no words.

it's hard to continue in the every day knowing that someone who was so dear to you has moved on from this life. all i want to do now is to huddle everyone i care about close to me and to wait until we all feel safe again. but that's the problem. we aren't safe, and we aren't isolated. and we can't hide from this. no, not this.

the mother of one of my best friends in high school passed away yesterday. i know it's awful to say this but it's really a shame that it was her and not anyone else, because she was so full of light. she was always so happy to see everyone and to see us having a good time. i don't think i ever heard a cross word leave her mouth. we would have sleepovers and she would make us cinnamon rolls in the morning. she named her daughter after a character in the Thornbirds, and i think she will always treasure that gift.

i keep thinking that it could have been my mom, and what would i have done to be more than 7 hours away? how do we ever say a mean thing or not pay attention to every moment we spend with the people we love? how do we let things get in the way?

i have a hard time these days having faith in what the future will look like. it's hard to think about "forever" when forever could end tomorrow. what is it like not to have a mom? i've always feared knowing that. how could it be too much to ask that her mom be there at her wedding? how can there ever be a happy holiday without her there?

i need to stop thinking about this because it's too hard right now. but i'm comforted to know that our group of friends is still connected enough to hold each other in this moment. it will be a long road for my friend, and i hope that i can be there for her, even though i haven't been for so many years. what a sad day, and all of us were just so glad that we had sunshine for once. thanks, liz, for brightening our day again.