this is part 2 to a list i wrote nearly 4 years ago.
i sat in a coffee shop in tacoma in the early spring with my sister, my very best friend in the whole world, and we discussed the impending doom of college graduation. we had decisions to make, grown up ones. we were exactly the same age, but we had very different choices in front of us. while betsy sat wondering how to not make the easy choice to follow her partner wherever he went, i breathed the damp pacific air, mixed with the strong bitterness of my espresso and felt the twinge of regret that i had not been brave enough to move across the country at 18. i was jealous of my sister's laidback and yet fierce disposition, a product of spending 4 years in hippie heaven. the land where people wear chacos year round and no one uses an umbrella. we made a list of things that we wanted to do. bold things. inspired things. it was our whoa! dream big! list, and it truly led us to take bold and inspired steps towards dreams that spoke to our souls.
betsy moved to the catskills, lived alone in a cabin, and learned from a farmer named amy how to make medicine out of plants. she picked blueberries, baked pie, drank moonshine brewed by the neighbors, and fell asleep to the mooing of shaggy cows outside her door.
i spent an entire summer in the sierra mountains. i hiked to 9,000 ft, carried buckets of water from a raging river, and washed my clothes naked in the same river. i woke at sunrise, put in an honest day's work, flexed my muscles, lost weight that had been holding me back for far too long, and fell in love with the world. i saw the sun set every night from my tent, watched the moon rise over mountain lakes, and literally moved mountains to create monuments in the wilderness. i lost someone i didn't even know meant the world to me, i found the person i was always supposed to be, and it was all because of that day in the coffee shop when my sister and i decided that we were the authors of our own destiny.
it helps me to remind myself that adventures start the same way. every time. unsettled, restless frustration. searching, feeling lost, knowing that the world is out there having fun without you.
so hear is my whoa! dream big! list, part 2.
i want to...
1. become a dedicated practitioner of yoga.
2. have a job that has a direct, positive effect on people's lives. e.g. massage therapist, yoga teacher, youth leader in some sort of natural setting, city planner in charge of turning highways into bike lanes
3. become an expert gardener, growing 80%+ of the food i consume
4. live someplace where i can subsist off of the food i can grow (preferably including avocados)
5. live my life car-free
6. spend a significant part of my time in creative processes
7. travel to ancient places
8. eat a completely whole foods diet, as raw as possible
9. get a PhD in something that blows my socks off. political science mixed with feminist theory and community development, public health and philosophy and art.
10. see ani difranco in concert again. preferably with my sissy.
11. hike back through the stanislaus to see my rock wall and revisit the places that still hold pieces of my heart
12. publish a memoir
13. stay in touch with my spiritual inspiration.
14. travel around south america, without an agenda
15. read as many great books as possible
16. stay in touch with the people that brighten my life
17. focus on being positive and enjoying the small moments in life
18. be part of a movement that puts people on bikes, on foot or on buses and out of their cars
19. work in the white house
20. pay off my loans
the important thing about whoa! dream big! lists is to have things you can do right away. i'm currently working on paying off my loans, but i could do a better job of it. i also think i need to work on reading the great books and staying in touch with those who lift my spirits.
micro actions:
1. stop browsing the internet for things to buy. it really doesn't make me happier
2. spend that time reading a new book on kindle
3. start saving that money for a trip to oregon to visit betsy. i need her help with the rest of this list.
i have to remind myself that you can't meet your goals if you don't have any. so here's to having goals.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
grey
i feel restless.
time moves by quickly these days, weeks melting into months and years. what started as a new adventure in a new town is now my normal life. i see the same things every day, take the same route to work or to the grocery store or out to a restaurant i've been to at least 10 times or more. i stop at a corporate coffee shop for my caffeine fix and spend my days at a computer trying to get work done so that i can browse the web for shoes or rain coats or groupons and that is fun for me.
i look at my iphone hundreds of times a day, checking facebook and tumblr and reader trying to catch what's new in people's lives...people i know and people i don't. i find the fastest route to the pet store on google maps. i listen to music that makes me bored, but reminds me of the days when i was inspired by those songs. i ignore the news when i can since i feel helpless and because it reminds me of when i used to feel empowered.
i read something on a facebook that has been on my mind so much it surprises me.
colleen patrick goudreau wrote:
"most people
want to
make a difference,
but sometimes they forget
that in order to make a difference,
you have to
do something different."
it's easy to be complacent, and make excuses for all of the above, when you're doing a whole lot already to make a difference. i don't eat animals, and i don't drive cars. i also try to recycle and use my own grocery bags. i buy organic and local when possible. i speak up against sexism, homophobia and racism.
