resolve.

Words color my world.

I don't think I ever could have imagined the poetry that would weave my world together and make it dance in my memory for a lifetime. From journaling as a pre-teen and teenager, to livejournaling as a young college student and then to blogging in The Real World, writing has been my way of making sense of the experiences and adventures that compose my life. No matter where I've been, be it the confused darkness of a family paralyzed by divorce, or the bonnie Highlands of Scotland, writing is compelling, necessary, and important. She is my good friend, and my most trusted therapist.

My love of language, then, is the natural progression of my friendship with the written word. To learn to express myself in more beautiful and exotic words was like discovering a secret garden. I could use these new words with new people, and they would take me to places like San Sebastian, Vieques, and Chefchaouen. I learned more about grammar than I ever had known, and so I became more confident in using my native language to express myself. I find I am always curious about what one word means, and I am fascinated by the posse of other words needed to define one. And so, another etymological lesson:

Resolve. Re-solve. Solve again.
to bring to an end; to settle conclusively; to reach a conclusion.
Resolution. To make a new solution.
finding a solution to a problem.

It's a new year, a new decade. Time for a fresh start. Time to go back to those old decisions and remake them. Resolve to do what is good for us, for our health, for our wellness and our future. We forget that behind every resolution is a decision we made that something was BAD for us. Losing weight really means that we don't want to overeat or to remain sedentary. Quitting smoking, obviously means we KNOW that cigarettes are bad for us. Buying too much, spending beyond our means and wasting beyond our allotment are good reasons to save money and to be thrifty. Part of making a resolution means looking back at all the ugly moments from the last year and finding a new way. How do we make change? How do we start over?

The truth is, New Years is a farce. It is a scheme to force everyone to operate on the same schedule of putting off our resolutions until one day in January. Months in advance, we talk about how we will make changes. "My new year's resolution will be to start running again." "I'm going to finish all those projects I never got around to." The problem is, we can start doing that NOW. We don't have to wait until the ball drops to begin the race toward our dreams. It's like Dick Clark is holding the toy gun, and we're all at the starting line waiting for his signal. As soon as he says go, we can all begin again. But not until he says so. Are we insane?? Dick Clark didn't even say "13" in his countdown! It's time to find a new starter for the race.

What happens if we fall of the wagon in February? Or worse, January 2nd. What then? Is it all over until next year? We're fooling ourselves if we think we only have one chance at this. Personally, January is a horrible time for me to make plans for my future. I'm cold, depressed from lack of sunshine, and generally walking like a zombie till March. I'm hibernating. So I don't need Carson Daly telling me that it's time for a fresh start.

However, I do feel hints of inspiration as I walk mummified through these frozen streets. Yesterday, on a frigid bus ride home with Adam, I suddenly thought about our garden, and what I want to plant this year. Even though I can't put a darn thing in the ground until April, I can still look through seed catalogs and draw up designs for the garden.

The point is, every day is a new day. So hallelujah for that. Maybe yesterday was awful, but today can be completely new. And we should allow our dreams and goals to evolve with the fluidity of each passing day, instead of it all hinging on one cold day just past winter solstice. New Years always creeps up on me, and I find I've had no time during the holidays to imagine the possibilities of the new year. And so I leave that for February. Sometimes even June. No matter what, I give myself the power to decide ANY day that I want life to be different. And if I fail one day, I just go to bed early and let the world remake itself as I sleep. When I wake up in the morning, the day is new, with no mistakes.

That being said, since this is the time of confessing our resolve for change, here are some ideas I have been chewing on:

1. I need a solid, regular, committed relationship with my yoga mat. It seems at this point that the only way that is going to happen is with an unlimited pass to Tru Yoga. So as soon as I have a paycheck, I am going to be spending at least 4 nights a week glued to my purple mat.

2. I need a paycheck.

3. I have been thinking about some lyrics by Ani Difranco, and they've been digging in, so much so that I can't shake them anymore:

"I had to leave the house of self-importance
to doodle my first tattoo
realize a tattoo is no more permanent
than I am"

I think I hold much too tightly onto the idea of what I am instead of oozing with the beauty of who I am. As silly as it sounds, this obsession is currently manifested in the terror I feel in contemplating chopping off my long hair. I have been thinking about it for months now, and still haven't done it, even though I actually found a photo of exactly what I want my hair to look like. The problem is, cutting my hair short feels like such a permanent act. It takes years to grow it long. But I have to remember that it's not a tattoo, it's not a wedding vow, and it's not an infant. It's my hair, and I have the earthly right of doing whatever the hell with it that I please. Yes, it is pretty when it's long, but I also only shower every three days because I hate waiting for my hair to dry. And, as long as it is, all I ever do is wrap it up in a little bun at the nape of my neck. But it's long and pretty, and sometimes I feel like it is a huge part of who I am. If it's gone, who am I?

