone got their hair cut, and no one threw a punch. It was scary, but once I knew what to say, I was in complete control. And I have to think that in a small way I help that boy.

I know that a year ago I could have never stepped in on this disagreement, and I would never have known how to talk to this kid. But after a year of working with teens, I really do know how to talk to them, and, more importantly, how to respect them. They mostly just need someone who will listen to them, not judge them, and offer them advice, not a lecture.

And so, although I make an effort to listen deeply to all aspects of my life, today I am proud that when it REALLY counted, I was there to listen. And it really helped.

<3

authenticity.

it is hard to be authentic when those who remind you who you are live thousands of miles away. those that keep you grounded and humble don't see you every day. it is hard to not want to recreate yourself in front of new people who could be impressed by your first impression. how do you prevent yourself from letting go of those deep roots for something more liberating, something more exhilarating? something that...isn't you?

such is the plight of a 20-something in a new city post-graduation working for two drastically different employers. starbucks and americorps. what a freaking dichotomy. i guess you could say i am confused. i spend the morning making triple venti non-fat extra hot lattes for soccer moms and executives with blue-rays in their ears, and then do my best to figure out how to get one of my teens to go to school every day. who barely have enough money to buy ramen noodles for dinner.

so the people i work with, naturally, have their disparities as well. i try my best not to get sucked into the corporate b.s. and the co-worker drama that rampages through our store, and yet it's nearly as addicting as celebrity gossip. or $4 lattes. whereas greta, my coworker at teen city, has me all wriled up at school counselors who don't do shit for their students or parents who allow their kids to stay at home to clean house rather than go to school. while we try to convince another teen that he should quit smoking. on days when i work both jobs, i'm more confused than exhausted.

there are a few things i think is wrong with this world. one of them happens to appear exclusively on E! entertainment. obsession with youth and beauty and weight and celebrity; while teens starve themselves, or binge, cut, purge and HATE what they see in the mirror. an idea that money is happiness, that YOU TOO can look like a star if you just drop your next two paychecks on some lipo and acrylics. people will notice you if you have a fast car and a big house and big boobs and a big freaking latte. then, you will be worth something.

the teens at my site sit in a circle and text each other. they text people who aren't there. they show each other past text conversations. all the while listening to some random punk band on their i-pod shuffle. well, some of them do. the others couldn't possibly afford all that. but some of them still manage to have D.S's. they all play rock band and guitar hero. when i asked our 11-year-olds what was the best part of their winter break, they ALL, every single one of them, mentioned a game system or electronic that they received as a present. what. the. hell. are we teaching these children???

people in americorps are starting a book group, and our first book is called "the last child in the woods". supposedly it is about children losing their connection with the outdoors. after spending an entire summer out of doors, i'm excited to know what this book has to say. my initial thoughts, based on my experiences, are that youth are losing all ability to socialize. authentically. they cannot possibly know how to talk to one another--to truly communicate--when 50% of their "conversations" are texts. apparently, one of my teens is dating someone that he has only texted--they've never met face-to-face. how does that even constitute as a relationship?

i have a lot against which to rant. but mostly, i wish that kids could be outdoors laughing and interacting, instead of being given electronics that inhibit socialization and real mental stimulation. and that lack anything remotely close to physical activity. nothing in these teens' lives encourages them to be authentic. they can be whoever they want to be in a text. they can be perverted or sarcastic and as "bold" as they wish, because they are only superficially held accountable for their "words". and lacking any sort of relationship-building interactions, they can remain detached and unaffected by the people around them. we are creating an entire generation of bubble-children.

i sometimes wonder how it is that i can spend so much time mindlessly on facebook. how i can waste 20 minutes just flipping through profiles or looking at what someone wrote to someone else. it's absurd. i wonder how i let myself settle for such mundane mental activities. more and more i am reading and knitting and writing to use my brain more often. to demand more from it. but there is so much waste. and i am so easily unentertained. when did i begin to expect less from activities that were supposed to entertain me? how did i let the bar go so low? when will we see how detrimental this internet-coma is to our society?

this only scratches the surface of my worries for this next generation, and for our world as a whole.