some people think these things are radical. maybe they are, but i have never felt like it was enough. it's literally the least i can do. it's the baseline. the minimum. the starting point. from here, i need to go somewhere. somewhere radical.
i'm old enough and wise enough to know that when i get restless, i need to keep pushing through. like pigeon pose in yoga, i need to let the yucky stuff out to start to feel liberated. i have to muse and simmer and have a few (okay, several) meltdowns to start to see the next step in this life.
some good friends have seen me through this kind of restlessness before: yoga, writing, music, and talking with my kindred spirits. i remember sitting in a coffee shop in tacoma with betsy, both of us feeling frustrated and restless about the end of college, not knowing where to go next. feeling uninspired and lost. we made a list. we called it "whoa! dream big", after the brilliant line in "juno". weeks later, i decided to fly across the country to live in the woods for five months. betsy found a farm in the catskills to work as an apprentice in medicinal herbs and picking blueberries.
yoga, writing, music, and spirits are good friends during these darker times. although these things become harder and harder to do outside of the glorious setting of academia, i will seek them out. i refuse to let go of that spark that has always moved me towards speaking my truth and taking my own path through life. it is the same spark that led me to a year in europe, to a summer in the mountains of california, and to a new life in this lovely little town i now call home.
the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey
i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my ways,
i smoke and i drink, and every time i blink i have a tiny dream
as bad as i am, i'm proud of the fact i am worse than i seem
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still want more
- ani difranco
on my list, for now, is taking advantage of the groupon i bought for yoga classes, getting a massage when i come back from the dominican republic, and getting excited about christmas lights, taking the solstice off from work (finally) and welcoming the light back into my life.
and listening to lots of ani difranco. that girl's got some sense, for real.
time moves by quickly these days, weeks melting into months and years. what started as a new adventure in a new town is now my normal life. i see the same things every day, take the same route to work or to the grocery store or out to a restaurant i've been to at least 10 times or more. i stop at a corporate coffee shop for my caffeine fix and spend my days at a computer trying to get work done so that i can browse the web for shoes or rain coats or groupons and that is fun for me.
i look at my iphone hundreds of times a day, checking facebook and tumblr and reader trying to catch what's new in people's lives...people i know and people i don't. i find the fastest route to the pet store on google maps. i listen to music that makes me bored, but reminds me of the days when i was inspired by those songs. i ignore the news when i can since i feel helpless and because it reminds me of when i used to feel empowered.
i read something on a facebook that has been on my mind so much it surprises me.
colleen patrick goudreau wrote:
"most people
want to
make a difference,
but sometimes they forget
that in order to make a difference,
you have to
do something different."
it's easy to be complacent, and make excuses for all of the above, when you're doing a whole lot already to make a difference. i don't eat animals, and i don't drive cars. i also try to recycle and use my own grocery bags. i buy organic and local when possible. i speak up against sexism, homophobia and racism.
some people think these things are radical. maybe they are, but i have never felt like it was enough. it's literally the least i can do. it's the baseline. the minimum. the starting point. from here, i need to go somewhere. somewhere radical.
i'm old enough and wise enough to know that when i get restless, i need to keep pushing through. like pigeon pose in yoga, i need to let the yucky stuff out to start to feel liberated. i have to muse and simmer and have a few (okay, several) meltdowns to start to see the next step in this life.
some good friends have seen me through this kind of restlessness before: yoga, writing, music, and talking with my kindred spirits. i remember sitting in a coffee shop in tacoma with betsy, both of us feeling frustrated and restless about the end of college, not knowing where to go next. feeling uninspired and lost. we made a list. we called it "whoa! dream big", after the brilliant line in "juno". weeks later, i decided to fly across the country to live in the woods for five months. betsy found a farm in the catskills to work as an apprentice in medicinal herbs and picking blueberries.
yoga, writing, music, and spirits are good friends during these darker times. although these things become harder and harder to do outside of the glorious setting of academia, i will seek them out. i refuse to let go of that spark that has always moved me towards speaking my truth and taking my own path through life. it is the same spark that led me to a year in europe, to a summer in the mountains of california, and to a new life in this lovely little town i now call home.
the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey
i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my ways,
i smoke and i drink, and every time i blink i have a tiny dream
as bad as i am, i'm proud of the fact i am worse than i seem
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still want more
- ani difranco
on my list, for now, is taking advantage of the groupon i bought for yoga classes, getting a massage when i come back from the dominican republic, and getting excited about christmas lights, taking the solstice off from work (finally) and welcoming the light back into my life.
and listening to lots of ani difranco. that girl's got some sense, for real.
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