All that being said, I have a hair appointment today at 3:00. I wrote this because I'm afraid I'll go in and say, just trim it, please. And I think that's cowardly.

More than a few experiences over the past few months have made me realize that this life is really all we have, and the more we sink inside ourselves, the less we will ever know about the possibilities of this world. Having the courage to do such a little thing as cut my hair is part of a huge awakening. If I can't get myself to part with these curly locks, I will never be able to do the wild things I imagine for this life.

When I was little, I used to lie in bed, paralyzed, trying to get myself to get up to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. I was afraid of the dark, and monsters under my bed, and I would wait for more than 20 minutes, telling myself "Now!....Now!....NOW!" And I wouldn't lift a finger. This went on for months. Maybe years. Until the day I realized that if I had to tell myself to jump, I would never do it. So now I jump before anyone can say "Now!" And it works. That's how I get myself to jump off 20ft. cliffs into freezing cold water. That's how I buy plane tickets (and gear from REI...so bad). But seriously, I deliberate too damn long. I need to trust myself, and know that, as long as there are no rocks at the bottom, I'll survive any jump from any cliff I set my mind to.

So today, my resolution is to chop off my hair. If it's long enough, it will get donated to Locks of Love. The point is, I'm the one saying "Now!" Life is too short to waste on self-importance and fear. So here's to today, and all the possibilities that the rising sun brings.

white bean & kale soup with parsnips

I have had a bunch of kale in the refrigerator and a hankering for some white bean soup lately, but every recipe I looked up seemed boring. Some featured a tomato base, which I didn't want. And so I did what I usually do: I gave up on the recipe and let my tastebuds guide me. The parsnips and the tahini add a nutty, warm flavor to the dish. And, as you'll notice, this is a true-to-the-season winter soup. Add a splash of red wine vinegar or lemon juice at the end to give it a crisp finish:

INGREDIENTS
1 C dry white beans, soaked overnight (or 2 cans fresh)
2 bay leaves
2 Tbs. olive oil
1 large parsnip, cut in quartered rounds
3 medium potatoes, cubed
2 tsp dried sage
3 cloves garlic, minced
1-2 C chopped kale, stems removed
2 Tbs tahini
1/4 C soy creamer or soymilk

In a medium soup pot, cover beans with water and add the bay leaves. Simmer for 1 hour. If using dried beans, drain the water once and replace it with fresh water about half-way through, to reduce gas effect. If using canned beans, cook for only 30 minutes.

With about 25 minutes left for the beans, pan fry the potatoes and parsnips in olive oil and sage. Set on medium heat and cover, stirring occasionally. After 10 minutes, add the garlic. Once the garlic is soft, pour a splash of water in the pan and add the kale, covering once again. Steam for 10 minutes more. Once kale is tender, stir everything into the pot with the beans. Add the soy creamer and tahini and stir until creamy and smooth. Add more water, if desired.


We served this with some homemade wheat bread and some dipping oil with herbs sent to us from my brother and his partner. It was delicious, and I hope you enjoy it! Buen provecho!

Post script: After I made this, Jen sent me a recipe for Polenta with White Beans, Braised Kale and Roasted Pears. YUM!

possibility.

new topic, lots of time to get going on it.

i like to start my assignments by looking up the definition and etymology. not that i don't know what the word means, but sometimes we get lost in the various attachments we have to a word. it's good to start at the beginning.

possibility obviously comes from "possible" meaning able, but not certain to happen. Wiktionary says to also look at "power." so that in itself says a lot. power is not the same as action. ability is key.

(interjection: i'm listening to NPR's year review of music, and i just heard a great song by K'naan, who is a canadian rapper. normally, i would not like rap, but i liked his song, "take a minute", a lot. kind of a lesson in learning to welcome new possibilities and not to shut the door on opportunities.)

so part of the assignment this month is to look at where we squash our imagination and allow our expectations to be mundane. if the doorbell rings, we think postal worker, not long-lost friend. we set ourselves up for the ordinary, and we get comfortable with it.

the next part is, of course, to challenge yourself to do something to which you've said "i can't." it's hard for me to think about this, especially now, i think. i feel somewhat paralyzed by my financial situation (i.e. unemployment) and i'm not sure how to approach this. however, i'd like to tiptoe toward this challenge first by recalling the big goals that i have accomplished in the past, and to reflect on how i made those things happen.

i immediately think back to my time in spain as well as in the backcountry. those are the two things of which i am most proud. and i suppose i thought at some point leading up to them that they were impossible. my mom probably remembers one night the summer before i left for spain when i decided it wasn't possible to go. i was worried about money and logistics. and i probably started to worry about what it was going to be like to live away from home for a year. with the backcountry, i was worried that my schedule wouldn't line up, and that i was making a mistake in passing up my opportunity with Rochester AmeriCorps. maybe it wasn't a good idea to go live in the woods for 5 months. how was i to know then?

some people think it would be impossible to live in the woods for 5 months. some people couldn't manage to go to a country where they didn't know the language. some people wouldn't dare get on a plane! some people think it's impossible to bike commute during rochester's winter. or year-round, for that matter. some people think it would be impossible to give up cheese, to be vegan. (this is my pep-talk. i do impossible things!)

some things i think are "impossible":
1. having a regular yoga practice at home.
2. fasting. (this may seem strange, but i have weird fears of going without food...)
3. traveling around the world, for more than one month.
4. working in the backcountry again.
5. playing the guitar well
6. knowing more than 3 languages
7. being a professor, or getting a ph.d.
8. being a massage therapist or yoga teacher
9. living for more than a year in another country.
10. avoiding the use of gerunds.

these are some pretty big "impossibles" to make possible, especially by january 19th. but i think i can manage the first two by then. the most important lesson to take away from this month's theme is that impossible things take time to realize, and that small steps taken every day will lead you there. i once walked 70 miles to get half my sins forgiven. i hiked 20 miles in a day with blisters on my heels. the next day, i climbed a 10,700 ft peak. i jumped off cliffs into freezing cold water. i've gotten on planes & trains alone, and i've biked through the snow. all of these things took various types of steps. long, confident strides, small tiptoes, giant leaps, and near-misses. poco a poco...

the most important thing i've learned from this recap is that all of these goals were accomplished because i became obsessed with accomplishing them. i KNEW that these were things i had to do, and i did them. i knew i would never regret them, and always remember them. or at least i'd have some good stories to tell...

here's to the impossible, and to making it all possible.

cheers.

job search: part 6?

a quick update: i haven't heard back from either of the jobs that i'm semi-hopeful about.

but.


i just applied for aNOTHER job that i could potentially be hired for. a woman that i know through church is the assistant director of reslife at St. John Fisher College in a suburb of the ROC, and she wants to hire me as a Residence Director. yikes! It would be a lot of fun, but a LOT of work. and i'd have to live there. meh. at least i'd have a job! we'll see where this job search eventually takes me!

cute xtracycle video

not big enough b/w fixed from Kate Oshea on Vimeo.

a continuacion....

So in my last entry concerning my job search, I explained the many hoops I've had to jump through to get this job with the Villa. Where we last left the saga, I was waiting for the hiring freeze to melt.

Meanwhile...

...a woman who runs a research project at the University of Rochester, who has my resume thanks to my friend Brianne, has "emailed" me because she wants to interview me. Two weeks ago. I know she never sent it, or sent it to the wrong address, because I do not have any emails from her. Now, if I do the math correctly, at the time she "emailed" me, I had just been told by the Villa that for them to hire me, I would need to wait...indefinitely. Therefore, had I received said email, I could have returned the call and maybe had a job by now.

Who knows.

I applied online to the research position, which could lead to me traveling several times to the Dominican Republic to conduct interviews about smoking cessation. Surprisingly, I'm very well qualified for the position, which is probably why the woman had wanted to interview me before she posted the position. But now it's posted and I am very very nervous about getting it. Because, I have always wanted this job over the other one, I just didn't think I had a chance at it. So here's my chance.

And it makes me wonder if all of these hoops were put here for a reason. I believe in those sorts of signs...

'tis the season.

Winter is hard on me.

Yesterday was gray and cold and rainy, and I didn't have the energy to leave the house. Even with the prospect of seeing my amazing teenage ladies at Teen City and helping them with a zine, and the promise that I would be there to pay for a planner that one of them picked up for me, I just couldn't make myself leave. At the thought of that bike ride in the dark (at 4:30!) I nearly cried. So I stayed home, let Adam cook dinner on his own, and read in a little bundle in bed. It's safe to say I have a combination of S.A.D. and P.M.S. that does not mix. After a nice warm dinner of lasagna with Adam, I finally worked up the energy to go for a quick walk with him to the Swamee Mart to look for cherry pie filling. We came back with only beer. Regardless of our findings, it felt good just to be outside for a bit.

It's hard to not have a job. Even in an employment position, I still need help figuring out what to do and how to spend my time. Now, when there's nothing to do, I sometimes feel paralyzed. I putz around the house, cleaning things, doing load after load of laundry, and cook a lot of food. It depresses me beyond belief to watch my savings account drain away as I make three loan payments. All the while, I'm just waiting for the Villa to call me. It's somewhat excruciating.

But each day is a little different. Today I woke up early(er) and managed to do the dishes that I had avoided yesterday. I read some more, because Barbara Kingsolver is good to my soul, and then I made sure I washed my face and brushed my teeth (something I don't always manage to do these days...). I rarely shower every other day, but I'm less concerned about that. When I do it feels good. That's about all I care about.

Like I said, today has been different. After breakfast, Adam and I went to the library and the public market. I bought 3 acorn squash, a stalk of Brussels sprouts, two bunches of celery, broccoli and apples. Still nothing to make a pie, but I think I'll make it to the store before long for those cherries I've been craving.

The point of all this is that I haven't been well. Despite doing things to take care of myself, like going to yoga, continuing to ride my bike, eating good food and getting lots of sleep, I still am unsatisfied with the state of my life. And that in itself is puzzling, because I couldn't be happier to be with Adam. It just goes to show you that having a great relationship does not solve all your problems. I've always known that, but I hope my being melancholy doesn't make Adam think I'm unhappy with us. I just can't seem to get everything else in my life to feel as good. That's all.

And yet, today, as the sun shines brighter than it did the day before, and as I've managed to give it a good start, I feel as though there is still a bit of clarity to my life that I sometimes forget. I've got my Christmas music playing, I've managed to sit down and put my thoughts into words, and I've got some inspiration sitting next to me: a book from the library.

I checked out a book called The Urban Homestead, and though it has a lot of information I already know, it defines a general purpose of my life that is uplifting. I truly believe in urban living. I think it's easier to be kind to the earth when we tread as little of it as possible. I believe that we all need to reinhabit the cities and quit building massive beige houses surrounded by nothing--a natural world those suburbanites rarely explore. In the city there are beautiful big old houses that are waiting for multiple families to enjoy, including the one in which Adam and I live. There are spacious backyards--spacious enough for small gardens and bug hunting. There are buses and more and more bike lanes and walkable neighborhoods and natural food stores with more options for cruelty-free foods than your average suburban supermarket. And there are gobs of fresh produce on display in a dozen farmers markets around the city. There are cafes that you can walk to, parks that are just around the corner, and trails that remain hidden in the center of urban jungles. I know I'm mostly talking about Rochester, but I know for certain these resources exist throughout urban America.

It is exhilarating to think about the ways that Adam and I are urban activists. We are full-time cyclists, vegan animal rights activists, and advocates of natural and organic living. We have vermicompost and a rabbit who works as a composter as well. We have a garden that will be busy next summer, and we are growing some herbs and other plants indoors. Unlike Betsy and Charlie, we haven't gotten into preserving, canning and fermenting, but I'm hoping that will also come with the garden next year. I spend a lot of time making natural cleaning supplies that are cheap and smell like tea tree oil, not fake lemon-lime mixed with bleach. We buy our food at the farmers market or the food cooperative (though we're known to buy discounted soy milk and pickles at Tops). We go to a progressive, liberal church that values social justice above just about everything else.

All this is meant to explain that I'm very happy with the effort I put into every day of my life, and to reiterate (to myself) that I do a whole hell of a lot to make this world a little better each day. I sometimes forget that these things require mental and physical effort (especially biking in the cold) that can, at times, leave me feeling exhausted and disenchanted.

But I'm proud of the way I live out my values, and reading about the things I can do to make a difference revive my spirit in a way lasagna and snuggling under the blankets can't. I'm happy that Adam and I have time now to put our house and lives in order. I'm glad that I have a little time to ease into this next phase of my life, to relax and sift through old things and make a place for myself in my new home. I shouldn't be so afraid of having a blank calendar, and I should make the most of this down time.

Sometimes I think the only point of the winter holidays is to have something to cheer us during these long nights and cold days. It's amazing what some Christmas lights and music will do to my tired little spirit. The excitement of the first snow and the comfort of a warm fire ease us through these harsh months. Adding warmth and spice to out food and drinks mean adding pizazz to an otherwise bland winter spread. We know how to make it through.

My mom keeps talking about how we need to make our own traditions, and that we need to be responsible for things happening, since she can no longer be behind the magic. It's true that without my family's initiative, I'm unmotivated to celebrate and prepare for holidays the way I'm used to them. When Zoe told me she and Jack were getting a tree, I was shocked, because it occurred to me I hadn't given a thought to how Adam and I would decorate the house. In fact, I'm quick to write off the holidays as frivolous and not worth the effort. Sometimes it's too difficult to get past my divergent religious beliefs. But there's nothing like some holiday lights shining out onto the street to warm the soul. Adam and I noticed that when we returned home to see the one strand of lights he managed to get to work shining out through the dark night through our kitchen window. This really is a magical time of year, and I want to be a part of it.

compas

As I finished that last entry, I was thinking about the origin of the word compassion, and I was reminded of a flamenco term: compas. I didn't remember what it was, so I looked it up.

That description is perhaps a bit too technical, so let me break it down. Compas is the strict beat of flamenco music. Those who know flamenco know that it generally uses an unusual time signature, that of 6/8, somewhat like a waltz but doubled. Sometimes they do 12/8, which is like a 6/8 plus 3/4. It is beautiful and eerie and completely mesmerizing. I remember sitting in a crowded bar in Sevilla, drunk on sangria and trying to clap along to the complicated beat of compas. That beat is born into native Spaniards, but as I was a transplanted Americana, I couldn't quite figure it out. Maybe that's not a very flattering description, but believe me, it was an ethereal experience.

The point of all this is that compas is the beating heart of flamenco. Just as the heart of our existence is our compassion for others. And yet again, I am enamored with the poetry of Latin.

compassion: reprise.

December's theme at my church is, of course, Compassion. Of course, because what better time to be compassionate than the holidays, when we are compelled to reunite with family and to help those less fortunate during this time of celebration. I already wrote an entry with this theme, but I will be taking this in a different direction--or at least I think I will. It's difficult to keep from weaving the issue of mercy for animals and the generic idea of compassion, since animal rights activists and theorists view veganism and fighting for animal welfare as the most "compassionate" way of life. However, as the guiding questions explain, our church is more interested in personal compassion. The one homework assignment is as follows:

Find a way to be more compassionate with yourself. Do at least one compassionate act for yourself.

I suppose in order to allow us to dig deeper into this assignment, they include four "core" questions. These are:
1. What idol is undermining your compassion?
2. How are you called to be a person of compassion right now?
3. What were you taught about compassion while growing up?
4. What was it like to allow the whole world into your lungs?

There is more explanation for each of these included. For example, "idolatry" can mean racism, nationalism, Republicanism, consumerism, etc. And sometimes we spend a lot of time being angry about these things instead of holding people with these values with compassion. So it's more like, what is getting in the way of you treating all beings with compassion? The last question is in reference to a Loving Kindness Meditation included in our packet. This meditation is a Buddhist practice of holding individuals and the whole world in our hearts as we work to spend more of our lives regarding the world with loving-kindness. I haven't done it yet, but hopefully I'll have some time to reflect before my next Soul Matters group.

Initially, I know that this work is going to be a little hard for me, since I generally am least compassionate with myself. I tend not to forgive myself for missteps, and I allow myself to feel guilty of, unworthy of and belittled by my life's choices. It's sometimes hard to be kind to myself when all I want is to do the best I can. And when I feel like I'm not doing all I can do, I feel like a failure. Of course I've recognized this over the years, usually because my mom pointed it out, and I've worked toward forgiving myself and giving myself time and space to accomplish what I want. But in the back of my head I feel like forgiving myself is just a cop-out for not finishing what I set out to do. No matter what I do, even if I tell myself that the work I do is important, it is not enough.

There is a lot of material to read in the packet, so before I go further in my reflection, I'll read through that.

In an important related note, I've started going to yoga regularly and that is a great place for me to find out where I am punishing or pushing myself too hard. Whether mentally or physically, yoga is a space where you can't hide from yourself for long. It's better just to open your heart, mind and body and let things flow through you, rather than fight the demons. Yes, I think yoga and compassion go nicely together...

to be continued...

I got my social security card on Tuesday, at least two days before I expected it. Hooray! I went in Wednesday to get my driver's license. Except for the malfunctioning camera, I was able to get it no problem. I called the Villa's HR department to give them my new license number, triumphant.

HR called me back. They REALLY want me to work for them. Unfortunately, they've just entered a hiring freeze in the agency and can't hire anyone for at least a week or two. BLAH.

So I have to keep waiting, and keep looking, and hope that I don't have to go back to Starbucks just to make it through the holidays.

To be continued...